Snopped and wish I didnt!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Snopped and wish I didnt!
11
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 10:11am

I don’t know if I am looking for advice or what but I found out something last night that is really hurting me. My BF and me have been together for almost 2 years and have been living together for 1. In the beginning of our relationship I had my doubts about his feelings for me because has dated/gf with 4 girls including me, and has “Loved” every one of them. That just sounds odd to me and told him so. He assured me that it was just what eh thought was love and what he feels for me is different than what he felt for them. Also I am his first long term GF. The rest were all 2-6 month relationships. BTW we are 23 and 24.
Another thing that made me doubt if he really even knows what love is or feels like has been the lack of expressing his love in words and actions. He says he is not mushy. We can have a talk and I can say a bunch of mushy stuff to him about how much I love him etc and he just say aww thanks. I have come to accept this, as he is just not a mushy guy. He does bring me flowers etc on occasion if he is working late or something. But even the cards I receive from him are usually signed the card said it perfectly love J. I have had many talks with him about this and asked him to try to express his feeling more.

So on to my findings. I was on the computer checking what was going to be on TV last night and my BF’s e-mail which is a yahoo account was signed into and all I had to do was click mail to see the mail. The temptation was too great and I snooped. I really wish I never did and I could still be in my ignorant bliss. I found e-mails from his ex gf. The most recent one from almost 2 years ago. Actually, 4 days after we met and were seeing each other. He said that he was over her and they would hangout every once and a while when she was home from school but he had no real feeling for her anymore. That was a lie cuz the e-mail talked about how they hadn’t been getting along in a while and how he did want to talk and try to work it out cuz he loved her so much and couldn’t imagine not being able to talk to her anymore and would always have a big place in his heart for her blah blah. Ok so he lied but that’s another issue.

My problem is that there was e-mail after e-mail of him relying to her e-mails or writing her an e-mail expressing how much he loves her etc. Saying all the things he cant say to me cuz its mushy and he’s not a mushy guy. I am heart broken. They were only together for 4 months, 6 including the 2 months they were “hanging out”. I do not see why he can say this stuff to her and I don’t even get a quarter of that. I am feeling like his feelings for me are either not there or not as strong. I told him what I saw and he got mad and told me that was what I get for going into his stuff. I asked him why he could be mushy with her and not me. “I don’t know” was the response I got. I got in my car and went for an hr drive trying to think things over. I came home to him playing Xbox and not saying a word to me. I walked upstairs took a shower and watched TV with my cats in our room. When he came upstairs I asked him again and I got “I don’t know” and “I’m not the same person I was then” WTF!! I started crying and just got out of bed and went for a half hr drive. He called me for about 20 minutes straight with me not answering the phone. Then I came home and didn’t even go upstairs juts slept on the couch.

This morning he woke me up to say he was leaving and asked me where I was last night. I ignored him and he said again, “That’s what you get for snooping, was it worth it” and I just said yes cuz now I know the truth. He left.
I cannot believe this. The girl was 18 and in high school, he was 22 and on his 4th year of college. That just seems odd to me anyway but the girl is gross. Like really beastly! When I met all his friends they were shocked at the difference between us. I am not a model but I am not anywhere near ugly (pic in profile if you don’t believe me). Anyway I just don’t see why he would feel so much strongly for her. We live together and have been together so long and he still doesn’t feel the same as he did with her after 4 months. I am just so heart broken and don’t know what to do.
Any thoughts or comments would help! Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 11:30pm

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks Iceyroones, this is your life, you're the one who lives it, you're the one who decides what will be best for you. I'll also say that of course it's easier said than done. Stepping out of what spells normalcy to you is scary stuff, even women in relationships with men who beat them are fearful of leaving; stepping out into the unknown is uncomfortable, always. What you have to do is decide whether you're staying because it's what you really think is best for you (the relationship is right, your needs are being met, you're happy and satisfied, etc.) or whether you're staying because it's more comfortable than thinking of heading off into the unknown. If it's the second reason, you're prolonging your unhappiness and dissatisfaction and giving up any possibility of finding happiness.


You might consider making a list of pros and cons and see how they balance out, that often makes the right move pretty obvious..







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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