Somthing I've been thinking about.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Somthing I've been thinking about.......
12
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 12:48pm
I was married once before. It only lasted 3 months however because I realized that I just didn't love him. I was pressured a lot from my family who are very religious. I thought that I could be with a man that I didn't fully love. I mean I loved him as a person but I wasn't madly in love with him. There were some other issues on to why I left also.(it'll take too long to write all about it though) Here is what I've been thinking...but haven't found an answer to yet....Is it better to be with a man that you don't really love, but loves you unconditionally? That will provide EVERYTHING and would litterally lay down his life for you? Or is it better to live with a man that you are in love with, do everything for, but have great struggles and have a pretty rocky relationship (on his end)? Which is better to have?? I mean I'm only 23, I have a son and another kid on the way. And I just want to be settled and established already. I don't want to be like my real mom who jumped from guy to guy and to this day is still not happy. I'm afraid that I"m going to end up like that. It's scarying me. What do you think?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 1:07pm

"Is it better to be with a man that you don't really love, but loves you unconditionally? That will provide EVERYTHING and would litterally lay down his life for you? Or is it better to live with a man that you are in love with, do everything for, but have great struggles and have a pretty rocky relationship (on his end)? Which is better to have?? "


How about neither?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 1:15pm

elm06,

Just a couple of "in my opinions".....

<>

In reality my dear, that's just how you are already being. And your draggin your son along with you just like she did to you.

Best of luck,
defleppardgal




Edited 5/18/2006 1:33 pm ET by defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 1:16pm
Thanks for responding. It does make sense. But it's just hard for me to grasp right now since I am in the "madly in love, but crappy" relationship. I mean I will be having two kids with this man. And it's just hard for me to see anything else in the future. Does that make sense? I don't think i've ever been in a relationship that it was mutual. Gosh I dont' even know what that feels like....wierd. This may sound dumb, but somtimes I think I'm just doomed either way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 1:23pm

Is this the same relationship you posted about last month?


I feel like I have too much to loose....


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 1:37pm
yes it is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 2:35pm

Welcome back, Elm06 ~


I'm at work and am unable to answer your post until I get home, but I feel it's very important for others who are








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 2:48pm
I just wanted to say THANK YOU so much for taking interest and for taking the time to answer correctly and give me good advice. It means more to me then you'll ever know. I have been going thru a really hard time and I come on these boards to try to get some help. And I have been getting it. Especially from you. So thank you so much for that!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 2:50pm
Oh I forgot to mention that I am at work right now (it is the only way to get on the internet)but i'm heading home really soon here. So I will respond tomorrow. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 1:36am

Thanks for posting the link, Kim. I didn't read the OP's post or any of the responses when I posted the same link, simply peeked in, knew the name and threw the link in quick before diving back into work. Thanks for putting it out there, I appreciate it!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown



Edited 5/19/2006 3:02 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 2:39am

Elm, Kim's exactly right, neither of the relationships you describe are good or healthy. In a good, healthy relationship, in a relationship that's right for you, you don't have to give up any of what you want or accept anything that you don't want to. The right relationship has everything you want, you don't have to settle or decide it's "good enough"; the right relationship isn't "good enough", it's exactly right. This link will show you the qualities of a healthy relationship and it will also show you an abusive relationship too:
Is Your Relationship Healthy?


I'd also like you to take a look at a few other links, these will help you identify what's going on in your relationship pretty clearly:
Characteristics of Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationship

Types of Abuse

and this one should drive home how it all happens:
Cycle of Violence

Be sure to scroll to the bottom of the page so you can see how your love hope and fear keep the cycle in motion and make it hard to end your relationship.


I'm not doubting how you feel about your husband, but I wonder if a lot of what feels like love isn't really a strong pull to get him to change back to the guy he used to be. When things are good (the good parts of the cycle) it seems like he's changing back, it makes you believe there's reason to hope and believe that he's "coming back" and it will be wonderful again. I lived like that for 17 years, looking at those good times, thinking they signaled change, or the great potential for change. When I realized I'd been waiting for this change for 17 years, I knew it wasn't going to come. How long have you been waiting? If it's more than a few months, you know it's not a bad spot to get over (besides, bad spots don't include abuse of any kind) and if it's been more than six months, you know it's a pattern, it's the way it is, it's the way he is. He's not going to change back, the guy you knew before was the fake, this is the real one. The guy he was before was how he got you, once he had you, he didn't have to "play nice" anymore, he could stop pretending and be like he really is. This is who he is, Elm, this is what there is for you in this relationship as long as you stay in it. This is how he'll be with every woman he's with, period.

You've mentioned some things that indicate you don't know what a healthy relationship is -- you've had no examples to learn from. You mention your mom (who you learn from) and you've never been in a healthy relationship. How about getting yourself out of this one, into some therapy to learn about healthy choices, healthy people and healthy relationships so that you can move forward to find a relationship that is everything you want, happy, healthy, secure and loving -- both to your guy and from your guy. Pretty far out to be thinking when you're struggling here in this abusive one, isn't it? One step at a time, that's how it's done. I know that you want to be settled. The fact is, you'll never be settled with your husband. How can you be settled when he's hitting you, yelling at you, coming home at all hours and more? Sweetie, these things are not going to change, and you know you can't be settled when you have no idea what's going to happen when he comes home. Lord, I've been there, getting tenser and tenser as time to be home got closer, and if he was late it was even worse, that meant he was out drinking. Here's the thing, a good relationship grows, but a relationship can't grow when there are unresolved issues. And in abusive relationships issues never get resolved, they happen over and over again.


I've been reading you on the DA board, Elm. I know you feel like it's your fault that he hits you because you get angry, but it's not your fault. No one would be able to remain kind and calm under those circumstances, and everyone has the right to defend themselves, against words and fists. Let me ask you this, let's pretend you didn't react and he didn't hit you. Would that make your relationship good? Would you be happy then? The fact is, you'd still be dealing with his same attitude, his same actions and his same treatment, you'd just be sucking it in to avoid getting hit. Does that sound fun, happy or good? How about fair? Does it seem fair that he gets to do whatever he wants and you have to suck it in, show nothing, defend never in order to keep him from acting badly towards you? That's not healthy, that's soooo oppressed. It would be like living in a very little cage.


Elm, this isn't a relationship, this is hell and it's going to stay hell forever. You can't change him and you won't change him. The percentage of abusers that change is 1%, yes, 1%. He's not going to change. What you can change is you. You know what you want -- stability, to be settled and established. You want a healthy, "mutual" relationship. Those are appropriate, good, healthy things to want, but you'll never have any of those things as long as you're with your husband. You'll give up the chance to have any of what you want, you'll give up the chance to feel loved and cared about, to feel safe and happy and you'll be trading it all for abuse, anger and fear. One thing that helped me realize I really had to leave was asking myself what kind of life I wanted to look back on when I was an old woman. I wanted to have the kind of life that when the old woman looked back she'd smile. I knew that if the rest of my life was lived in my marriage, I would look back in sadness of how I had lived all those years. Life like that is existence, not living. Life is so good on the outside of abusive relationships. I hope you'll find that out for yourself soon.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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