Sour husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Sour husband
12
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 10:55pm

Help!!! My husband is a sour puss. Judgemental, and self righteous. He is either hot or cold there is never no in between for him, our relationship is either excellent or horrible. One incident has him saying he's tired of all the sh**. Something as simple as a comment that was meant to give him information on the nights events.

Now he is full of attitude and the kids are concerned that things are going bad. He does this often. I wonder if its because he feels that his man hood is compromised because I make more money. I often think that he emotionally abuses me. He is the only one who is allowed to justify his actions when no justification is good enough for any one else. If he dont understand it.... attitude, if he dont like it ..... attitude.

What gives? I need some advise on how to deal with this man or understawnd him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
In reply to: morticia2005
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 12:54am

Actually we have spent most of the day calmly discussing the issues. He is no longer at the point of total dismissal of seeking help for himself, just not altogether sure he is salvageable. I have assured him that he is and should give it a go.

Yes his fathers sounds as if he is going to committ suicide on Wednesday. We (myself, husband his sister and brothers) are planning an intervention and possibly admission to the hospital or other facility tomorrow afternoon. We are waiting for his brother to get in from California.

There are still plenty of issues to deal with, but we are to continue our discussion after we deal with his father, when he feels he will need support more than ever. His sister has suggested that the family get counseling as a whole and we branch for individual therapy after.

I feel we have made strides towards restoration, and in our discussions today I have in turn learned a few things that I can alter. I do lack understanding in alot of his issues due to frustration, as well as I lack consistency with his children for a lack of a better approach. We discussed the massages at night and the failure for me to feel any thing in return. I can attempt to understand him and he should (and will begin) to see, feel and understand how I feel. As well as he is aware that he has to give back in order to receive from this point forward, there can be no lopsided giving and getting.

I was really suprised when he called and asked me to go have a bite to eat during my break at work. So not like him. It was nothing fancy, but the thought made a statement, as well as was a neutral place to continue our conversation. He is bursting at the seams and appears to want to get this out in the open everything he is feeling. I am listening, as well as letting alot of what is bottled up within me out. I have been talking in "I feels" and in a calm and quiet voice. He has been talking in the best way he knows how, and I am not taking anything personal with the delivery of his words, but I have looked for his expressions and body language and I am listening to what he is saying. He has a fear of losing his father and he now has a fear that I will leave to (which is justifiable, as that is certainly not a closed issue if things do not change. I beleieve that he understands now that change must occur on both sides or this will just not survive.

Morticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: morticia2005
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 1:41am

Wow! What an incredible difference to have been made in just one day, huh? It sounds like he held it in as long as he could and came to the point that, as you said he simply could not hold it any longer, he would have "self destructed", "imploded" so to speak. Hopefully, he'll continue to recognize that the way he was dealing with the issues were not helpful to him or anyone else and he'll continue to work towards change.


I agree that dealing with his father is the first thing that needs to happen, it's urgent and critical. The plans that have been made sound very good, I'd urge he or one of his siblings call a suicide hotline (1-800-784-2433) and talk to them about what his father is saying. I had some suicide aftermath (helping people deal with the suicide of a loved one)/prevention training earlier this year. A common misconception is that you shouldn't talk to someone who's hinting at suicide about it for fear that if you say the word "suicide" or suggest it you might put the idea in their head and actually cause it. That's not true. If they're already thinking about it, saying the word will not cause them to do it, and if they're not thinking about it, you saying it, or asking if they're thinking about it won't make them consider it. They're either considering it or they're not, you won't have a negative effect by talking about it. But, you could have a positive effect by talking about it. It's important not to shy away from asking the hard questions: "Are you thinking about killing yourself?" "Are you thinking about ending your life?" If they answer yes, the next question is, "Do you have a plan?" People who have already figured out how they will do it are seriously contemplating it. That's not to say if someone doesn't have a plan you shouldn't take them serious, but those who do have a plan are at very high risk. If someone tells you they have a plan and you are not able to reach them physically (say you're on the phone with them and cannot get to them until the next day) ask them to promise you that they won't do anything until after you've seen them. For instance, "I can't be there until tomorrow. I want you to promise me you won't do anything before I see you tomorrow." For some reason, most suicidal people who agree to this will honor their agreement. Someone who's clearly suicidal (has a plan, voices intend to carry out the act, etc.) should not be left alone, period. It's appropriate to take them to the emergency room of your local hospital for admittance. I never used to think of emergency rooms for that purpose, but believe me, they are prepared for it, equipped for it and see it all the time. Know that everything I've said is subject to change. Every individual will act/react differently and there are no guarantees that anyone will follow what's typical. What I've said are meant to be guidelines to help you and hopefully offer you some suggestions to help you in situations you may not be sure how to deal with. You might want to post on the Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide board for their suggestions too. Best of luck in dealing with this. Elderly suicide is actually quite common, they're a high risk group. Funny though, you never hear about that, do you?


Back to the two of you, it sounds like you've made some incredible progress. It sounds like you're both handling it very well, continuing to be open and honest about everything is the right way to go, it doesn't allow things to be swept under the rug or avoided; if it's all out, it's all known and it's all recognized as a problem. If this behavior has only been in force ("only" being easier said if you're not living it!) for four months, it seems very likely that you'll be able to work through it and not be revisited by it again. It sounds like it wasn't his usual way of dealing with things, so the pattern isn't set as a way of life for him. I do think though that while everything looks very positive and very hopeful you're right to proceed with caution, keep yourself aware and prepared for a downslide to recur. He's put you through four months of hell, I'd still be on watch for a long while. After dealing with his father, I'd need to see some action taken on effectively dealing with the other issues that are present. But, it all sounds very, very positive and I'm hoping everything will come around to right (with some professional help, of course).


Keep me posted on how it's going, okay?







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