so confused...cant think straight
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| Sat, 07-22-2006 - 8:34pm |
Ok...up front Im going to adnmit in large part its my fault that Im in this situation. I met my fiancee at work when he was going through a divorce and we fell in love fast. I was the one that pointed out that he most likely needs to work out issues (his wife cheated) from his past relationship before he could move forward with me. He assured me that he was over her and loved me. He pushed and pushed for us to move in together. We had only been together for 6 months when we bought a house together. Things went down hill real fast. For some reason he would get "really" angry if I said I didnt want to have sex. We were having sex 6 times a week (new relationship) but if a no would come out of my mouth a 3 hr fight would follow. This was followed by discussions about insecurities. Ok..that fight/discussion would finally pass and we would move on for that day. It became more and more fequent. I think the lack of respect is what made me that most angry. He would walk by me and grab my boobs and my cratch out of no where. So romantic! Im not the type of girl that needs to be romanced before we make love but come on...thats NOT a turn on.
After months of the fights and the lack of respect something inside of me shut down. We didnt make love for almost 2 months straight. Maybe a couple times in there. He got sooooo hateful. Telling me I was worthless, he hated me didnt even like me, all I had going for me was my looks. It got to the point where i didnt even like him anymore. I visialized hurting him when he was yelling at me. I remember one morning i was getting ready for work and he was saying mean things to me again. I told him we were over and he started to do a "happy dance" (as he called it" right in my face. I slammed the door in his face. I warned him first that he better back off for his own good but he didnt listen to me. Result was the door slamming. I just couldnt take it anymore. I also found out that he had slep with someone else when we were on a so called break. Thats a whole other story.
He treated his ex wife the same way but yet he's amazed that she left him. The ex comes up A LOT...not in a good way. Lots of hate and name calling. Just so much "stuff" to deal with.
Ok....a few months later. Im now in my own place. We are still seeing each other and trying to work through issues. What has brought me to writing today is because of what happened yesterday. Things have been going a little better (but then we arent living together either). We took the kids (he has two and I have one) to do a couple errands last night. He told me that we should have a "sleep over". He brought this up at 8:00 at night. My daughter bed time. I told him that tonight isnt the best night to do this and he flipped out. With his whatever's and fine's...like a child. And then he flipped me off. What in the world???? I was in shock. Didnt know what to say or do. We got back to our old house where he still lives and I took my daughter and put her in the car. He was like " why are you going?" What???? I just left, couldnt say anything. Didnt say a word to him that night or all day today. He called about 6:00pm asking to do a sleep over. I said no, he asked why and I told him because I was still upset about yesterday. He hung up.
Im confused. He makes me feel that Im the one with the problem. Sometimes I start to wonder....maybe I am.
I dont know if any of this letter made sense. Comments, thoughts are appreciated.

>>up front Im going to adnmit in large part its my fault that Im in this situation.<<
Well, yes, you've made a very bad choice by staying with him after he showed his true colours....and an even worse choice in wanting to stay together and work on issues.
But sweetie, it's not like you're strapped in for the ride and can't get out - you can get off this ride any time you want. His bad treatment of you will end as soon as you kick his sorry ass to the kerb.
And I totally agree with the previous poster that having a relationship with this man is very bad for your daughter. Do you really want her to learn that his behaviour is OK? Because every day you stay, you're increasing the chances that your daughter will follow in your footsteps and find a man like him.
This guy is angry and abusive and sex and control of women is a power trip for him (pushing to move in so quickly, demanding sex and having a fit if he doesn't get it, cheating during a break, giving you the finger)....it has nothing to do with you. It sounds to me like he really hates women. This is a pattern.....he is not going to change, he will never even believe that he has done anything wrong (alothough he might say it to try to manipulate you).....why do you accept this behavior?
For gosh sakes lose this guy and find someone that you can be happy with, that you can model a healthy relationship with for your daughter, and that can be a good SF to your daughter some day. You deserve this, your daughter deserves this....no excuses, no blaming yourself, and no looking back......just go get it.
P.
I won't ho into how harmful this is for your daughter because others have already done that. But if you don't think being in a relationship with someone who's mean and verbally abusive, disrespectful and has entitlement issues (as all abusive men do) doesn't tell her that women should accept that kind of treatment and that since Mommy puts up with it, it must be what women should look for and accept in men, think again.
This guy is abusive. If you have any doubts in your mind, repost your post on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. They are in or have been in situations just like yours. Ask them questions, they'll be happy to offer you advice, suggestions and encouragement. Read the posts that are there, both current and archived ones, there's a lot of inspiration and knowledge there. Also read the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage , it's filled with articles and information that will be very insightful to you. Be sure to read the article called "Sweet Baby Syndrome: because that's what he's doing right now. Read even the articles that don't seem to apply to your situation, I think you'll be surprised to see how many places he fits into. Abuse gets worse, never better and abusers don't change. Staying in a relationship with him, even if he swears he'll change will always end with you being in an abusive relationship. Need more proof? Re-read your post and ask yourself why you should continue with this guy.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you everyone for your thoughts...I really appreciate it. I know in my heart the truth and what I should do...sometimes, unfortunately, its hard to do. And when you get someone in your life that makes you believe that you are always in the wrong even when you know you arent, it just feels like a 1,000 pound weight is on your shoulders.
sincerely,
confused locs :)
Goldie, I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage for 17 years. If anyone knows how hard it is to get out of, I do. It's the cycle of good guy/bad guy and the delusion that things are improving that sucks you in. That, along with the shame and ever lowering self-esteem keep you there. If you know in your heart what the truth is and what you should do you owe it to yourself and most certainly your daughter to do the right thing, even if it's hard. I can tell you it won't be any easier than it is right now. You're not back fully invested, not back fully under his control, but you're getting there. You allow what happens to you, hard or not, you make the decisions on what direction you go. If you decide to just go along with it, that's a decision to let it happen, to damage your own life and that of your daughter.
Yes, I know it's not easy. Do you think it will be easier when you're back living with him? Do you think it will be easier when you've been locked into the relationship for five years? It will never be any easier than it is right now.
Have you re-read your own post? Have you read the articles on the Domestic Abuse homepage? Have you posted on the Domestic Abuse board or at least read through the posts there to get a feel for what you're in for and to see how their relationships started out? If not, why not? Afraid of what you'll see? If so, you saw him in most of the descriptors, right?
It's your choice, Goldie, but I'll tell you, if I'd known what you know at this stage of my previous marriage, my life would have been a lot different. I wish I'd had the knowledge you have. Your fate and that of your daughter are in your hands.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"