Somebody give me a kick here...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Somebody give me a kick here...
14
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 6:11am

Hi everyone :o)

Here's the thing - I want DS (nearly 2) to have a close sibling. (He has a much older sister who doesn't live with us, but it's not quite the same.). However, I'm TERRIFIED of being pregnant/giving birth again and we cannot afford another child right now. Certainly not financially, and I question how we'd manage emotionally given everything that happened after DS was born.

Please tell me to be happy with my glorious son and rapidly improving relationship and stop wanting something I'm not sure I even really want.

Argh.






Edited 9/13/2010 6:15 am ET by englishrose1979

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Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 8:26am

I will tell you three things. First, age has absolutely nothing to do with the closeness of your children's relationship -- that is all related to their personalities. My brothers are a year apart and not very close. I am 8 years younger than my brother and we are very close. Having one later is really not a problem.

Second, my husband and I wanted a second child. It took us many years to conceive our first. The fertility for the second did not work and then 2 adoptions fell apart. So we got a dog. Yes, I know a dog is not a person, but a puppy is baby-like and it helped us work through our feelings. And we did. A friend had triplets and few years back, and when I was at the hospital holding one I thought it was a nice baby, but I had worked through it and didn't wish it were mine.

Third, as someone who has experienced both primary a secondary infertility -- and you are not, I get that -- there is an abyss between not being a parent and being one. However, the space between and first and a second child is bridgeable -- because you are already a parent.

Having a baby later will be fine,if you want to. Not having one will be fine. There are advantages to having your children several years apart -- only one in diapers, each gets their own activities and attention, etc. Don't assume that if your children are, say, 5 years apart, they will not be close. And there are advantages to having only one.

Good Luck,
Tobermory






Edited 9/13/2010 8:30 am ET by tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 8:29am

Oh I so understand that desire!

Here is how I see it. Regardless of the dynamics, you can make a wonderful life out of what you currently have.

I think the quote goes:

"You don't find happiness in what you want, but in what you already have."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 8:36am

Is there anything you are trying to avoid by thinking about this issue when you know it's not the right timing? Maybe you are obsessing about this so you won't have to deal with something else that you are facing?

IDK, when I was baby obsessed I did think about it all the time. I wanted to have a baby from about age 23 to the time I really did have a baby, age 29. Then the feelings all went away because I didn't want another baby with my ex, and the baby feelings didn't come back until after my divorce from him.

Maybe you are wanting a baby more now because of your rapidly improving relationship, feeling really good about your relationship can lead a fertile woman to be a little baby crazy.

The only think you can really do IMO is force other thoughts into your head. It's impossible to stop thinking about something by trying to not think about it, but it is possible to get yourself to think about something else and when you do, you aren't thinking about the other thing. What else is going on that is coming up in your future that you can focus on and obsess about instead?

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."


John W. Gardner





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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 3:14pm

We've discussed this - if we don't have another child, we will definitely get a dog when DS is a little older.

There's some family history here - my mother was an only child and experienced it as a very lonely thing. She proceeded to have five kids. So on some level I process only child as a bad thing and many siblings as a good thing. Even though there are, as you say, advantages to having just the one.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 3:15pm

LOL, if I could pin it down as a real desire TO have a kid that would be something. But it isn't. It's a vague notion that a child shouldn't be alone (based on my own childhood), that onlies are somehow penalised. I don't even know whether this is me wanting to have another child or feeling like I SHOULD have another.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 3:22pm

Hey, I was hoping you'd see this :o)

I don't think so, no. Ever since I had DS, this has been on my mind. The more I think about it, the more I feel that on some level I think I SHOULD have another child. That somehow having only one is selfish/bad. Possibly due to my Quiverfull type upbringing (which has only just occurred to me as I'm writing this). And every time someone asks me when we're having the next one, I feel vaguely guilty about saying 'no plans for another just yet'.

Why is that?

LOL! I like how you put that :OD I've always found it hard when a decision is unmade. I like to know what we're doing, what the plan is, etc.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 8:19pm
And every time someone asks me when we're having the next one, I feel vaguely guilty about saying 'no plans for another just yet'.





I've always found it hard when a decision is unmade. I like to know what we're doing, what the plan is, etc.





Interesting how the issue of having a plan keeps popping up. Maybe it's not so much having an only child or having more kids, it's the unknown aspect that's eating at you. Maybe when someone asks you about it, the thing that is being highlighted for you is: "What? You are walking around with no PLAN? Are you serious? You need a plan!"





Which drives me to ask, what have you done in the past when there has been a looming possibility and no plan? How do you manage the anxiety that comes from unknowingness? And also, what is it that keeps you from making a plan? When you talk to your SO about it, what keeps you stuck between making a decision between the two choices of no more kids, or yes more kids?





OT: Did you know "unknowingness" is actually a word? lol. It just doesn't look right.

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."


John W. Gardner





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Ten Rules for Being Human



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"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

Avatar for tobermory
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Registered: 01-29-2001
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 9:49pm

So far, this has not really been a problem with our daughter because we go out of our way to make sure she has children to play with and lots of activities. We chose a building to live in because there were many children her age. We are involved in our synagogue where there are lots of children her age. We joined a pool for the same reason. And she does karate and art and make friends there as well. I think when you have an only child who is very social, like mine, you really have to make sure that she has peers to talk to.

Tobermory

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 12:42am
I like Tobermory's take on this.

For the record, I have two kids, 18 and 22. I hear people say, "you can't have one child by itself" and my opinion is I think having just one is absolutely fine. And if you really want two but can't afford it or don't want to go through it right now (I so understand that!), then have one until another is reasonable.

I remember how you and your husband struggled with adapting to your little guy, it wasn't that long ago. A new baby with a two year old will make for a whole lot less time to focus on each other - or anything but tending to kids. Is your relationship ready to handle that?

My personal experience - and I'm sure others will have a totally opposite experience - is that having the second child put a big dent in the relationship between my first (my son) and I. We'd spent a lot of time playing, going to parks, libraries, etc., lots of fun kid stuff. Once his sister was born we didn't have the ability to pick up and go when his schedule allowed for it, we had her scheduled to consider as well. I should add here that while she was an extremely easy baby, she did NOT sleep unless she was in her own bed. (We lived a good 1.5 hours away from decent shopping at the time and spent some very miserable days in the car and in the shops with a baby who was tired and mad as hell but would not sleep. 1.5 hours is a long time to drive with a wailing baby in the back seat, by the way). Anyway, much of our fun, mom and son time wasn't able to happen. It hurt.

Now, I know zillions of people have many more than two kids, so I know others must handle the situation better than I and/or had babies that were more conducive to sleeping on the go, and I sure wouldn't give either of them back, but in hindsight, I think it would have been perfectly to have just one.

I also understand not being sure you're ready to be pregnant/give birth again. I loved being pregnant (despite puking for 7 months) but clearly recall dread set in deep as we made the drive to the hospital and I also recall saying out loud, "I don't want to do this again!" LOL! Despite that, I survived the birth. It's one of the most horrendous, fantastic, awesome experiences ever. I would do it again so my husband (who has no chldren) could experience it, but I know when it came time for the actual birth I wouldn't feel any more enthusiastic about what was ahead. We're not having any babies at our house though, just sent the youngest off to college and we are thoroughly enjoying life all to ourselves.

So, I have no problem telling you to be happy with your glorious son and rapidly improving relationship and stop wanting something you're not sure you even really want.























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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 3:46am

With difficulty. If I know that the decision is with someone else (eg a job interview), it's easier. It's very very hard for me to have a decision I need to make left unmade for a long period. Actually, I can't think of a time it's ever happened before. Even when we were waiting to TTC, I knew that we were waiting for SO to be ready. MY choice was already made, and I just had to wait for him to catch up.

Not knowing my own mind on this is quite uncomfortable.

I guess the conflict between what we'd ideally like and what we actually have.

LOL! Love it :O)

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