sos..still unhappy..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
sos..still unhappy..
14
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 2:41pm

I'm back again..I've posted here many times. Living with boyfriend for 2 1/2 yrs. We r still not married and it doesnt look like its ever going to happen. And right now its fine. I am so tirwd of being treated difffently. He has his kids half the time.  when they are with us he is all laughing talkative..but as soon as they leave he doesnt talk doesnt want to do anything..wen theyre around its like hes a different person...and he has an attitude with me if i say something but if his kids say anything..its funny..im so tired of it

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 4:52pm

If you're tired of this & you continue to have the same problems for a long time & nothing is changing, then why are you still living with him?  Either you have to accept that this is the way he is & nothing is going to change and go along with it, or you have to get out--otherwise, really what is the use of complaining that you're unhappy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 5:36pm

As Musiclover mentioned, if your not getting what you want out of the relationship, why stay in it.  If you've discussed it with him or tried to discuss with him and nothing got resolved.  He's not leaving you much of an option but to leave the relationship.  You must choose either live with the way it is now or leave the relationship if he's not willing to change.

DJbootcamp

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 2:17am

Ddrs143, I know it can be scary to think about leaving a relationship.  If you're insecure or have a self esteem issue, leaving can be scary, even if you're unhappy.  Nobody likes change (well, hardly anybody) and thinking about the unknown of life on your own can look pretty dismal, but it won't be dismal.  It's the first step to getting the kind of life you really want.  You say it doesn't look like he's ever going to want to get married.  You know what?  Why would you want to marry someone like this???  Why would you want to be with someone like this?  The truth is, being on your own would be much better than being with someone who ignores you and is a different person when his kids aren't around. Ddrs, this is NOT someone you want to be with!   Every day you stay is a day wasted unhappy, a day that a good guy, a right guy will not be met because you're still with this guy who you know is NOT right!  The sooner  you leave, the sooner you can get started with a new life, new happiness.  But you have to take that first step and get yourself out the door.  No change is possible until you take that first scary step.  You can do it.  Your life's happiness depends on it.  


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 8:53am

i am scared...i am insecure..i have low self esteem...all of these reasons have made it so difficult to walk away...Where do i find the strength? I have 3 great kids in their 20s. They live together on their own. I feel like i could still be with them or at least move closer...i moved to his world..an hr away from my kids. I still feel they need me. and i need them....I need strength...I feel im just going through the motions

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 11:53am

ddrs143 wrote:
<p>i am scared...i am insecure..i have low self esteem...all of these reasons have made it so difficult to walk away...Where do i find the strength? I have 3 great kids in their 20s. They live together on their own. I feel like i could still be with them or at least move closer...i moved to his world..an hr away from my kids. I still feel they need me. and i need them....I need strength...I feel im just going through the motions</p>

This all comes down to one question: do you like the person you've had to become in order to have this man in your life?

Walking away is the easy part... deciding to walk away is your problem because  then you'll have to examine and then fully own the true and honest reason why you have sold out and set yourself adrift in order to have this particular man.  Sometimes, confronting self-defeating justificaiton of behavior is what many people try to avoid at all costs. 

Being overwhelmed at the thought of starting over can mimic being scared, insecure having low self esteem.  It is a lot to uproot one's self and move--I've done it three times in my life so far, but until you sit down with paper and pen and make a plan, the thought of it will continue to overwhelm you.

My daughter has a saying "how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time". 

First, you  need to find employment where your kids are.

Then you have to secure housing.

then you whittle down your possessions to what you absolutely need.

then you tell him you're in the wind

then you call movers

then you move

then you have the life you want near your children.

One bite at a time will get it done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 1:39pm

Thank you for your responses…. Yes….one step at a time.

 

The job situation is ok, because I am 45 minutes to work whether I live near my kids or from where I am now.  I would need to find an apartment, but I know if anything I could stay with my kids until I find something.

 

The first step is telling him that I will be leaving.  We have had numerous arguments and I have told him that the relationship is not working for me.  Nothing has changed.  He tells me that I am living in a dream world….and am looking for a perfect man.  I know that nobody is perfect, but I’m looking for someone who is perfect for me. 

 

Don’t get me wrong, he is not a bad person.  He loves in his way…but it’s not how I want to be loved.  I need that affection, which I don’t get.  I want US to do things together….alone once in awhile.  Anytime marriage has been brought up, he says “fine let’s get married”…wow..now that’s romantic.. L

 

He says he is broke..has no money..but in the meantime, I’m giving him money every pay period, plus I pay for all the food.  He has no problems paying for anything as far as his kids go, and he has every right, but what about me?  What about my kids?  They are struggling.  They don’t even have a car…they are using mine and I carpool with a lady from work.

 

It’s getting to the point that I’m resenting his kids…and that’s not me.  I don’t want that to happen.  They are so fresh to him…and he thinks its funny.  I don’t like it.

 

So why am I staying?  I guess because I’ve vested 11 years with this man and think that things will change…but they never do.  We have had an on again off again relationship..and in between one of those times he married (his 2nd).  I think he has commitment issues and I think that his whole life is his children (to the point of obsession)...and he has no room for me..only when its convenient for him.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 4:06pm

Considering that you've been with this guy on & off for 11 years and things haven't changed, that's a pretty good sign that they will NEVER change.  There is no incentive for him to change becase you stay even though you don't like the situation.  that shows him that he doesn't have to change.  I read the book called Too Good to leave, Too Bad to Stay by Kirschenbaum--it was very interesting.  I thought about it when you said that you've already spent 11 yrs with him.  That's a reason that some people use not to leave relationships.  she compares it to waiting for a bus--suppose to you to a bus stop & you think the bus is going to come in 5 minutes, but 20 minutes later, the bus still hasn't come--most people will keep waiting for the bus instead of giving up because even if it takes longer & longer, they don't want to feel like they "wasted their time" by giving up before the bus comes.  But think about it this way--do you want to keep wasting more time in an unsatisfying relationship or get out and be happier?  I was waffling back & forth about divorcing my 2nd DH cause I didn't want to get a 2nd divorce, until my best friend was talking with me & said "is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life?" and after I thought about it, I knew I didn't want to.  

P.S.  The excuse for not marrying you that he doesn't have enough money is ridiculous, as you know.  You're already living together so if he wanted to get married, you could just go to city hall & get married--how much would that cost?  I don't think you're dreaming wanting to find a guy who expresses his love to you & seems happy to see you.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 8:55am

You're absolutely right.  I wait for different holidays thinking "this is the time he will ask me to marry him".  I say to myself that "once" we get married everything will be ok.......but it probably won't.  He controls everything we do, everywhere we go..even our meals (when his kids are around).  Once they leave, he doesn't care.  He tells me he would just have a bowl of popcorn...

He is also a hypocrite.  He pledges his christianity and posts bible sayings and songs on FB.  But then won't marry me and for that matter treats me like I don't exist. 

So I know what I have to do...but I definitely need strength.  How do I find that?  Where do I find that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 11:00am

Well you know that he will not change once you get married--this is who he is!  I'd say if you have to, find a therapist to help you get the strength to leave.  I'd also go back & reread what the previous poster wrote about doing things one step at a time.  You have adult children & I'm sure they will be happy to help you out, so start by telling them & maybe a good friend that you want to move & need some support.  You already have a job so that shouldn't be a problem.  You could start checking out apts. or if you don't want to move right away into being alone, then go move in with the kids for a while.  The hardest part will be telling him--it's not like he should really be that surprised if you've been complaining a lot over the years.  But have the plan in place first.  Maybe start packing your stuff up, but I'd say don't tell him until you're pretty much ready to move.  I told my ex that I wanted a divorce & he agreed to move out and even applied for an apt. but then unanticipated credit issues kept him living w/ me for a few more months.  That wasn't fun.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 1:52am

I completely agree with everything that's being said here.  You say he's not a horrible guy, ok, he's just not who you want and need.  I know hundreds of guys that are nice guys, but none of them are guys I'd want to be in a relationship with.  You know?  This is no different.  He says you're crazy (maybe not his words) for wanting more.  Settling for less than you want is never the right answer, and honey, you've been settling for the last 11 years. When the relationship is right it'll make you happy and satisfied 95% of the time - honest.  Problems and dissatisfaction will be nearly non-existant.  You're not wrong to want what you want, you're RIGHT to want what you want.  What's wrong is staying where you aren't happy. Like Music said, leaving isn't wasting the last 11 years, leaving is putting a stop to the waste!  I spent 17 years in a marriage that wasn't at all right or good.  I kept trying to make it better, but you know what?  First of all, if it had been right, I wouldn't have had to try (clue #1) and second of all, he was perfectly happy with things as they were.  Now, since he was the problem (to me, anyway) and he wasn't interested in changing, what possibly would have made me think that anything was ever going to be different?  Like you, I'd been in it long enough to be very clear that this is how it was, expecting  change wasn't reasonable.  When I finally left I looked back at the years I'd spent and felt sick about the waste. I should have been happy, satisfied.  Those are years I'll never get back.  Leaving put a stop to me wasting my life and onto a path that allowed for change and finding the kind of life and relationship that was right for me.  

How do you get your strength?  You stick around and post whenever you want/need to.  We'll help bolster you up.  My guess is what gets you is that sometimes it's good and those good times make those feelings of leaving dissolve, or at least lessen. They make you think maybe better times are ahead, they make you doubt your thoughts of leaving.  Am I right?  If so, I suggest making a list of how things aren't right, what you want/need that this relationship doesn't provide.  Write it in detail and add to it when you think of new things.  When you doubt your thinking about leaving, pull it out and read it.  It'll serve to remind you of the realities and lessen your doubt.  

Talk to your kids about the possibilty of staying with them for a short time if you need to.  That way, if the opportunity presents itself you can just up and go; you have a place to go and nothing to stop you from acting on your gut.

The book Music referred to is good, I've read it too.  As she said, it's called "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum.  Another very good book you might read is "Are You The One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis.  You'll likely find both books used on Ebay for a pretty low price, or perhaps at your library.  They're both very helpful and well worth the money.  


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_

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