So hurt and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
So hurt and confused
4
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 10:47pm

My bf and I have been together now for 4 years. We have had a lot of ups and downs in the relationship and with life in general. I have been telling my bf for the past 2 yrs that we need to spend more time doing things fun as a couple. The only thing we do is see each other at home(we live together) and basically all we do is watch TV...him in one room and me in another. On occassion we watch something together. We don't go to the movies, bowling, to shoot pool or out to dinner. We haven't done these things in over 2 years. I feel lonely in my relationship. Another problem is he sleeps a lot and won't work. He works only when it is so needed to not end up on the street. His dad died a year ago. He is going to be getting money from selling his dads house along with his 3 other siblings. I am afraid the money he will get from that will give him more of an excuse not to work and live off that money, but that money isn't alot when you have to share it with siblings. I have lent him over 4,000 that he says he will pay back when he gets the money from selling the house. It is sold, so now he is just waiting for all the legal stuff to get done. I feel he is depressed alot but he will not go get counseling or be put on meds. Another problem we have is in the bedroom...well there is very little action in the bedroom. I personally would like sex at the least once a week but 2-3 times a week would be great. He only wants it between every one to three months. He says he loves me and says he is attracted to me but no love making. He gives me kisses and hugs everyday and tells me he loves me and I love that but I am not having my needs met with companionship...doing activities together, sex and feeling secure with his employment/lack there of. I am on disability and have not been able to work for some time now. He knew this when we first met and said he was ok with that. Though I want to return to work so bad but my doc says not yet. I came home today and packed all my things telling him I was moving. I could tell he was hurt but he just came at me with words of anger and told me to get out. After all my things were packed he told me i could stay if I wanted and he would get out of this funk he is in. I have heard this so many times before and no good results. I was so exhausted from crying and having a hard night sleeping the night before that when he said I could stay all I wanted was to lay down and sleep. I asked him if we could go to counseling together and he said he didn't know. He is pretty against counseling but I asked him if this relationship was important enough for him to go. He said he didn't want to talk at this point. I told him I would keep all my things packed for a day or two and if there is no agreement on how to make things work, I was leaving. Should I give it more time then that??

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 11:26pm

Welcome back, Firelightshimmer ~


I'll be back to your post in a bit, but until I can get to it I wanted to provide your previous posts so others who might be able to get to you before I can will be able to have the benefit of a better understanding of your situation.

I just don't understand him:(

CMike11 (This one is mostly an argument between board members and Cmike11, but provides some important information on Firelightshimmer)

New here and need advice
little itimacy but he says he loves me

Many board members find it very insightful to read their old posts. They often find they gain a better perspective and insight on their situation and are able to gauge progress (or lack of) in working through their problems. I hope they help you too.

I'll be back as soon as I can!








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 11:54pm

I guess it really is a lost cause. He doesn't want to make me happy even though he says he loves me. I guess I am the fool.


Tina~

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 12:12am

You're not a fool if you walk out that door now while your bags are packed. And you're not a fool of you learn from this experience.

If we learn from our life experiences, then we can only grow stronger and wiser.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 2:47am

Huge hugs, Tina. I am so sorry for everything you're going through. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. I lost my father several years ago. We were very close, he was everything to me, I cannot begin to tell you how devastated I was, so I do understand what you're going through and I know you're still struggling with it now. My heart goes out to you. Your boyfriend is hardly a support to you, especially at this time. I'm sorry for that too, you deserve much more than what you're getting.


Tina, I have to say that none of the issues you've mentioned is an easy one, and you've got many. The relationship hasn't been what you've wanted and needed for over two years. Two years worth of dissatisfaction in your boyfriend's actions and behavior say you are dissatisfied with his character. If these were temporary actions and behavior, it would have come and gone, two years is a set pattern; clearly he's being who he is. And who he is is someone that you aren't satisfied with. In order to be happy and satisfied with this relationship you need him to:

  • want to do things with you and interact with you (not at all unreasonable, it's what should happen in a happy, healthy relationship).
  • Want sex more often (not too likely that his libido will change, although depression causes you to lose interest in sex, but since he's not willing to do anything about his depression....).
  • Be motivated and interested in being employed full time (this is a core value and clearly he doesn't want to work and doesn't think he should have to and that's not going to change).
  • Stop being depressed. Depression is something that may be with him for the rest of his life. Living with a depressed person can be more than draining, it can suck the life right out of you. It would be one thing if he were doing what he could to relieve his depression, but he's not. You can't make him and you can't motivate him, it has to come from him. If he's not willing to help himself it means he'll continue to be depressed. You can't help him and you can't fix him, but you can choose how you're willing to spend your life.
  • He's against counseling. That's something that would give someone who's in a happy relationship reason to reconsider making the relationship long term. When you're in a relationship with someone who's against getting needed help from trained professionals when your relationship needs it you're acknowledging that if and when you have problems you won't be able to work together effectively and intelligently to resolve them. You're pretty much shooting yourself in the foot by moving forward in a relationship where relationship help will not be an option. And if he feels this way about counseling, I imagine that transfers to getting help for his depression too. That means living with a person who continues to be depressed not because they have to be but because they refuse to get help. He can choose that Tina, but choosing to live with a depressed person who will not seek help is unhealthy and will lead you to much more unhappiness -- unhappiness that won't go away.


    What I've listed above are the things you mentioned that is wrong with your relationship. Tina, any one of those things is huge, but when you put them all together I think you can see it's pretty unlikely that they will all change, even if one or two did, there would still be huge problems and issues that would continue to keep you dissatisfied. The bottom line is that you can't change who he is, what his character is, what his beliefs and values are, and many of the issues you're unhappy with lie directly in those things.


    I do have some understanding of what you're going through. I lived with a boyfriend for three years. At first things were great, we did tons together, were constantly interacting, etc. I was very happy, it gave me everything I wanted in a relationship. After the first year of living together (the most typical time for changes to come up) things changed. He no longer was so interested in going out or in interacting at home for that matter. Life with him sunk to a place where he'd come home and sit wordlessly in front of the TV until bed time. I protested, complained and warned that I was not happy. Things would be better as long as I pushed for doing things, interacting, etc., but if I didn't push, nothing happened. I told him I needed to see him actively working to rebuild what we'd lost. He'd make weak efforts for a few days or so, then it would be back to the TV and the status quo. I warned him over and over that this was not enough for me, that I was not satisfied. Eventually, I ended the relationship. When I did he was shocked, begged me to stay, promised to change things but frankly, I'd given enough chances and I knew that giving him another chance would end the same -- short term changes then back to the same old same old. I realized that what I was seeing was who he really was, that the relationship I'd loved and the guy I'd been happy with was the guy who was out to impress me, keeping me interested, etc. Once he felt secure in the relationship he settled down to who he really was. And who he really was wasn't what I wanted in a relationship, wasn't what could make me happy or satisfied. I think the same may be true for you.

    I know that you want it to work out and I know you want it to change back to the way it used to be. I think it's important to take a step away and look at how long it's been since it's been what you wanted. I think when you realize how very far away that time was you'll realize that it's futile to try to get back to something that was years ago. It's just not realistic.

    Four years is a long time to be together, and two years is a huge amount of time to have been unhappy and dissatisfied. Investing more time into a relationship that's been wrong for over two full years isn't a good investment for your life. Adding more time to bad doesn't make sense and won't make you happy. I know how hard this is and I know how badly you want it to be right. I'm sure he wants it to be right too, but he can't change to be what you want any more than you can change to be happy with what he is. You can love someone and not be right for them or satisfied with them. Love isn't enough, as your relationship has proven.


    I wish it could be different for you Tina, but in order to be happy and satisfied I think you'll have to move on and find someone who's goals, values, beliefs and desires are compatible with and compliment your own.







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"