Someone tell me
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Someone tell me
| Tue, 01-31-2006 - 3:23am |
Hi all,
Making a surprise appearance again...! Yes my bf are still together/back together. However things have been somewhat different between us since "he" decided to get back together. He seems distant and claims it's because he's still just afraid of where our relationship is going. When I try to talk about things that we used to discuss as far as our future go, not even when I'm trying to have serious conversation but just when I bring things up jokingly or in casual conversation (our children, our future, future children, future finance combining, etc...) I just get this feeling he is so doubtful.
I know he loves me and that he cares about me but I just feel like since he is so distant now how will this be later?
I couldnt sleep tonight and even sent him an email confronting him about his distance lately and that if he's not happy or thinks he'd be better off we were not together that maybe that would be best because I don't want either of us to be unhappy. I guess I just feel this sense of boredom and exasperation when it comes to dealing with our relationship. I mean he's still affectionate and still says he loves me and opens up to me sometimes but I feel like for the most part his heart maybe is on the fence right now and I guess I have this awful fear of continuing a relationship with someone who isn't outrightly showing me that he is so looking forward to our future together or sharing a family with me eventually. I know he does but I feel like he's just not at a comfortable and happy point with it right now.
I know I'm one to overreact about EVERYTHING but I don't want to have my love and emotions be in vain while I keep putting myself out there. I'm just terrified it's a half hearted decision and his boredom of me will eventually come through (maybe that's my low self-esteem...)...I don't know. Can anyone give me some advice?
Making a surprise appearance again...! Yes my bf are still together/back together. However things have been somewhat different between us since "he" decided to get back together. He seems distant and claims it's because he's still just afraid of where our relationship is going. When I try to talk about things that we used to discuss as far as our future go, not even when I'm trying to have serious conversation but just when I bring things up jokingly or in casual conversation (our children, our future, future children, future finance combining, etc...) I just get this feeling he is so doubtful.
I know he loves me and that he cares about me but I just feel like since he is so distant now how will this be later?
I couldnt sleep tonight and even sent him an email confronting him about his distance lately and that if he's not happy or thinks he'd be better off we were not together that maybe that would be best because I don't want either of us to be unhappy. I guess I just feel this sense of boredom and exasperation when it comes to dealing with our relationship. I mean he's still affectionate and still says he loves me and opens up to me sometimes but I feel like for the most part his heart maybe is on the fence right now and I guess I have this awful fear of continuing a relationship with someone who isn't outrightly showing me that he is so looking forward to our future together or sharing a family with me eventually. I know he does but I feel like he's just not at a comfortable and happy point with it right now.
I know I'm one to overreact about EVERYTHING but I don't want to have my love and emotions be in vain while I keep putting myself out there. I'm just terrified it's a half hearted decision and his boredom of me will eventually come through (maybe that's my low self-esteem...)...I don't know. Can anyone give me some advice?

I think you are expecting too much and his current state of being, hesitant about your future, is what is to be expected and is normal and healthy. I get the feeling you want things to just automatically go back to where it was "when things were good." Life and feelings don't do that. And shouldn't do that. Obviously the two of you have many issues in your relationship that are causing a lot of problems. Acting like they don't exist and that you two have a perfect relationship would be a big red flag to me--if he was doing that.
Jen
I'll give you two versions of what I think:
Version 1 - Like Jen said, he's understandably gun shy and isn't feeling as close or sure of things as he used to. Being a little distant and unwilling to dive in as if none of this happened wouldn't be very realistic and wouldn't be a true representation of what he's really feeling. Would you really want him to pretend everything's wonderful so you can feel better about the relationship? Even though it would mean you would be lulled into a false belief that everything's "just fine"?
Version 2 - what I really think - (you're not going to like it). I think you're dead on when you say you feel that his heart is on the fence. I think he was ready to end it when you wrote the email, basically begging him back (no, you didn't drop to your knees, but you didn't respect the fact that he said it was done and had continued to ignore your calls and that's begging). It's not typically easy to end any relationship, often they go in spurts, off and on until all the life has been sucked out of them. You caught him at a weak moment where it was easier to say "okay" than it was to continue to fight it. He's stand offish because he doesn't feel the same as he did. He's not as sure that a future together is right or doable. Hate to say this, but his level of affection isn't a good indicator. Guys have been known to stay in relationships they were not at all interested in simply because it was easier to keep having sex with an already willing partner than it was to go looking for a new one. Awful, I know, but a fact. I think your relationship is on it's way out, you may stay together for a long time or you may break up and do the off and on thing a dozen more times, but I think it's already been set in motion.
Either way, expecting him to behave in a way he doesn't feel isn't reasonable. You can't control how he feels, you can't *make* him happy and sure. It may make you feel lousy to see him acting so off, but that's yours to deal with, not his to "fix" for you.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
hmmmm - 2nd life, you've swayed my train of thought.
Initially, I was about to criticise him for getting back into a relationship when he is unsure of it. And based on all that we've heard, he's got every right to be unsure about this relationship - a relationship with so much angst is not a match made in heaven. I thought that the only time to get back into a relationship is when you've had a break and are 100% sure it's what you want. .
However, having said all that, your point #2 makes perfect sense. I also believe that it was easier for him to give in and get back together for a bit longer than to continue to fight it. Like you, I've known a number of men who are in relationships where they don't want to be. When these men say how miserable they are (behind their partner's back) - it makes me so sad. Why prolong the agony?