So hard not to give up

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
So hard not to give up
4
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 2:20am

Me and dh has been together since we were 16 we are in our early 30's now. I feel so overwhelm lately and it has really have a influence on our marriage. We have two wonderful kids and have been trying to have another for the last 7 months with no hope yet and that is very stressful for me when I see everyone around me pregnant but me. I work and go to school and take care of the house with no hard from my dh. Latley I just feel like giving up on our marriage we have had some problems but overall I always know I loved him enough to make it work but now I'm not so sure. My dh has alot of growing up to do and I just don't feel like he is here for me like I need him to be. He works and on Friday he likes to go out and I'm home alone with the kids. I understand he needs to have time alone but I often feel like we have no time together at all. The last few days I haven't been talking to him and that is hard for me but I have no desire to say anything to him. Our wedding aniveristy is in one week and I don't even want to do anything with him. I am so disappointed with how he acts and the way he treats me I don't want to do anything with him. I'm wondering if maybe I'm building myself up to be alone. And I also wonder if we are not getting pregnant because we aren't going to be together. The last thing I want is to get divorce but I have talked to him I have told him I would get divorce if he didn't change and nothing changes. I don't know if I'm asking for to much or if my husband just can't give me what I need in a marriage. Pls any help is needed.

prrygirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 11:05am

Welcome back, Pryygirl ~ Because I'm at work I'm not able to read or respond to your post, but I peeked in and of course recognized your name. I wanted to provide the links to your previous posts so that others have the benefit of better understanding and insight of your relationship and, as a result are better able to give you informed thoughts and opinions that better address your specific situation.


I NEED HELP


How to Trust Again


Many posters find it very helpful to re-read their old posts, in doing so they can often recognize growth - or lack of it in their relationship and often see their issues more clearly as they aren't in the middle of the emotion as they were when they posted them originally. I hope they help you, too. I’ll be back after work, see you then!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 12:01pm

prrygirl,


Did you and your husband ever attend counseling after the infidelity issue last year?

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 7:52pm
No we never did. He said he was only talking to someone on the phone but that he didn't cheat. I don't know. I tried to put it behind us and for awhile we were doing okay but we just seem to have to many issues that i'm not sure can be worked out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 10:28pm

There are some very serious issues in your post:


"He said he was only talking to someone on the phone but that he didn't cheat." Are you saying the fact that he searched out another woman to talk to isn't a problem? Even if all they did was talk, this woman left him a message saying she "missed and loved him", doesn't kind of indicate to you that even if he didn't physically touch her he absolutely betrayed your relationship by having an emotional affair, sharing things with her that should only be shared with you? Do you think that's okay? I don't know about you, but that's cheating to me. I would think that you haven't been successful in putting that aside when it's clearly a huge problem and it's one that brings up huge emotions for you due to your father's infidelity. The fact that this affair (emotional or physical) happened is a huge problem. His dismissal of it doesn't indicate remorse, he excused his behavior, which only suggests it will very likely happen again.


"My dh has alot of growing up to do"At the age of 30, he is grown up. If he's still acting immature, irresponsible or whatever, it's because he is immature and irresponsible. He's done growing, this is who he is.


He goes out every Friday night and you understand he needs some time. Great, but when do you get time to go out with your friends and just have a good time? It's important for all of us to have time to ourselves, but there also has to be time to be together as a couple too, and that's something you've indicated you don't get. Like I said, time to go out with friends is important, but there has to be balance. There has to be some split of that time for your relationship and you have to spend time with your responsibilities too.


You've indicated that you work, go to school and do all the housework while he works and goes out with friends. That's not a partnership, that's being the mother of a teenager; although my teenager has to do his share of the housework too.


My question about your relationship would be:
Have you talked to him about the lack of balance of responsibility? Have you talked to him about wanting, needing and expecting him to spend time with you as well as his friends? I should clarify, besides taking to him about these things, have you had a discussion with him, where you expect answers, make agreements and find some resolutions.


My question to you after hearing about your relationship is why do you want to bring a child into this unhappy situation? A child growing up in this situation will be growing up in a dysfunctional, unhappy environment and his or her life will be very affected by that, as you can attest as your parent's relationship affected you quite strongly. And further, why would you want to take on the added responsibility of having to do all the child care on top of everything else? Wouldn't you want to have a child only when your relationship is happy, satisfying and secure? When you have equality, a partnership, respect with a responsible partner?


It seems to me that at the least you are in very serious need of a marriage counselor. In all honesty, Prrygirl, I don't know why you'd want to continue in this marriage.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"