Is stability enough for a marriage?
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| Tue, 08-01-2006 - 12:55pm |
I posted about 2 weeks ago with my situation.
Is wanting out of a marriage because you are not "in love" wrong? My main issues is that I've felt like my husband has been my child for the last almost 9 years. I have constantly had to tell him what to do when it comes to the kids, and pretty much in general. He doesnt speak up for himself at work either. I have no attraction to him because of this, and sex has been forced with outside help for me (alcohol or dirty movies). I'm tired of this. Of either having to "tie a few on" in order to get in the mood or watch porn. We haven't kissed in years. I can't. It almost repulses me.
The counselor pointed out that its because I see him as almost one of my children, and that would be wrong to have sex w/ my child (thats just weird, but made sense).
But he is a good person. And I can be friendly with him as long as he doesnt want sex. He has a good work ethic. He wouldn't be where he is today if I and my father didn't push him though.
Should having a man with a stable job be enough?

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spinnergirl,
I have a few questions that I need answered before I can go on.
How was he when you were dating??
Defleppardgal
I'm not sure if it's that you see him as your child, I wonder if you think he'd be nothing without you, he's only gotten this far because of you, and you don't have any respect for the person he is on his own.
The first thing I'd do is stop telling him what to do all the time, especially with the children.
For those who aren't familiar, Spinnergirl's previous post can be found here:
New here....this is kinda long...
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
After reading your previous post - I'm wondering why you aren't divorcing him already?
How was he when you were dating?? We met online, chatted & talked on phone for about 3-4 months. Met online about August, he flew up to where I was to meet me late November, asked me to marry him in Dec. got married in March. I think I was so into getting married that I didnt really see how he was. And until your with someone on a daily basis, you dont really get to know them.
Did he act like a man?? Thats kinda hard to say because of what I said above. But when it came to speaking up for himself, I look back now and see he didnt. Mainly when it came to his mother.
Why did I marry him - I think I wanted to get married and have some stability that I had never had.
Has it ever occured to you that you only have to tell him what to do with the kids because you like to be in control and if left to his own devises he really wouldn't be a bad father or make stupid choices??
Yes - well....yes and no. I have gone out for a day and come back and they haven't eaten lunch, havent had naps, etc....yes they were safe, for the most part. Occassionally I'll hear how he went in the house, left my son outside (4) and my son got into trouble. My son requires alot of supervision, he can get into trouble in a closet. But otherwise he is a decent father. I never said he was a bad father.
Have you ever thought that the fact that you don't have much of a marriage is affecting him in ways that you don't understand which is feeding this child behaviour??
Yes....but this has affected me too. I have beem taking pity on the way he is all these years. I chalked it up to his childhood. I'm just tired of it. He's almost 31.
I do feel like this is my fault. He has been happy with the way things have been. I have stopped yelling, and I only ask him for help when I really need it. He said he rather I yell at him then treat him like this. Which I dont get, because I have treated him like a adult.
ok, gonna look at the other responses.
Thanks for the input.
"I'm not sure if it's that you see him as your child, I wonder if you think he'd be nothing without you, he's only gotten this far because of you, and you don't have any respect for the person he is on his own"
I dont think he'd be nothing with out me. Matter of fact, I think he could be much happier w/someone else who can love him for who he is.
I asked him, would he have gone farther in his career if I didnt push him, he said probably not. He was ok doing what he was doing. However, financially, with me being a stay at home mom, which we agreed on, we couldn't make it. And no, I guess I dont have any respect for him. He, to put, it nicely is a people pleaser...to a fault. I have had to put my foot down in some instances. His mother has a gambling problem, she would call all the time, tell him she owes him and to give her money. He owed her nothing. She was in and out of his life, pretty much did not raise him. She was hurting our marriage in a big way and I finally said I had enough. I blocked her calls. Eventually, he called her and it started all over again. This past winter I put a stop to it again.
He hasn't spoken up at work to take time off, when he gets plenty off paid leave, he doesnt take it. He rolls it over. He has sold some back in the past because he had so much. He likes that they see him there all the time. And I understand that to a point. But I've told him when he retires, whos going to be there - them or me?
He is in the military, I guess maybe that may shed light on some of this.
And that is one thing I am worried about, my kids seeing how I treat him, and how he reacts to me. Basically setting them up to treat there future spouse.
And its not that I dont want to try, but I dont want him to have to change who he is. No one should. But, if he could, I'm not sure if I could see him any other way. I've know this person for 9 years being how he is. And I have given him books, suggested mens confrences, seminars, and he hasn't done any of them.
I have my own issues, i have gone to therapy, gone on medication (mostly for PPD and once after a very stressful event followed by moving 2x's in 5 months). I have read books. I have gone to womens meetings. I have worked on myself. And I'm ok with who I am. I know there is always room for improvement. And I'm sure I will continue over my life to do so.
I suggest you read "Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum . You might be interested to know that this book was written by a therapist who was inspired to write it because her mother sat on the fence of deciding whether to leave her marriage or not the entire time the author was growing up. The experience was damaging and traumatic to the author (as it is to your children).
But, if your hedging is because you don't want to be the bad guy, as Firstamendment suggests, forego the book and take the step that you know is right. You don't need an excuse, you need to want to be happy and to live the kind of life you want to live.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 8/2/2006 9:09 pm ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
After reading this it seems clear to me that he doesn't fit your life plan. You have moved from wanting stability (the reason you married him) to wanting someone ambitious that can provide more for you and your child. So throw this one back and look for a bigger fish. You might or might not find what you think you want, but you will always resent him if you stay.
Everytime you try to fix him you send him a message that he is not good enough for you....which is apparently exactly how you feel. I am sure he will be relieved the day you file.
For the future recognize that the man wants to be your hero, to be loved for all of his good qualities and accepted for all his bad. Everytime you suggest something he could do better (of course rationalized to yourself as being good for the family or actually being supportive of him) you are slowly destroying that relationship. I am sure your women's groups, therapists, and self help books have all told you about that.
Good luck, P.
"Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum
But you know, I have to say, the title of your post is "Is stability enough for a marriage?" and frankly, there is nothing stable about your relationship, which is the very core, the very soul of your marriage. Without it you've got nothing but an empty shell and that's not worth fighting to stay in. Your kids deserve more than that too, unless of course, this is the relationship you'd like them to live as adults too.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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