Snopped and wish I didnt!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Snopped and wish I didnt!
11
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 10:11am

I don’t know if I am looking for advice or what but I found out something last night that is really hurting me. My BF and me have been together for almost 2 years and have been living together for 1. In the beginning of our relationship I had my doubts about his feelings for me because has dated/gf with 4 girls including me, and has “Loved” every one of them. That just sounds odd to me and told him so. He assured me that it was just what eh thought was love and what he feels for me is different than what he felt for them. Also I am his first long term GF. The rest were all 2-6 month relationships. BTW we are 23 and 24.
Another thing that made me doubt if he really even knows what love is or feels like has been the lack of expressing his love in words and actions. He says he is not mushy. We can have a talk and I can say a bunch of mushy stuff to him about how much I love him etc and he just say aww thanks. I have come to accept this, as he is just not a mushy guy. He does bring me flowers etc on occasion if he is working late or something. But even the cards I receive from him are usually signed the card said it perfectly love J. I have had many talks with him about this and asked him to try to express his feeling more.

So on to my findings. I was on the computer checking what was going to be on TV last night and my BF’s e-mail which is a yahoo account was signed into and all I had to do was click mail to see the mail. The temptation was too great and I snooped. I really wish I never did and I could still be in my ignorant bliss. I found e-mails from his ex gf. The most recent one from almost 2 years ago. Actually, 4 days after we met and were seeing each other. He said that he was over her and they would hangout every once and a while when she was home from school but he had no real feeling for her anymore. That was a lie cuz the e-mail talked about how they hadn’t been getting along in a while and how he did want to talk and try to work it out cuz he loved her so much and couldn’t imagine not being able to talk to her anymore and would always have a big place in his heart for her blah blah. Ok so he lied but that’s another issue.

My problem is that there was e-mail after e-mail of him relying to her e-mails or writing her an e-mail expressing how much he loves her etc. Saying all the things he cant say to me cuz its mushy and he’s not a mushy guy. I am heart broken. They were only together for 4 months, 6 including the 2 months they were “hanging out”. I do not see why he can say this stuff to her and I don’t even get a quarter of that. I am feeling like his feelings for me are either not there or not as strong. I told him what I saw and he got mad and told me that was what I get for going into his stuff. I asked him why he could be mushy with her and not me. “I don’t know” was the response I got. I got in my car and went for an hr drive trying to think things over. I came home to him playing Xbox and not saying a word to me. I walked upstairs took a shower and watched TV with my cats in our room. When he came upstairs I asked him again and I got “I don’t know” and “I’m not the same person I was then” WTF!! I started crying and just got out of bed and went for a half hr drive. He called me for about 20 minutes straight with me not answering the phone. Then I came home and didn’t even go upstairs juts slept on the couch.

This morning he woke me up to say he was leaving and asked me where I was last night. I ignored him and he said again, “That’s what you get for snooping, was it worth it” and I just said yes cuz now I know the truth. He left.
I cannot believe this. The girl was 18 and in high school, he was 22 and on his 4th year of college. That just seems odd to me anyway but the girl is gross. Like really beastly! When I met all his friends they were shocked at the difference between us. I am not a model but I am not anywhere near ugly (pic in profile if you don’t believe me). Anyway I just don’t see why he would feel so much strongly for her. We live together and have been together so long and he still doesn’t feel the same as he did with her after 4 months. I am just so heart broken and don’t know what to do.
Any thoughts or comments would help! Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 10:56am

Hello,

Well, I don't mean to be rude but I think you are making something out of nothing. Other than him not being "mushy" is everything else going well in your relationship? I date a man who is not mushy in any way. I NEVER get flowers, cards, or anything like that. I got a card on my last birthday but he had an employee buy it and it was very impersonal. That is who he is. It doesn't matter how he was with his previous girlfriend to me, it only matters that I can accept him as he is in my relationship. People change and you have to accept him for who he is, mushy or not, and not spend your time and energy trying to change him. You said you get flowers once in a while, and cards. I think that sounds great, and would be happy just to get that much, but I'm also happy even if I don't. Maybe he was mushy with her cause he was younger and perhaps that was just a young crush. Just maybe he loves you enough to feel comfortable being himself, and knowing you love and accept him for who he is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 11:23am

let's put this in pespective. One, all these emails were almost 2 years old. They are so old news that it isn't even funny. You are getting upset about things in the past. WAY in the past. He hasn't tried to maintain contact with her throughout your relationship. These things were all said and done in the heat of trying to win her back. And during that time people come out of their comfort zones and say/do things they wouldn't normally do. I think you are overreacting to get so upset and hurt by this.

IF this is a big issue for you, him not expressing love in the way you need, then you need to address that. The book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is GREAT in that way. It can also help you see what he DOES that shows you he loves you. And if you decide that this is something you HAVE to have (words telling you what you mean to him) and he doesn't change, then you have to walk away. But to do so over 2 year old emails is just not right, IMO.

Take a deep breath, suck it up, and call and apologize for being so out of line. And for invading his privacy for no other reason than you could.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 11:27am
That sounds great, and if it were true I would be thrilled. But I have my doubt on this. You may change, but has been like this with me the whole relationship, and as I said he was mushy with her 4 days after we were together so he either changed really really fast or that’s not the case. Also he wasn’t that young he was only 2 years younger than he is now and again its not like he started off that way, being mushy, those 2 years that he would have grown and changed he was with me and was exactly the same way towards me, not mushy. I did except him for who he is, I just accepted he wasn’t mushy, couldn't express his fillings etc. But as I just found out that is not the case.... He just can't or wont with me. That is where I am hurt. I don’t get why her or them and not me. In the beginning it was a real problem for me that he wasn’t like that. He said he would try but that just wasn’t who he is and he couldn’t make himself be like that. LIE he either was like that with her or made himself by like that with her to make her happy. Either way I am def. getting the wrong end of the deal for someone he "loves" so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 11:33am
You are right. If it was just while they were trying to work things out I would me more ok with this. They were through out the relationship. I do not have an issue with him having the e-mail or trying to maintain contact. I just have a problem with the sacrifices (being mushy when he isn't) that he made for other people and I’m not worth it to him to do the same. And t he fact that he does not feel the same way with me as with someone else. In which case we would both the better off with someone else. As in the person who made him feel like he could express his feeling the way he was. That person is not me and that just sucks for me so it hurts. But thanks for your opinions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 11:54am
I still feel that you are causing drama where there really doesn't need to be any. You said you accepted him for who he was , not mushy, and didn't show his feelings but that is what you're all upset about. My fiance was all mushy in his e-mails to me, especially when we first met. Turns out he's not the mushy type at all. He can be an old grump actually, and is often, but I love him anyway. I think you are presuming that just because his e-mails were mushy that he acted that way with her all the time. I doubt that was the case. Maybe he was a lot mushier with her in your mind than he truly was in real life. Sometimes things seem bigger than they are. If everything else in your relationship is good, then why worry. He's with you, he loves you. If you just MUST have the mushy type then maybe he's not the one for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 3:33pm
Maybe you are right but isn’t that why people post. To get other peoples views and opinions on a subject when they can only see it one-way themselves. So thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 3:38pm
Yes, you are right, and it's great that you are here looking for advice about your relationship. I hope everything works out well for you both.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 12:11am

Some things you didn't ask for:

  • Why did you agree to live with a guy when you had your doubts that he really loved you?
  • Why would you move in with a guy who doesn't verbally express his feelings if that's what you want and need? I understand you say you've accepted this, but since you've had many talks about this and have asked him to try and be more expressive it's pretty clear that you haven't been able to accept it; if you had there would be no need for discussion or for him to change, you'd be perfectly happy and satisfied with him as he is. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with wanting a guy who's more expressive, you absolutely should be with the guy who is what you want and need, he's just not that guy.


    Now for what you did ask for:


    Personally, I think the fact that he lied to you in the beginning of your relationship is a big thing. Maybe he's not lied since then, or maybe he has and you just don't know it. The fact is, he is fully capable of being dishonest and doing so in order to get what he wants. It's not that he was just secretly involved with someone else, he assured you that he was not involved and was completely over his last girlfriend. That's pretty significant, it speaks to his character.


    As far as him talking romantically to her, realize that he was trying to get back together with her, it's very likely that on a daily basis he treated her like he treats you, but when he wanted her back, he poured on the charm. It may be that if you want him to talk like that to you, you'll have to break up with him to hear it.







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Fri, 05-19-2006 - 4:09am

    You know, I thought your name looked familiar, but I did a search and didn't come up with anything. I looked at your profile a minute ago and saw your profession. When I saw that I knew you'd been here before, I remember your post, so I dug around and found it:


    BF away for work alll the time! (long)


    With your previous post in mind, I'd say his lies about his ex-girlfriend are indeed a very big thing as he also lied to you about what his job would entail, specifically how much time he'd be away. Both of these instances of lies were very calculated and deliberate, both were designed to get what he wanted by keeping you in the dark, unable to make a decision for yourself based on the truth. Case in point, you said, "I would have never moved in with him if I knew this was the situation." He lied and tricked you in both instances. If there was any doubt in my mind that his girlfriend lie was a fluke or no big deal, it's long gone.


    What I don't understand is your reaction to this, you pretty clearly indicated in your previous post that you weren't satisfied with your situation at all and wanted to have more life, more experience, not sitting home being kept company by cats. You also indicated that this was his profession and the situation wasn't going to change, except for the worse as he had acquired a driving certificate which would surely mean being gone more. Considering you're dissatisfied and wanting more out of life, knowing he knowingly and deliberately lied to you to get you to move in, now knowing he also lied about his relationship status at the beginning of your relationship, I'd think the writing would be pretty clearly on the wall. It may be easier to think about doing than to have staring you in the face, but it is the reality and it's not going to go away. You can stay, alone, with a guy who lies to you or you can move on, have the life you want and should have, and be free to meet men who are honest.








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 01-31-2006
    Fri, 05-19-2006 - 9:38am
    Thanks to everyone....Yes I did post about him being gone all the time. I think maybe that is why I am so needy about him expressing his feelings, cuz he is gone alot. Somedays I wanna stay and think it can work out, and somedays I wanna leave. I guess evene if its clear that I should go to others its easier said than done for me.

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