So complicated... so unhappy....so unsure. Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-1999
So complicated... so unhappy....so unsure. Help!
18
Sat, 11-20-2010 - 2:18pm

I have been married for 22 years to a very good man but I don't know that I have ever really been truly happy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

After reading your post it really sounds like you and your husband would be better off divorcing and going your separate ways. You give no reasons whatsoever that indicate that you want to stay together, and honestly it sounds like the only reason you've stayed together is the kids. Like you 2 would have divorced a long time ago if not for them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sat, 11-20-2010 - 6:11pm

What does he think about this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-1999
Sun, 11-21-2010 - 9:31am
Thank you for your reply. My husband is very aware how unhappy I am living up here in this climate away from friends and family. He is in consumer products sales, actually he's a Sr VP of Sales, and says that industry is not big in Texas. He has to work in big markets where the home offices are. He does not want to try to switch to a different type of sales because he says he's good at what he does. We moved here in 1996 when our girls were little and back then I did not do well living here. In 2003, by some miracle, a company in Austin called him and wanted to hire him. We moved back but the company changed ownership several times and seemed like it was a sinking ship, so after 4.5 years he again took a job up here. He pretty much decided he would take it whether or not I wanted to go. I really felt like my feelings did not matter. So, we have no communication, no intimacy and also have this big move resentment between us. He likes cold weather and hates hot weather. I have SAD and need sunshine and warmth. He resents that I want to go home. I resent that he brought me back here. When he realized he would not be making bonus for next year he suggested (in an email, as that is the only small way he will communicate) that we sell the house and that I should try to get my teaching cert, but it would be better to do it down there. We would then have residency and our tuition fees would be lower, etc... He said he said this because he was tired of hearing how unhappy I was up here. When I started putting the ball in motion, of course he got mad at me.

The kids are another problem. My 13 year old son has had a hard time making friends here and wants to go back with me. My 16 year old (sophomore) daughter has a nice group of friends and she does not want to go. Should I give her the choice to stay up here with her dad or should I insist she go? If we are really serious about selling the house and establishing residency there, wouldn't she have to move at some point? I just cannot see her coming home and being alone every day from 2:30 until 7, 8 and sometimes later. My husband travels a lot and has a very long commute to work. She adamantly does not want to start over, even though she still knows all of those kids in Texas. What should I do regarding her? The oldest daughter who is a freshman at UT wants us to move back. She loves going to school there but hates being so far away from us.

I don't see how my daughter can shoulder the out of state tuition loans, but if she were able to get in-state, she might be able to work and help pay, but not pay all of it herself. I am worried about retirement, etc... You are right... the tuition is outrageous. I cannot believe that in-state is 11,000 cheaper per semester.

I told my husband last night that if I had my wishes we would not get divorced, we would actually love each other, improve our communication and ALL move back home. He would be happy working and retire there and have grandkids visit us there one day. Sadly, I will never have that and our kids will have to choose whose house they have to go to for Thanksgiving.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-1999
I guess it would be easier to do that if we were screaming at each other or he was beating me, or there was drug or alcohol abuse, but there isn't any of that. He is a good person and so am I. We just don't have much to say to each other. I am worried about my kids and don't want them to have divorced parents I guess. It's also scary for me since I haven't worked in years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007

"I don't see how my daughter can shoulder the out of state tuition loans, but if she were able to get in-state, she might be able to work and help pay, but not pay all of it herself."

Well if she's going to a college that is $22,000 per year then she better be studying a profession that will enable her to make big bucks to pay off her student loans.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-1999

Unfortunately, my daughter chose a state school in Texas and her major is specific and not carried by many state schools at all, mostly private art schools.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Well the books are worth a shot. It won't make things worse I'm sure, so why not try it.

Also this is a good one, a step by step analysis of your relationship.

"Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum

I do think you have options - they just might not be the perfect, immediate outcome that you are hoping for. As my marriage counselor put it to me several years agok, "Divorce is an option, but it sounds like the least suckiest of your options!" Turns out it was the best option for me. It seems you are looking at things very black and white. I know it seems so black and white when you're in it, but take a step back.

So if he lives like a bachelor without any communication - why not just go to TX? He said to just do it if you are so unhappy. Just say mom and dad live in different states because mom likes TX and dad likes IL. No divorce, just separate for a while. See how that goes for a few years. I know your middle kid won't be happy, but if mom isn't happy it affects everyone. She'll adapt.

You'd have to live with family probably since you don't have income, unless your H would pay for two places.

As for sharing the kids, well he can fly down/drive down, they can fly up, Skype, something. Then you can still all do holidays together for the sake of the kids.

Is it possible to have a talk with him to see what are the different ways he can still be with his kids even if they are in TX? Or does he insist they stay with him? Maybe he wants to be a bachelor with no kid duties?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001

Hi Sunny11300 ~

You say you've seen counselors but none have made a difference and that your love tanks are empty.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008

You certainly have some big decisions to make.

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-1999

I went to the library and picked up the book, "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay."

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