sos..still unhappy..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
sos..still unhappy..
14
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 2:41pm

I'm back again..I've posted here many times. Living with boyfriend for 2 1/2 yrs. We r still not married and it doesnt look like its ever going to happen. And right now its fine. I am so tirwd of being treated difffently. He has his kids half the time.  when they are with us he is all laughing talkative..but as soon as they leave he doesnt talk doesnt want to do anything..wen theyre around its like hes a different person...and he has an attitude with me if i say something but if his kids say anything..its funny..im so tired of it

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Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 9:55am

ddrs143 wrote:
<p><span style="color:#000000; font-size:small">Thank you for your responses…. Yes….one step at a time.</span></p><p><span style="color:#000000; font-size:small"> </span></p><p><span style="color:#000000; font-size:small">The job situation is ok, because I am 45 minutes to work whether I live near my kids or from where I am now.<span>  </span>I would need to find an apartment, but I know if anything I could stay with my kids until I find something. </span></p><p><span style="color:#000000; font-size:small"> </span></p><p><span style="font-size:small"><span style="color:#000000">The first step is telling him that I will be leaving.<span>  </span>We have had numerous arguments and I have told him that the relationship is not working for me.<span>  </span>Nothing has changed.<span>  </span>He tells me that I am living in a dream world….and am looking for a perfect man.<span>  </span>I know that nobody is perfect, but I’m looking for someone who is perfect for me.<span>  </span></span></span></p><p><span style="color:#000000; font-size:small"> </span></p><p><span style="font-size:small"><span style="color:#000000">Don’t get me wrong, he is not a bad person.<span>  </span>He loves in his way…but it’s not how I want to be loved.<span>  </span>I need that affection, which I don’t get.<span>  </span>I want US to do things together….alone once in awhile.<span>  </span>Anytime marriage has been brought up, he says “fine let’s get married”…wow..now that’s romantic.. <span style="font-family:Wingdings"><span>L</span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color:#000000; font-size:small"> </span></p><p><span style="color:#000000; font-size:small">He says he is broke..has no money..but in the meantime, I’m giving him money every pay period, plus I pay for all the food.<span>  </span>He has no problems paying for anything as far as his kids go, and he has every right, but what about me?<span>  </span>What about my kids?<span>  </span>They are struggling.<span>  </span>They don’t even have a car…they are using mine and I carpool with a lady from work.</span></p><p><span style="color:#000000; font-size:small"> </span></p><p><span style="color:#000000; font-size:small">It’s getting to the point that I’m resenting his kids…and that’s not me.<span>  </span>I don’t want that to happen.<span>  </span>They are so fresh to him…and he thinks its funny.<span>  </span>I don’t like it.</span></p><p><span style="color:#000000; font-size:small"> </span></p><p><span style="color:#000000; font-size:small">So why am I staying? <span> </span>I guess because I’ve vested 11 years with this man and think that things will change…but they never do.  We have had an on again off again relationship..and in between one of those times he married (his 2nd).  I think he has commitment issues and I think that his whole life is his children (to the point of obsession)...and he has no room for me..only when its convenient for him.</span></p><p><span style="color:#000000; font-size:small"> </span></p><p><span style="color:#000000; font-size:small">Thanks for listening.</span></p><p><span style="color:#000000; font-size:small"> </span></p>

You two are not right for each other. You're incompatible.  It's best to just put your plans in motion and get on with your life.

Don't resent this children--he's doing for them exactly what you're doing for your kids---letting them use your car with you having to carpool is no different from him throwing money at his children and crying broke to you.  Your children are just as large a part of your life as his are of his, and if he wants to give all his money to them, that's his perrogative as a parent, just as you wanting to go without a car because you've let your children use it, that's your perrogative as a parent.

Things are never going to change.  You are pouring your good years down a bottomless hole behind this man.  Things would have changed a long time ago if they were going to do any changing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 12:41pm

You are absolutely right.  We both have every right to do what we feel is necessary for our kids.  I am not taking that away from him.  He is a good father.  I guess I just want the love and respect that I feel that I deserve.  There is no affection, no communication and that is affecting me.  I feel like his roommate. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2012
Sat, 11-17-2012 - 9:47am
first you have to love yourself. The guy is showing you sign . That u don't make him happy. It all boilds down to. Letting him go, cut all commiuications of. For a least two weeks. Step back and let it be. Once he realize that he's not torching u because that is what he is doing. Than he'll come back. But let it be a slow process. Start off with a walk in the park, or fine dining and explain to him what u have shared with the world. And u refuses to be a part of a man's life that u can't see the same laughter or love when either u'll alone or the kids are their. Bascially he has place his soul for u on the back burner most of the time ur partner, are foolin around and hope u get the message. Life is too short. When a person can not share joy with u let it go and the right man will find u.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 11-17-2012 - 8:29pm

ddrs143 wrote:
<p>You are absolutely right.  We both have every right to do what we feel is necessary for our kids.  I am not taking that away from him.  He is a good father.  I guess I just want the love and respect that I feel that I deserve.  There is no affection, no communication and that is affecting me.  I feel like his roommate. </p>

then you need to find some other man if you're after the love and respect you deserve. This man is not the man who will give that to you.  For him, his children will always come first and it would seem that for him, any woman who gets with him is going to have to get with that little thing first.

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