Someone tell me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Someone tell me
4
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 3:23am
Hi all,
Making a surprise appearance again...! Yes my bf are still together/back together. However things have been somewhat different between us since "he" decided to get back together. He seems distant and claims it's because he's still just afraid of where our relationship is going. When I try to talk about things that we used to discuss as far as our future go, not even when I'm trying to have serious conversation but just when I bring things up jokingly or in casual conversation (our children, our future, future children, future finance combining, etc...) I just get this feeling he is so doubtful.
I know he loves me and that he cares about me but I just feel like since he is so distant now how will this be later?
I couldnt sleep tonight and even sent him an email confronting him about his distance lately and that if he's not happy or thinks he'd be better off we were not together that maybe that would be best because I don't want either of us to be unhappy. I guess I just feel this sense of boredom and exasperation when it comes to dealing with our relationship. I mean he's still affectionate and still says he loves me and opens up to me sometimes but I feel like for the most part his heart maybe is on the fence right now and I guess I have this awful fear of continuing a relationship with someone who isn't outrightly showing me that he is so looking forward to our future together or sharing a family with me eventually. I know he does but I feel like he's just not at a comfortable and happy point with it right now.
I know I'm one to overreact about EVERYTHING but I don't want to have my love and emotions be in vain while I keep putting myself out there. I'm just terrified it's a half hearted decision and his boredom of me will eventually come through (maybe that's my low self-esteem...)...I don't know. Can anyone give me some advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 9:11am

I think you are expecting too much and his current state of being, hesitant about your future, is what is to be expected and is normal and healthy. I get the feeling you want things to just automatically go back to where it was "when things were good." Life and feelings don't do that. And shouldn't do that. Obviously the two of you have many issues in your relationship that are causing a lot of problems. Acting like they don't exist and that you two have a perfect relationship would be a big red flag to me--if he was doing that.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 8:41pm
Hello!Ok from my opinion; I just don't see it really as a problem with him.You can't rush somebody's feelings.Everybody is different.You can't make somebody fall in love or do anything that they do not want to do.I do not know him or the current situation godo enough to truely give my judgement on that matter.However giving on what you wrote I can tell you that I believe to me that he is just not ready.He may love you and not be ready for a lifetime commitment,kids,etc.Not saying he dont want that with you, just maby not any time soon.The reasons may vary like I said everyone is different.That does not mean he never does.He may be scared for one reason or another.The fact that you just got back together over a breakup may play some part and scare him off even more.Ok well you may want all these things and to share them with him.I personally think that you should not push him into anything or you will regret it later on.Marriage and making a life and family together needs to be a mutual agreement at the time it happens.Not one in which the other one rushes the other.Just because you know he loves you does not mean that he is read.Therefor if he is not ready and he thinks you may leave him if he does not agree with you then either one of 2 things will happen he will give in and be unhappy with the way things turned out or he will leave and you both will regret for the rest of your lives what happened.Think about it.If you love him and are willing to spend the rest of your life with him then what does it matter when you get married?I mean if you are with him at least you got him.Ask yourself this if you pressure him about this whole life thing then he gets scared and leaves or you leave him because you want to settle down then maby it is commitment you are looking for and not commitment with him.Or you will spend your life in regret instead happiness just because you did not wait on your true love to make up his mind.thing is stuff like this can not be forced on somebody and if you try to force it then you are not changing the person or their beliefs you are just prolonging the situation and avoiding it or making them avoid it and the outcome in the end will not be a good one.You will see that just waiting on the other person will be well worth it when and if you ever do get married.Otherwise you can count on it to be a dissaster.I do also however want to say that I believe that you guys have some issues that you need to work through before either one of you gets married.I mean you did just get back together.There are some issues there I am 99 percent sure.Or you would not have broke up to begin with.No matter who did it you both need to address the problem so it does not end up the same way it did before and you guys just keep repeating this over and over.Never knowing how it could have actually turned out if you had given your all.This will also test your ability to community in marriage.Because trust me ask any married person no matter how long you are together things do change some for better some for worse once you are married.This is because people change.This is just life.Marriage tends tobring on new points of views on both parties perspectives. ----------------Love,Kathy GOD BLESS and good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 3:13am

I'll give you two versions of what I think:


Version 1 - Like Jen said, he's understandably gun shy and isn't feeling as close or sure of things as he used to. Being a little distant and unwilling to dive in as if none of this happened wouldn't be very realistic and wouldn't be a true representation of what he's really feeling. Would you really want him to pretend everything's wonderful so you can feel better about the relationship? Even though it would mean you would be lulled into a false belief that everything's "just fine"?


Version 2 - what I really think - (you're not going to like it). I think you're dead on when you say you feel that his heart is on the fence. I think he was ready to end it when you wrote the email, basically begging him back (no, you didn't drop to your knees, but you didn't respect the fact that he said it was done and had continued to ignore your calls and that's begging). It's not typically easy to end any relationship, often they go in spurts, off and on until all the life has been sucked out of them. You caught him at a weak moment where it was easier to say "okay" than it was to continue to fight it. He's stand offish because he doesn't feel the same as he did. He's not as sure that a future together is right or doable. Hate to say this, but his level of affection isn't a good indicator. Guys have been known to stay in relationships they were not at all interested in simply because it was easier to keep having sex with an already willing partner than it was to go looking for a new one. Awful, I know, but a fact. I think your relationship is on it's way out, you may stay together for a long time or you may break up and do the off and on thing a dozen more times, but I think it's already been set in motion.


Either way, expecting him to behave in a way he doesn't feel isn't reasonable. You can't control how he feels, you can't *make* him happy and sure. It may make you feel lousy to see him acting so off, but that's yours to deal with, not his to "fix" for you.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 3:34am

hmmmm - 2nd life, you've swayed my train of thought.

Initially, I was about to criticise him for getting back into a relationship when he is unsure of it. And based on all that we've heard, he's got every right to be unsure about this relationship - a relationship with so much angst is not a match made in heaven. I thought that the only time to get back into a relationship is when you've had a break and are 100% sure it's what you want. .

However, having said all that, your point #2 makes perfect sense. I also believe that it was easier for him to give in and get back together for a bit longer than to continue to fight it. Like you, I've known a number of men who are in relationships where they don't want to be. When these men say how miserable they are (behind their partner's back) - it makes me so sad. Why prolong the agony?

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