standoffish

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2005
standoffish
7
Mon, 10-25-2010 - 9:30am

dh (we're not really married yet, but we've planned on it since i graduated high school) claims that i've been more standoffish lately. honestly, i haven't noticed. i know i get an agressive tone going on when i feel that he is being standoffish, but he claims that he had his "normal tone"

is now a good time to mention that i have a mild diagnoses of asperger's? i really suck at reading people's body language or tones, and i always say or do the wrong thing.

he's always asking me "what's the problem" but i never know. he doesn't take that for an answer, like everyone else he claims "you know, you're just playing stupid" and that really hurts. not only does it bother me that he's telling me what goes on in my head (what does he know anyway? HE doesn't have to live in here!) but he knows that my mother raised me on a diet of "Arica, you're an idiot. you have such a high IQ but you are SO STUPID!" so it really hurts my feelings when someone disses my intellect.

not to mention he gets grumpy if i don't let him have his way. (of course i do the same thing, so i guess we're even) he gets all huffy if i kick him away from my side of the bed and make him sleep on his side of the bed. (need i mention that i get cranky if anything wakes me up? and he does, sometimes when he touches me.)

then onto the mismatched libidos. i know it's the wrong board, but we're arguing all the time about that lately. i say "go" he says "no" but when he says "go" and i say "no" he throws a hissy fit claiming that he always gives into my demands and that he deserves the same respect. this is, usually, AFTER he reminds me that "it's up to you. its your body."

of course, this is the man who can outstubborn me. i really respect a person with at least a little bit of stubbornness, because it shows a strength of character i think.

but when we butt heads, we REALLY butt heads. take, for instnce, out "great adoption debate" i say "go" he says "NO!" we've got two entirely different opinions on it, and it's so interesting how two people with so many similarities can have such strong, but diverse opinions.

enter siggy here

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Mon, 10-25-2010 - 9:44am

If he is saying things that hurt your feelings, I think it's important to stand your ground and make it clear that is what is happening for you.

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-25-2010 - 10:35am

I don't know how long you have been in this relationship but since you are considering marriage, of course you should tell him if you have a diagnosis of Asperger's (I don't know what "mild" really refers to).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Mon, 10-25-2010 - 8:44pm

Hello:

It sounds like you both have some underlying issues...really sounds like you need to sit down and have a good talk.

I would tell him that he makes you feel definsive and that he hurts your feelings when he puts down your intellegence or your way of thinking.

Missy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Mon, 10-25-2010 - 8:46pm
Sorry, I meant how long have you been discussing marriage? And there is no way you should get married at this point...when you are not happy with each other.
Missy
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2010
Mon, 10-25-2010 - 10:25pm

I think most couples do go through these kind of "growing pains" especially when they're young. It really is a big hard job to adjust to thinking as "we" instead of "me," on both sides. Aspergers can most definitely complicate things! I would get a good book on it that you feel expresses it right or else a website or whatever, and ask him to read it. I think that he might need some extra assistance in order to "get" you. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 10-26-2010 - 12:13am

Hi Angel, quick question for you: when you say

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 10-26-2010 - 1:52am

Hi Angel_of_Satan ~

You definitely have some pretty big problems at hand!

I have a few questions that will help me understand a bit more about your situation and in turn will allow for more accurate thoughts and suggestions:

* You say you've been talking about marriage since graduating high school - how old are you guys?


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_