split personality

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
split personality
4
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 11:33am
I am new to this arena. i have never been to a message board or chat before and I would like some information or general concensus on the my issues. here goes.

My husband and I are on very rocky ground. We have admitted to each other the main reason we are still together is because of our son. He has admitted that to me and follows it up with he loves me too. However, I have lost the feelings for him I thought I had when we got together to begin with. Now after several years of rocks, I am understanding that he will not change his behavior, he has character defects that I am having trouble accepting. I can't seem to let go. I have good reasons to leave but why am I staying. I am very unhappliy married, happy personally, but why can't I let go. My husband will talk the talk but not walk the walk which infurates me but he still contends that he is trying. He knows how I feel about him, meaning I have admitted to him that I don't have loving feelings towards him anymore, but he doesn't do anything to win me back. I don't understand what he thinks he is holding on too. other than just seeing his son everyday. I have been divorced before and know what it entails and the flip side of the coin so to speak. I am not afraid of that. I actually would be better off. I really want to know if I can accept his passive relationship skills and still be fulfilled with this marriage. Deep down I say no, I would die inside. but I can't seem to let go. or what to do about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 1:20pm
wow, we are almost in identical situation. i know how you feel, and feel the same way. all i can say is this - why not try therapy? you never know if it will help, it could help, and if it doesn't help then you can still decide what to do in 6 months or a year from now. in any event, you will still have to co-parent your son, so you will have to learn to *live* with each other.

my husband and I are in therapy now, and it is very helpful. I don't believe that I will stay in the marriage, and i have been very upfront about this, but for as long as we are together, we are doing much better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 2:34pm
thank you for your response. I have tried therapy alone & as a couple. It seems that it goes in one ear and out the other. I am tired of having to do all the work. He says he understands where I am comming from and repeats what I say, so it seems as though he is at least listening but if he is listening and understanding why doesn't he do something about it? hello!! what does that mean? I feel like I am chasing my tail. same conversations same decisions to change but nothing is done. how does that make me feel? and he is worried about how what I am saying and doing is supposed to make him feel. like he isn't doing something right. duh!! and then its my fault. I'm sorry I am venting but I just don't know what to say to him. and then again I am beating a dead horse so why am I wasting my time when I can disolve the relationship and move on! Hello I am my own worst enemy! If I know I can't change the way he is then the two options are either just accept that this is the way he shows love meaning no news is good news. OR I need to stand my ground and say you can't give me what I need, now what? If I am so unhappy why can't I make such a simple decision?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 6:05am
well, in that case, you know what your options are - accept him *as is* or move on. obsessing about why he isn't this way or that way is not going to help you. I know how you feel , believe me, I also don't know what will be. right now we are working on living civilly for as long as we are together. sigh...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Sun, 05-11-2003 - 8:01pm
you are letting the past experiences you have had with other men jade you.if this man is worth having let your defenses down and tell him how you really feel. if he rejects you than screw him you are better off knowing now than making more of a fool of yourself