Starting a New Life

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Starting a New Life
14
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 1:04pm

I'm very new to all of this, so please pardon me if I'm a bit jumbled in relating what I'm trying to find out. Here's my story:

I have been involved in an 11 year relationship with an alcoholic, verbally abusive, very controlling and extremely unhappy woman. It didn't start out that way. In fact when we first got together, it was pretty good. I realized that this wasn't going to be my soul-mate, however after over 10 to 15 years of looking for a soul-mate and not finding one, I had given up on "true love" and decided to just settle with someone who was comfortable to be with. Years after we got together, she began to drink more and more, lost her job due to a layoff and refused to go back to work. She went through early menopause (she was 11 years older than myself) and lost her entire sex drive. Because she didn't believe in any effective medical professionals and didn't want to take any natural supplements to fix the sex problem, she effectively became celibate and decided that she just wanted to drink and watch TV. I tried for the last three years to discuss the multiple problems that were happening in our relationship, suggested counselling, pleaded, cajoled, bargained, discussed and generally tried everything I could think of to get her attention to see that there were major problems to deal with and that I didn't want to lose what we had. I was constantly put off, told she didn't want to talk about it, and basically she expected me to accept that and to be celibate like she was.

I couldn't do it. I never cheated on her, I was miserable living with her drinking and abuse and after three years of trying to fix it, I gave up. About a month ago, I announced to her that I was leaving and why. She was furious, tearful and flew into rages. She at one point agreed to go to a marriage counselor and then the next day, dismissed her offer as "well that was the alcohol talking" and if I wanted to go to a marriage counselor, she told me I could go by myself.

About a week later, while I was in the process of arranging for an apartment and to move out, she kicked in the bedroom door (we hadn't been sleeping in the same bed for three years) and she was drunk, furious and screaming. The next day I left the house and graciously accepted the hospitality of a generous friend who offered her furnished but vacant house as refuge until my apartment became available. She was in the process of getting ready to rent out her house to a friend later that month and I only needed her place for a couple of weeks, so things worked out perfectly.

To make a long story short, I moved all of my belongs to storage and now am finally in my new apartment and am enjoying a life without my ex. Now to the problem - I have met a new woman who is everything I have ever searched for in a soul mate. I never went looking for a soul mate, I simply went looking for a few female friends to casually date and get my life back together. I had accepted that at 44 years of age, I was not going to meet that "love of my life" and that the dream of that was a youthful pipe-dream, nothing more. In the process of casually dating, I met a woman who was incredible. She met every criteria I had ever had in mind for a soul-mate. She was loving, tender, intelligent, had a good job, sexy, sassy and fun to be with. She was raised with strong moral ethics, had worked hard to achieve her goals in life, has a positive outlook on people and a good self image. She is also fresh out of a divorce and she was quite taken with me too. We both have spent considerable time on the phone together (nine hours in one call alone!) and we have spent a couple of weekends together that were utterly spectacular.

I recognize that my behavior in my previous relationship was very co-dependant. I realize that I need time to heal from the abuse. But I am SOOOO happy with this new relationship and it is everything I had ever hoped for, yet my friends and hers are both cautioning us severely that this is too fast, too much and to back out of going any further together.

How do I resolve this?!?!? I have never experienced with any relationship of my life the closeness, tenderness and openness that I have had with this woman. She is every dream I have ever had all rolled into one, fantastic woman. She also feels incredibly attracted to me. I don't want to lose this but I also don't want to screw it up! What am I to do?!?!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 4:28pm

Don't rush it. Don't think marriage, etc. Just keep dating and being friends and get yourself into counseling. You don't stop being codependent just cuz your out of your past relationship. Get rid of your baggage with qualified help and hopefully when you're done, you and she will still be together.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 8:05pm

Wow, good for you! I love to hear stories of people who've broken out of terrible relationships and are finding a new lease on life.

Anyway, I'm going to throw caution to the wind and say "bollocks!" to all the advice givers.

I met my now DH when I'd been separated from my first husband for only two months. I broke every rule there was, including sleeping with him on the day we met and moving in together after only 5 months. Anyway, after nearly 14 years and two kids together, we're still blissfully happy.

I'll pretty much second what Jen said. Keep dating this new woman. But keep your counselling going too. Have fun, let your hair down and enjoy her company. Just don't commit to marriage or babies for at least a year or two.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 8:27pm

I'm just going to pop in here...


I know the original poster, he's a friend of mine, and he gave me permission to put in my 2 cents.

Photobucket
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 8:47pm

I think it's great that you are moving on with your life after being in a bad relationship for too long.

And it's great that you have met someone you really like.

BUT! It's just been a few weeks! Sure, the new woman *seems* like she's everything you want, but you don't really *know* her yet. The only way to truly know someone is to spend time with that person, OVER time (in other words, you can't compress 6 months worth of getting to know someone into a month or two simply by spending all your time with the person. It just doesn't work that way).

Both of you need time to heal from your previous relationships. So just slow down...don't make any major decisions having to do with your relationship until you've been dating for AT LEAST six months (and I mean in person dating, not phone/email dating--I can't tell if this is a LDR or not--if it's a LDR, then take at least a year before you decide anything).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 9:24pm

Hmmm....this puts a different perspective on things.

Let me reiterate: DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE OR BABIES WITHIN A YEAR OR TWO. Have fun but with her but you need to SLOW DOWN.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 11:12pm

**Have fun but with her but you need to SLOW DOWN


I think that's his problem -- he doesn't know how to slow down.






Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 11:21pm

Let me tell you a bit more about current relationship and it starting quickly.

At 3 months in, I felt that he was *perfect*. Because I felt he was perfect, I knew this meant I was still wearing my rose coloured glasses. So, I kept it slow because logic told me that I wasn't seeing the whole picture.

We didn't start to discuss marriage till we'd been together for 2 -3 years. While we both knew that we wanted kids, we didn't start to plan them until we'd been together for about 4 years.

See the difference? We had a great time together, but we didn't start PLANNING till we'd been together for quite some time.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 1:00am

Trying2baphoenix, it sounds like you married a woman who's a cross between my ex and my current husband's ex -- my condolences. I think I also have an understanding of the utter peace and blissfully wonderful experience that daily life is outside the hell of your previous life. Every little normal thing is a joy and a wonderful experience. Life is good, yes? In case you wondered (and even if you didn't), my screen name, 2nd_life was chosen because I felt (and feel) I've been given a second life, having left the alcoholism and abuse behind. Ahhh. Who knew life could be so good. Having lived with that really makes you appreciate life, doesn't it? I also realized that what I'd been doing was existing, not living. Living is what I began after I left. : )


I have been where you are now, dating, loving life, reveling in a new, healthy relationship. You say you don't want to screw it up. I suggest backing off a little. Living and breathing anyone is not a healthy thing. Time and space is important, a life of your own that doesn't involve her is important. Go do your own thing - and if you don't know what that is, figure it out by trying some things out! Lay off the phone, don't make her the focus of your life. That in itself is not healthy. You need to figure out who you are, time to heal, and you can't do those things while you focus on her and your relationship with her.


Immersing yourself in her indicates that she's filling a void, and that suggests the relationship isn't going to last, because the day will come that the void is filled and you won't have the need for what she supplied at the levels she supplied it. Thing is, she'll still be the same person, with the same "too much" levels. At that point you'll be looking for a more balance level and she won't have that. I did the same thing. I deeply wanted a guy who could talk to me, who I could disagree with and could carry out a discussion with. I so loved that I could do this with him (that wasn't the only thing I liked about him, but it was a major plus). Eventually, I was sick and tired of him having to debate every single thing with me. I couldn't disagree or have an opinion without it being turned into an hours long ordeal. I got what I wanted from him, got my fill then was not at all satisfied with the person as he was, which is the same guy he had been all along. He was exactly what I needed when I was empty, but he was waaay too much when my need had been replenished. That's what a rebound relationship is, and that's why they don't last. You probably don't see it, I didn't see it until after the fact either, but I'm betting there are some element there. And if all that's not true I say, you know what happens to relationships that live and breath each other? Burn out.


Something that's absolutely key to you getting healthy and having good, healthy relationships is getting yourself into counseling to deal with the effects of living in dysfunction, abuse and addiction has left you with. You've learned a lot of "wrong" lessons, and have a lot of "junk" (as I called it) that needs to be shaken out of your head. Therapy. If this relationship you're in happens to be a good, healthy one, you'll need to be healthy so you don't do what you're concerned about, screwing it up. Your past is affecting your actions, your behavior, your thinking to some degree and until you resolve that in therapy it's going to be "screwing up" your relationship. If you don't want to screw it up, then get yourself clean. Whether this relationship lasts or not, getting cleaned up in therapy will benefit the rest of your life. It did me.


Congrats on getting out of an awful situation. It makes me smile to think about, because I know how it is to come into the blue sky and fresh air. Now go get cleaned up so you're really who you ought to be.


One more note, just in case. I have to tell you that while I knew I needed to get the "junk" out, I really thought I was pretty okay, a very happy person. What I found out was that I had a lot more issues than I'd thought. I also found that while I thought my happiness level rated around an 8, after being in therapy a while, I found that my level of happiness was so incredibly much higher, that what I'd thought was an 8 was really more like a 4. You'll be amazed what therapy will do for you.


Best of luck, Trying2baphoenix ~








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 9:04am

Thank you for the advice. Yes, I'm trying to keep things as slow as possible and yet still enjoy the company of my new friend. Counselling is a definite thing and I think will help me reassemble my jumbled life back into a healthy me.

Again, thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 9:14am

You made me laugh with the "bollocks to the advice givers" comment. I do, however take their words seriously because it is advice given in a spirit of caring and I appreciate that they took the time to put their opinion out there. I am gathering all of the information I can and evaluating all of my feedback, both from my friends as well as the generous people here who take the time to respond. In the end, I still have my own decisions to make, but having more information is better than less.

Counselling is an absolute necessity to rebuilding my healthy responses and dismantling my codependent thoughts/actions/behaviors. Those elements were there long before my 11 year relationship and the abuse only entrenched them further. It will probably take quite awhile to chip away at them but I am committed to creating this new me one hammerstroke at a time.

I have no idea if my new friend and I will work out, but I hope so. And that's why I want to make sure that I am the best I can be too, both mentally and emotionally so if this is the one that is meant to be for me, I can do it right. Even if she and I don't work out, building a better me will benefit my own self as well as whoever I am meant to be with.

Thank you for your response and it's good to hear that sometimes things work out even outside the standard time tables that people advise. I wish you and your husband the best.

Pages