Soon to be stepdad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Soon to be stepdad?
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 1:51pm

Hey! I really dont know the best board to post on....I would like some advice to help my relationship so I hope you guys can help me.

I will keep this short. I have been with a great guy for almost 3 years and lived together for most of that time. We have three children from different relationships. I have one son (6). My fiance and I have had many ups and downs over the years... mainly dealing with a frustrating ex-wife but deep down we know that we make each other happy and always seem to work it out.

I must admit, however, that I have been noticing his moods have become worse and worse over the years and he certainly does not treat me half as kindly as he once did. I was very much swept off my feet and now not so much...

However my main problem...that is really making me re-think my future is that my son has recently been diagnosed with a mild type to autism. We have had our worries for some time and I almost felt relief when I found out as now I can begin to help him...

My son has many "quirks" which my fiance has always found annoying. I am sad to say - at times when he is angry at me he will call my son terrible names for example - retard. Last night, he pretty much told me he's not sure if he is ready to handle a life time of issues with my son...When I asked what he ment by that he said he didnt know. I then went on to tell him that he really needs to have a long hard think because I cant change who my son is....This morning however he tells me that he wants to be with me forever and we can get through anything and that I should be happy that he is at least honest that he tells me how much my son annoys him?

I have built my life around the man I love and I am now questioning my future with him. I need advice to help me deal with him and help him deal with my son in an adult manner. Any suggestions will be feeling pretty lost - and torn between what the right thing to do....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 3:16pm

I'm sorry to have to say this but I would be done with him. Time should not make someone less nice to you. If you have a problem with the way someone treats you, the answer is to leave the relationship, because this is something you're not going to be able to change much. It's a reflection on who they are and how they think relationships should be.

Coupled with the fact that after three years, he is still unsure of whether or not he can be with your son... I don't think he's a good candidate for you to marry. Sure it's great that he's honest, but now the onus is on you to find someone who is happy to "deal" with your son. I think you're right to question his ability to be your son's stepdad. If he's not happy to do the job by now, then when will he be? I don't believe he changed his mind overnight (and neither do you). He's just in a better mood.

Can I ask how it took so long for your son to have an autism (even mind) diagnosis? I have a number of cousins on my dad's side with various degrees of autism so I'm just curious.

Has your SO always expressed a hesitance to be in a family with your son, or is he just balking because of the recent diagnosis of autism?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 4:12pm

Seriously, do you want to marry a guy who finds your son "annoying?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 4:50pm
Quick comment from me: In my school, it's not at all uncommon to see kids in the space from Preschool to year 2 diagnosed with Aspergers or mild autism. Aspergers is particularly good at slipping undetected until a child is school age.

When they aren't yet at school, they can simply be viewed as a bit quirky. But when they start having problems at school, they get referred and then diagnosed.

The ones diagnosed earlier mostly have obvious issues and have missed many milestones along the way (like my boy)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 5:00pm

Susie, I too have a child who has autism.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 11:25pm
The changes in your relationship are fairly common and can be worked on. But I would have a hard time getting over my partner calling my child a retard. It's insensitive and I wouldn't want my child growing up with that kind of regular, negative feedback. It's good that your partner can tell you how he's feeling BUT it's not good that he can't control his own emotions enough to manage his frustration level in the first place. It sounds like he may be unaware of how hurtful his comments are to your son and to you. Do you think he has any idea about that?
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sun, 12-19-2010 - 3:22am

Susiehold, you haven't been on this board before, but you did post about your relationship on the Toxic Relationships board last summer and that post is pretty important in giving a better view of your relationship and your fiance:

Scared and alone

Your fiance is abusive. He was then, he is now.

~ cl-2nd_life