so confused - i can't lose him!!
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| Thu, 08-17-2006 - 1:17pm |
Ok. Wow, I don't even know if I can write this. It hurts so much to even think about it, but I can't stop thinking about it. It honestly doesn't feel real. It feels like some bad dream I'll wake up from and things will be ok again. But it isn't. This is real, and I need help.
So there's a very long story for my boyfriend and I ..but I won't get into it. The thing is..we're best friends. And we've been through a lot together, and we've always been there for each other. Well I've always loved him as more than just a best friend. In Feb of this year, we finally got together but didn't worry about stupid titles or what other people thought because we were so tired of those stupid relationships. So we were completely honest with each other..and happy. So incredibly happy. It just felt right. We ended up having sex, I'm now on the pill..and the sex has always been good..so there's no problem there.
Eventually he warmed up to the idea, or got used to, me being not only his best friend but his girlfriend and would kiss me in public and all of our friends (same friends) know we're together.
We've been together for six and a half months (known each other and been best friends for almost two years) and things have been good. Almost.
Recently, as in the last two months or so..we've been fighting. It'll start with me not liking some tiny thing he does or doesn't do, and me wanting us to be more 'coupley'. So I bring it up, because we talk about everything and attempt to discuss it. Somehow it gets blown up way out of proportion and we fight. And then it happens again a week or so later. Pretty soon we were fighting about fighting. I tried to stop but it just felt like he didn't care and he kept pushing away for more space. While I kept trying to push closer to make things better again.
Now, last night I brought up something about how we're further apart and he doesn't seem to 'like' me. At first he reassured me that he does love me, which I've never doubted. And that he does care about me, which I know.
Somehow things got way worse and he finally admitted that he wants to break up..after saying fifteen minutes earlier that although he doesn't know what we can do to fix our problems, he doesn't want to break up. Apparently he's felt this way for a while but was afraid to tell me because in the past we were both suicidal and he feels like he's with me to keep me alive. This isn't true, because ..because of him I'm now wanting to live. I can live without him, but being with him makes me so much happier. And he's always said how I've actually made him happy.
All of this talk of us breaking up made me realize just how stupid I've been. I've been nagging him on tiny things and causing us to fight and make things worse when I was only trying to make them better. Now I realize how stupid that is and how those things don't matter. What matters is us staying together, being there for eachother, and being happy. He claimed he wasn't happy, because of the fighting (and other little things like he'll say a joke in passing to friends..and I'll be over-sensitive and call him mean or annoying -keep in mind we've very bestfriendy and such..and that I've been stupidly trying to make us two coupley-and then he'll get mad at me). However, when I brought up how I know he's happy with me, and how important our trust and being there for eachother and how I know he's happy when he hangs out with me, or cuddles with me, or has sex with me, or just talks to me...he couldn't say no.
I swear that I will do anything to 'save' us. I know now how stupid and insignificant the fights were, and how much they were hurting him..and so now that is all going to stop. Now we just need to forget everything else and forget all of the bad things and just focus on what has brought us and kept us together.
He thinks we'll be happier apart, and I just don't see how that could be. Not being with him would be like not breathing. It's not that I depend on him..it's just that when we're alone together and not fighting..it's the best feeling in the world. It just doesn't make sense to not be together.
We haven't broken up, even though he says he wants to. He doesn't want any stupid end of the relationship stuff because we didn't have a stupid cliche relationship. I don't know what we'll do though. Because being together as a couple and being together as best friends..is the same thing. It will be so hard to not be able to kiss him goodnight or cuddle with him. Because I know things like that make us both happy. I know being with eachother makes us both happy. He's just focusing on all of the bad, claiming I'm not happy either because I complain so much. But he doesn't understand that the things I complain about honestly don't matter. What matters is that we're together. I'm begging him to give us more time to try not fighting and see if we're happy together or not, because I know we will be.
All of this occured around five am. He went to sleep because he was very tired and had been up all night. Then he has stuff at school from nine to noon (it's currently ten). And then band practice, which I was supposed to go to, at his house. And then a friend of ours was going to have us and some other friends over tonight. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I should go to school and meet him when he's done so we can talk. Or to wait and hope for the best.
He still loves me and still cares for me..so why won't he work to stay with me?
Right before he went to sleep, I told him 'I love you' right before he signed off. He text messaged me with 'sigh, i love you too'. I then sent him more texts reinforcing all of the things I had been saying online about how we are happy together, but got no reply. I finally fell asleep for about two hours and just woke up. I was fine and then I remembered what happened..and now I feel sick to my stomach. I don't want to get up and face the world, and I don't want to just stay in bed crying..I just want for him to talk to me and tell me he does love me and us and we will stay together and be happy.
I'm very sorry that this was so long, but this is so important to me.
Please give me any help and advice. What should I do? How should I make him understand that we should be together, and that we can be happy together?

Klandy,
How old are you?
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
I'm eighteen and about to start at a local junior college, and he is seventeen and a senior in highschool.
The thing is..I'm not depressed anymore and I won't go back to how I used to be. This is actually the happiest I've ever been. And a lot of that is because of him. One thing is that I'm in the second month of the pill, and it's making me way over-sensitive. I'm trying to control it and slowly things are getting better.
I ended up walking to the highschool and I got a ride with him to his house when he was done. I had to promise not to fight..which I never want to do again. And we didn't fight. He rambled to me about a bunch of things, mostly ranting about his parents. Then our friend, who is in his band came for practice, and my boyfriend's dad (who is a jerk usually) completely flipped out and is making him do a bunch of stuff that isn't his responsibility and so we got kicked out.
While walking home I called him and told him that we'll just chill and not worry about us because I know he has a bunch of other stuff to worry about. He said ok and then he had to go because of his dad.
I'll probably talk to him tonight..and I'm gonna tell him that we aren't going to fight anymore and we'll just be there for eachother.
I just really hope he doesn't say we're done and we break up and then he pushes me away and goes to his other friends..because what we have is seriously something special.
..Sigh.
Edited 8/17/2006 5:24 pm ET by klandy
Edited 8/17/2006 5:52 pm ET by klandy
There are things you can do to show him you are serious about ending the fighting.
Because, as you know, even though things can really be great most of the time, the times spent fighting are enough to end the relationship. The fighting is both of your fault, even if it is comments that you say that lead to those fights.
A few suggestions for you....First, buy and read Men are from Mars and Woman are From Venus. It has a lot of good information for you about how men and woman are different. This can be seriously helpful for you and your relationship. For example, it talks about how woman make comments to men that they think men will hear as suggestions for improvement in their relatioship or whatever. But all men are really hearing is that you aren't happy with them or that you don't trust them to do the right thing. This could be one of the situations that leads to fights between the two of you. There is a ton of reading material out there from people that have lived and studied relationships and human behavior. You guys are relatively young and can learn and benefit from the experiences of others. You can read it together or alone.
Also, besides reading material there is counseling out there. If both of you have had depression and suicide issues in your past that has come from experiences that you both likely had growing up. It is never to early to address those experiences and use counseling as a way of getting to know yourself better, understand how your past is influencing your behavior today or even if it just to get an outside prospective on some of the issues that effect you and your relationship.
Good luck and hope it all works out for you the way you'd like.
I know this information is going to bounce right off of you, but you are 18 and the odds are you will have many relationships in your life, not just this one.
Hmm. Just a little update.
After more talking, not fighting. We figured out what he thought was really wrong (he felt trapped and had more fun with our friends, and was really tired of the fighting) and we talked about what we can do to fix it (I got too clingy and relied on him too much and tried to make us too 'coupley' and fake, and what works most about us is that we're real and just us). So he finally agreed to give it another chance.
We went to our friends house last night and just had fun laughing with all of our friends. We did this fake fighting thing we do..like wrestling and stuff, which sort of winds up like us cuddling. And he seemed to be actually happy to be with me. And then I scratched his back, which he loved. He kept saying how I should spend the night, but my parents made me leave early. Later when I was at home he called me to say a funny quote from the movie. They're all small little things, but they're steps toward us being happy together again. So I hope it works.
Tonight we'll hopefully go to see a movie and then go to our other friends house and spend the night (if his parents don't suck, cause they're worried we'll have sex -they don't know we do, and they don't know I'm on the pill). So hopefully that'll go good, not too much pressure but just having fun, and then some cuddling and stuff when we go to sleep.
Once school starts for both of us it should be better because we will both be busy (him with hard classes and a lot of band practice, and me with a bunch of college homework) so we won't see or talk that often (one problem was that we would -always- be talking), so when we do see eachother it'll be better. We just can't fight over stupid little things.
It makes sense, because I would complain to him and make him feel like I wasn't happy and I wasn't good company, so of course he wouldn't want to spend time with me and then we'd fight. So now..we're just going to enjoy eachother's company and then he'll want to spend more time and be 'nicer' to me. So..it will work. I know it will.
I wasn't able to eat much yesterday (which is fine cause I'm on Jenny Craig and losing weight pretty consistantly), and now I still feel nauseous. I don't think it's really nerves anymore. Even though I keep thinking about this and about him, but I know I can't go smother him because then it'll push him away. I think that it's because I took too much nutritional yeast to try to offset the over-sensitivity I had from getting used to the pill.
I know this was long but..yeah. So hopefully this will continue to improve. Thank you all for your help, and anymore advice would be great!