Somebody Help Me PLEASE!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Somebody Help Me PLEASE!!!!!
11
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 1:00am
I am 25 years old and have been married almost 5 months to my husband, 32. I love my husband very much and there are a lot of positive aspects of our relationship, but i'm so frustrated right now with our sex life that I'm seriously considering leaving him tonight.
Over the past three years of our relationship there have been times that my husband has gone long periods without wanting sex. About a year and a half ago there was a period of six months in which we had sex three times. During this time I expressed my frustrations frequently, and did everything I could to try to figure out what the problem was. He insisted that he was just stressed out because he was in a somewhat troubling financial situation at the time and our sex life improved so much in the 8 months prior to our marriage that I was sure this problem was behind us.
Fast forward to the present. We have had sex two times in the last 6 weeks. At the moment it has been over three weeks since the last time we were together. Tonight marks the second argument we've had about it in the past month. The arguments pretty much begin when, after we both get into bed without our clothes on and do a little touching (him doing most of the touching, mind you) he then rolls over to go to sleep. Having had this happen every night for almost a month I, feeling very frustrated, ask him if he realizes how long it's been since we last "did it". He'll state how long it's been and then I'll jokingly ask if I can get a guy to be with on the side or if he cares if I hook up with one of his friends. He'll say "sure go ahead' or something to that effect and then roll back over. Of course, this was just a way for me to break the ice and I'm wanting to discuss it more. So I'll say something like "seriously, I need to have sex more than that, we've talked about this before." And then he'll complain that I'm making a big deal about nothing and tell me how he needs to sleep and he doesn't want to argue. So I'll say that I don't want to argue, just talk and he'll say that he wants to sleep. And then I get upset and acuse him of not caring about my feelings and then he tells me to shut up and I storm out of the room feeling incredibly frustrated.
That is exactly what happened tonight and I'm feeling like I need to vent to someone. I don't know what to do!! I don't want to beg my husband for sex, that's just a turn off for both of us. When I bring it up at all he says it's a turn off for him. But I am just not satisfied having sex as little as we do. In the past our arguments have ended with him saying that he'll do better(probably just to get me to stop talking about it), but he never seems to make an effort. Not to mention the fact that when we do have sex it usually only lasts 10-15 minutes including very little foreplay.
I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I have told him that I'm not at all satisfied with our sex life and that maybe we need to seek counseling. He says that I'm overreacting and that he doesn't see a problem with it at all other than the fact that I make a big deal about it. I feel that, as my husband it's his job to make sure that I'm satisfied, or to atleast give it a good effort. I've thought of every possibility in the world as to why he may not want sex and after years of trying to figure it out I've ruled out most every problem there could be. I would bet all the money in the world that he doesn't cheat on me, and I am what most people consider to be very attractive (as is he), not to mention seven years younger than him. I feel like I should be fighting him off with a stick every night! It just seems that his libido isn't comparable to most men his age (or to mine). But I feel like there has to be some kind of a problem and that he should be concerned enough to do what he can to fix it.
I feel like I'm at the point where I need to do something but I don't know what. I feel like he doesn't take me seriously at all or consider my needs, or feelings about what's important to me. And since he won't got to counseling and refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem, I feel like leaving him for awhile might be my only option. But even then I think he might just say that I'm overreacting. I just don't know! I'm sorry this is so long. I just have so many feelings I'm trying to sort out right now and I feel so alone since I can't even talk to him about them. Any opinions would be greatly appreciated!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 1:24am

Has he had a check up? Has his testosterone level been checked. Low testosterone can cause low libido, depression and other issues. It's worth having it checked out.

If it isn't something medical then maybe it is something psychological. Is he capable of intimacy in other ways? I mean emotional intimacy not sexual. It does concern me that he tells you to go look elsewhere. That is not normal for most men, at all. It is concerning that he invalidates something that obviously IS an issue for you so early in the marriage. You guys are just starting out. You are going to face a lot in life. Is he going to treat everything you have concerns about as if they are no big deal and not put any energy towards them?

I think a check up is in order. If he is not gay or addicted to porn and satisfying himself that way I'd say it is NOT normal for a guy to only want sex a few times a year.

I do think discussing it in bed is the wrong place to do it. The time to talk about it is out of the bedroom where the need for sleep is not there and maybe at a time that the pressure to perform is off.

First step is a physical. Has he also been evaluated for depression? Low libido can be a side affect.

There is a mismatched libidos board her at ivillage where you might get some other suggestions. But I do find it distressing that he doesen't seem to care about something that you obviously have strong feelings about.

As a side note-

My ex H told me 3 weeks after we got married that he had never really wanted to get married. When I asked him of he wanted a divorce then he said "No." Then spent the next 4 years making it impossible to be married to him. It included not coming to bed with me and wiholding sex. It turns out that he really didn't want to be married but he didn't want to be the bad guy who ended it so I had to. Do you think it could be something like this in your situation?



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 1:26am
Just wanted to add- I'm sorry you are going through this and big ((((((HUGS)))))


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 2:00am

Thank you for your insight and suggestions. And the hug! To answer some of your questions, no my husband has not had any of his hormone levels checked, but he won't consider doing it because he doesn't think there's a problem, he says this is just how he is. And yes, he is capable of emotional intimacy. We laugh and cry together all the time, and have deep conversations about other things. Not to mention the fact that he is extremely affectionate most of the time and he tells me he loves me and compliments my appearance atleast once every day (usually more.

I don't think he is gay, but the porn addiction is questionable. About 6 months into our relationship (2 1/2) years ago I found several (atleast 100) nude pictures of attractive women. Not ones that he would download from a porn site, but ones that girls had taken with their webcams and e-mailed to him personally. I also found saved IMs between he and a few girls in which a webcam was definitely being used. All of the IMs I found were from before we met and most of the pictures were too, but there were a few that had been sent since we had started dating. I confronted him about this and he promised there was nothing shady going on and that alot of the pictures had been sent to him when his old roommate used his computer. I told him that talking to girls and looking at them nude while doing it was cheating to me and that if he didn't do something about it we had no future. He had his entire computer reformatted and all of the pictures are now gone. However, the webcam is still hooked up to our computer, but since we got married (when I moved in) I haven't found anything suspicious on the computer or any evidence that the cam is being used.

As far as depression is concerned, that's also a possiblilty. In just 11 months prior to when we started dating he lost his best friend, a close uncle, a teammate from his softball team, a close bussiness client/friend, and a nephew, all very suddenly and tragically. And I know for a fact that he never sought counseling to help deal with all of his pain. Not to mention the fact that he had a difficult childhood including physical abuse by his mother. However, if depression is the case I'm not sure what to do since he refuses to acknowledge there is a problem.

Also, I have tried bringing the topic up outside the bedroom, but he always just rolls his eyes and says if I ever want to do it again I need to stop bringing it up. He does tend to trivialize any problems/concerns I may have, but I contribute this to his extremely logical nature. He is like that with everybody. Also, he isn't being serious when he tells me to go ahead and find another guy to hook up with he's just being sarcastic as he always is with everybody. In his opinion a "stupid comment deserves and equally stupid response".

And, I don't think he regrets getting married. In fact, he tells me all the time that he's happy that we got married. I'm usually the one expressing my concerns about our realtionship. I think my concerns are very valid, but in his opinion everything is fine and we are far from needing counseling or considering a divorce/seperation.

Again, thanks for your feedback, and I will definitely check out the board about mismatched libidos!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 2:27am
Welcome to the board, Newlywed555 ~ I pretty much am in agreement with everything Hottllipps had to say. I do have a question though, you said this problem came up a year and a half ago and was a problem for six months. After that six month period sex became frequent again, with him initiating? I'm wanting to make sure that when it got better, it was "all better" and not just "okay, but still not what it should be". Either way, I agree that a medical exam is the first step, and it's an important one. If he's swung from frequent sex to non-existent sex for a period of time and the pattern is now returning, I'd say this could be a serious indicator of medical problems. Sexual performance problems are a symptom of many serious medical issues -- diabetes for instance. It's important that the doctor know what the problem is so when he's doing an exam he knows what to be looking for. If your sex life has been good and returned from the lull to be good again, I wouldn't think it's a matter of libido, if it were I'd think he'd be at that same level all the time. I agree that the bedroom -- especially while in bed -- is the last place to discuss sex problems, it will make your problem more likely to continue, not get better, likewise is it not a good idea to talk about sex problems just after having sex, or just after unsuccessfully trying a sexual advance. It does need to be discussed, but not in the bedroom and not before/during or after sex or sex attempts.


I also agree that his unconcern about you in this is concerning. He says you're making too much of it, but quite obviously he's not looking at this right. It may not be a big deal to him, but it is a big deal to you. This is something you need to point out; he can see it as a non-issue all he wants, but if it's an important issue to him, he needs to know that, and if it's serious enough that you won't be willing to continue in a marriage with this problem he needs to hear that too. I would strongly discourage you from "leaving him for a while". If this is a serious enough issue that you won't stay as it is, then by all means leave, but do so in the knowledge that if it isn't addressed properly (medical check up, counseling, the works) that you won't return. Leaving with the idea that you'll prove to him how important this is and then will return is a bad, bad idea. Never threaten what you aren't ready to carry out, and never go through motions that you aren't ready to follow through on. I'm not saying I don't think this is a serious enough issue to leave over, I do, but if you're planning to leave, do so planning to move forward alone if this issue isn't resolved to your satisfaction.


Another aspect, of course is that we can say he needs to see a doctor all we want, but if he refuses to go, there isn't anything you can do to make him. What you know for sure is that as this has proven to be a recurring problem, if it's not addressed it will almost certainly return -- assuming it won't stay and become the normal for your sex life. You can't make him do anything, you can only make decisions for yourself, using his choices and actions to base your decision on is appropriate.


You mentioned another very big problem in your reply to Bjuana that you didn't mention here. (Your husband sounds alot like mine!...) You said your husband has been with your four-year old son for three years, wants to adopt him but refuses to do anything to help. You also said he refuses to acknowledge it. This is very concerning and a serious red flag, along with the sex issue. It seems he's not considering you on many levels and is not a partner to you in your family. How is it that he refuses to acknowledge his refusal to help? How can a marriage work if you're doing all the work for the child while he does none? It's also very concerning and a serious red flag that your husband refuses to seek counseling. Refusing to get real help for problems is condemning your marriage to serious unresolved issues, just as refusal to seek medical help would be condemning physical health.


While I see that sex is a serious problem for you, I also think you have several other very serious problems as well. I'm concerned.








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown



Edited 2/13/2007 3:32 am ET by 2nd_life

~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 7:36am

'... But I feel like there has to be some kind of a problem and that he should be concerned enough to do what he can to fix it'.

Problem? No. It's called Low Libido. He does not need s** more than once every 3 weeks. Full stop. End of story. Very similar to someone with a huge appetite who can have 3 massive meals a day and numerous snacks in between and someone else who can barely make themselves eat a sandwich a day. You cannot change his genetic/biological structure. You cannot MAKE him want it more than he does naturally. You have a right to perhaps expect him to 'see to it' in other ways to keep you satisfied, but there is simply no way that you can make him into what he isn't. Could you just suddenly stop wanting sex? No, of course not. Same goes for him. Have you visisted the 'Mismatched Libidos' board? It could give you a lot of insight in relation to your situation...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 11:24am
Welcome to the board, Juliauk2007 ~








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 12:00pm
As far as I understood from her post, the problem is not 'new'. Or perhaps when the relationship was just beginning, as is the case with all LLs (low libido individuals) referred to on the Mismatched Libidos board, he was obviously in the phase of intensified lust caused by newness and infatuation etc etc etc.. but with time and a bit of habit, he settled into his normal shcedule and does not see anything at all wrong with it. And she is essentially trying to 'rewrite his DNA' if you wish by forcing him to want it more than he does naturally. This will most definitely fail. I post on the ML board sometimes, and I am of the opinion that if a gap in libidos is not along the line of 'once every six months' vs 'twice a week' a compromise can be reached. In the OP's case, I do think it it reasonable for her to work with what she has got, and maybe initiate some 'non-penetrative' action lol once or twice in between, or take care of it herself if the actual physical release is that much of a neccessity for her. Then again, it is rather hard for me to understand her as I could very well be classified as LL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 10:12pm
What I read in her post was that of the three years they'd been together he went through a stretch of six months where he wasn't interested in sex (only three episodes during that time) and that now it's been six weeks. Maybe I misunderstand, and maybe she hasn't made it clear enough yet, but from the way she wrote it, I assume that other than the six months and this six weeks their sex life has been satisfactory to her. Perhaps I just don't know, but it seems to me if it were purely a difference of libidos, the vast majority of their relationship would be low, rather than the other way around. Am I wrong?


I do agree with you 100% on you can't rewrite what he's predisposed to. In any case, even if there's a fixable medical or mechanical problem, if he's not interested in fixing it or even in investigating it, nothing will be fixed, it will be up to her to decide whether she's willing to live with it or not.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 12:06am

Thank you all for your responses. Actually, I really don't think this problem is predisposed. It has happended in spells over the past three years. And yes, in the 8 months prior to our marriage it was he who primarily initiated the sex.

If I had to venture a guess as to what the problem is I think he might be depressed. Or atleast extremely stressed. Our financial situation at the moment is more than stressful not to mention the fact that we are both trying to go back to school and buy a house this year. However, I'm not really sure he would go to the doctor, especially since he doesn't have insurance at the moment.

Also, what I posted about him not helping out with my son is mostly true, however I was angry at the time and probably shouldn't have labeled him as "selfish and lazy". I think he would help out alot more if I asked him to, but I'd like for him to take initiative on his own. We just signed my son up for tee-ball over the weekend and I think my husband is more excited than my son. So I think that will be a great opportunity for him to take on more responsibilty and for the two of them to bond.

The thing about this entire situation that frustrates me the most is the fact that he doesn't take my concerns seriously. That is something I do think he has a problem with, and not just with me but with everybody in his life. He has a habit of dismissing others' opinions and concerns if he doesn't see the point in them. This is something that drives me crazy when it's at it's worst because he will simply just shut down and refuse to hear you out. If I ever was to leave it would be because of this and not simply becasue he doesn't like to have sex sometimes. However, in all honesty I could never leave with the intention to stay gone. Despite any problems we have I do love my husband very much and can feel how much he loves me and my son (most of the time, haha). And even though I get angry and frustrated with him and might want to be away from him for a few hours, or even an entire day, I'd never want to divorce him. My father has been married and divorced 3 times in my 25 years and has had many other relationships, all extremely shallow in comparison to the one I have with my husband. I know we are incredibly lucky to have the love that we have for each other and I have high hopes that we can work through these and any other problems that may arise in our marriage.

Also, as a side note, I happended to mention to my husband that I posted on here about my frustrations and he was completely positive about it. Thanks again for all of your feedback and suggestions!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 2:33am
Don't worry about your comments, although I have to say "selfish and lazy" are pretty accurate descriptions of someone who stands by and lets you do all the work. Does he do his fair share around the house and just doesn't help with your son or do you do all the housework and childcare? I'll say too that if you're not happy with the way things are you've got speak up about it if anything's going to change. I'll say too that especially if it's helping with your son that he's negligent in, it could be a carry-over from your beginning days. Time was that it wasn't appropriate for him to have a part in child issues, his place was to stand back and let you handle it. It can be easy to get used to that being the way things are and not recognize that he needs to step up; just like you continued to be the care taker, he continued to be the "observer". It's time for you to tell him you want and expect him to be an equal partner in all things, child issues, house issues, all of it.


If he's not taking your concerns seriously, then he's not listening to you. He's coming back with what he thinks, that you're making too much of it, when in fact, that's what he thinks, not what you think. If you tell him you're hungry, does he tell you you're not? If you say you're sick, does he tell you you're not? This is no different. You're telling him it's a big issue for you, you're not asking him if he thinks you should be concerned about it, you're telling him you are. You get that in his opinion it's not a big deal to him, but to you, it is a very big deal, and that means it needs to be looked at. This is an important issue to you, and that makes it a very important issue to your marriage. You need to tell him to stop running his opinion of the issue and listen to how you feel. This isn't up for judgment or critique, this is you, how you feel, what's important and serous to you. If you are his wife and partner, he's got to stop turning this into what his opinion on it is and listen to what it means to you. He's not showing respect for you, your feelings, your wants or needs by dismissing this (or anything else) as making "too big a deal out of it". Really, if my husband tells me something that's important to him but doesn't matter at all to me, the issue commands respect and attention because it matters to him. If you have a problem, your marriage has a problem and that makes it his problem too. Make sense?

Is it possible that he has erection problems and is trying to admitting to them? Six weeks of not having sex and pretending it's fine seems like a lot (and six months is really a lot); if he's denying that it's a big deal or a big difference, he's blowing smoke. He knows it is, he knows the difference. I would confront him in that too; don't accept answers that don't make sense or don't get to the heart of the issue. Don't be sidetracked, insist on facing the issue. But not in the bedroom, and not right before or after a sexual encounter or attempt. As long as it's avoided and not faced it can't be understood or worked on. Avoiding it just prolongs it, your frustration and causes more damage to your relationship. I understand your high hopes to work through this, but working through marriage issues takes both of you and right now, he's not willing to work on it at all.


Don't let your father's example decide how you live your life. Divorce doesn't necessarily mean your relationships are shallow, and it doesn't mean you're following in your father's footsteps. I'm not suggesting you get a divorce, but staying with your husband because you don't want to be like your father won't make your relationship any healthier and won't make your life any better or happier.

I understand that it's difficult to think about seeing a doctor when you don't have health insurance, but this is a pretty serious issue, especially considering it is a recurring one. There's no such thing as a chronic, long term problem that's "no big deal" and if he's enough depressed that it's causing this kind of symptom for this long, it's something that seriously needs to be addressed with a doctor. I do think the first step is getting him to open up and be honest about it, I know you can't *make* him, but you can push and not fall for his attempts to avert you by instead telling you what he thinks about it. Here's an article that might be helpful:

Stress and Your Sex Life

Keep us posted on how it's going ~







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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