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| Sat, 08-12-2006 - 3:41pm |
My husband and I have been going through some problems (2 years in therapy). He has been very detached, and will often make inappropriate comments to me.
I have tried so hard to let things slide - especially since most (all) the comments are in front of our child. Most of the time, I'm walking-wounded. Mind you, sometimes, it's not what he says - it's how he says it. He's seems totally disgusted with me most of the time.
I finally sat down with him last week, and told him how I felt. (Usually these conversations end in 2 days of OK, and then we are back to the same routine.)
Well, today, he made another remark. I turned and said "It's always a pleasure spending time with you." It was in front of our child.
I'm feeling totally guilty... I don't want things to be this way. I don't want my child to see me constantly wounded, but I don't want him to see me criticize this dad. (I always feel I come off as the harsh one in the scenario.)
He didn't say a word after, but I could tell it stopped him in his tracks.
I know I can't make him be nice to me... Please help.

Grase, this is a horrible situation for you and your child to be in.
My gut feeling says you should get yourself and your child away from this toxic man. You're quite right about it being a terrible influence on your child. If your child is male, he'll copy his dad's behaviour in future relationships and if it's a girl, she'll learn to tolerate bad behaviour.
So, with all this in mind, I've got one big question for you: Why haven't you already left? Is there more we need to know?
What is up with the two years of therapy....has it helped or not? If not why do you think it has not? Has the therapist not helped problem solve these types of situations?
Might be time to give up or it mught just be time for a new therapist...two years is a long time IMO, to be at this point, unless this is a major improvement over where you were.
If you describe more about the specifics of the arguments, how they happen and who says what I might be able to offer some insight on what he is feeling if you are feeling you don't understand why he behaves the way he does during a disagreement.
P.
Your name is really familiar.... Have you posted on this board before?
Jen
Based on your previous post, posted 16 months ago (How to handle payback?), your husband has been treating you this way since April 2005. Based on what you're saying here, I suspect his treating you badly didn't exactly start with addressing the issues of his parents, did it? It may have gotten worse then, but I suspect he treated you badly before that too.
Whether it did or it didn't, you've been dealing with being treated like this for well over a year, at least 15 months too long in my estimation. Being treated with caustic comments, thinly veiled derogatory slams and insults isn't acceptable, whether it's done in your child's presence or not. No one should be treated that way, no one should allow themselves to be treated that way. Your child only makes putting a stop to this treatment more necessary (not that it wasn't necessary already); he's watching how daddy acts towards you, what daddy says to you, how daddy treats you and he's learning how to treat women in his own adult life. Your home is the classroom for how to be in an adult relationship for your son. He's learning daddy's words and his tone, spoken or unspoken, they're being rehearsed. He feels the disdain, the unhappiness, the tension. This is what a normal home is to him. This is how things are supposed to be. Not only will he begin to treat you the same as he gets older (usually around the age of 9 - 12), but he'll treat his wife the same as he's learned. It'll be all he knows of adult male behavior in a marriage. By accepting it, staying there, putting up with it, he's learning that you aren't worth more than this kind of treatment, and that will be applied to all women as well. Your very acceptance says it's appropriate and acceptable.
Grase, do you see how slanted this is? He treats you incredibly demeaningly for years and you accept it wordlessly. You say one sentence back and feel enormous guilt. What does that say about what you think of your own worth? It's okay to take it, to be treated this way, but it's awful if you do it yourself? Why are you worth so much less?
Sweetie, I would strongly urge you to take your child and get out. Once out I would urge you to get some therapy to deal with the abuse you've been dealing with for all this time; it's had a very obvious effect and you need to clear it out. What you're living with is wrong, Grase. Don't do this to your son or yourself.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"