To Stay, or Not to Stay
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To Stay, or Not to Stay
| Thu, 09-14-2006 - 4:03am |
I'm in a long-term relationship. It will be 6 years this December. For 4 of the years I was living with my boyfriend in his father's apartment, and for about the last year and a half we've been living in our own place.
I'm at the point where I'm unsure if I should break-up with him or not.
There are several issues that have been in the relationship since the beginning and some that have cropped up along the way. He always makes promises to change things and always says these are things HE wants to change too.
I go to school part-time and have several chronic illnesses and fatigue that keep me from working. My parents support me fully for school, my living expenses, and my medical bills. He just has to pay his half of our living expenses, nothing more...just the same as if we were both working. However he holds it against me that all I do is go to school and uses it as an excuse for not following through with his responsibilities and obligations (ie., his not following through on promises he makes)
He constantly has money troubles. Yet, he always seems to have enough money for cigarettes, pot or alcohol. Yet he never has enough to see the doctor when he is sick, or for his half of our grocery shopping...and especially not to ever get me flowers or anything. The truth is, I'd be happy with a bouquet of weeds and buttercups. I have only recieved flowers from him twice in the last 6 years. Never a note or romantic gesture.
Even though I have a lack of energy and should be focusing on my health, I am always having to help him deal with his money problems, as well as other things. He refuses to make important phone calls himself. He also is constantly pessimistic and complains about his money problems and acts as though it is not his fault, just the world out to get him. He admits to having depression since adolescence, and still having it, but refuses to seek therapy. His old excuse was no insurance, but he has been insured for 4 years and now uses the 15 dollar copay being unaffordable as the excuse.
Even though I am always tired and drained, I still make sure I clean, cook dinner, pay our bills, do the shopping. He is very physically and emotionally draining to me.
When I first met him, he had just took up smoking cigarettes at the age of 21. He said it was idiotic and was only smoking a couple a day at the time, and vowed that he was quitting soon. Six years later, and not even one serious attempt at quitting. Not even one day without a cigarette. And now he's up to a pack a day. The bad part is, I'm very sensitive to second-hand smoke. When I was younger and I would visit my grandparents who smoked, I would be sick to my stomach after about two hours, and within a day would develope a respiratory infection that would turn into either bronchitis or pneumonia. Now, he smokes right outside our apartment door, but the smoke always drifts in. Plus it's always in his hair and in his clothes. He also washes his clothes only about once every 4 months, so it's always around me, a permanent odor on his clothing. The worst is, I have a serious autoimmune condition that is known to be worsened by second-hand smoke, and he still won't make a serious attempt to quit.
He also is a high school dropout who keeps promising to go back and get his GED. Still no effort. I understand it's frightening and embarassing for him, but for the past 3 years our town has offered a diploma program based on work experiance. All he has to do is meet with a diploma counselor for several sessions to create a portfolio based on what he's done, and he will recieve a diploma. This is something that will take no more than 8 hours of his time, and he STILL hasn't done it. He goes over his friends house to play video games for at least two hours a day, yet he never has time to do the things he needs to be doing.
We are on complete different levels intellectually. I love reading, and he just wants to sit in front of the tv for hours. He never wants to have an interesting conversation with me.
Even though I love him, I feel like he relies on me like a mother figure and this is a huge turn-off for me. ALso we have severely mismatched libidos. I want sex almost every day and he'd be content with once a week. Also, I had been upset because of his lack of passion during sex, and unwillingness to experiment. We had been having sex 2-3 times a week, but I had gotten upset because I have felt for quite awhile that the only time he is passionate during sex or really into it, is when he's been drinking. I said I would no longer have sex with him if he was inebriated, and i've stuck to it. Now we only have sex once a week. He also smokes pot Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, about three times a day. For some people this may be fine. But he is very low-energy, lacks motivation and drive. The pot, i feel, just makes everything worse.
Also I feel like he isn't concerned about me or empathetic to my health problems. He is healthy all the time and doesn't appreciate that, or the pain I experiance.
I found out today that my condition may be showing kidney complications due to repeat findings of blood in my urine and that I needed to see a urologist right away. When I told him about this he didn't really say anything. He did not try to comfort me when I told him I was nervous and scared.
When it comes to doctor's appointments, or dentist appointments where I've needed anesthesia he is never the one to accompany me, especially if it is a "long-appointment" because he will get bored or could hang out with his friends instead. Instead I always have to rely on my parents. Even though they are more than happy to do it, I can't imagine if I ever just had him to rely on! He talks about marriage as if it's a given, and sometimes I'm afraid that he wants to stay with me because my parents are well off. My parents generosity has always benefited him, and he comes from a somewhat poorer upbringing. He's made jokes about me being his sugar-momma before, especially since he knows I will be making double his salary when I get out of school.
Recently I tried to bring up possibly breaking up, and his biggest protest was "I can't afford this apartment on my own if you move out."
We live in a building my father owns, and yet I would be the one to half to move out. Since my parents have a room I can use, and his father has no room for him.
This really bothered me that this was his main concern. Nothing about missing me, or working it out, or trying to improve. Just "I'm sure I'll be fine...I always am" referring to the fact that he's always the one to be dumped (by relationships that were less than a year long, one just 2 months) and "just don't date any of our friends" (gross!)
Yet, he says he wants this relationship to continue, and is very resistant to the idea of breaking up. Yet sometimes I feel it's because he benefits from it more than I do, and he's just trying to keep a good thing going.
I honestly know we both love each other and care about each other...but are we still in love with each other? He's not an abuser. He doesn't cheat (to my knowledge.) He can be very sweet, and is usally very affectionate. He really isn't a total jerk, and that's what makes this decision so hard. He's my first boyfriend and he took my virginity. Even harder. He is usually very laid-back (sometimes to laid-back)
I feel like my mental and more recently physical attraction to him is starting to slip away. If he was willing to work on our probelms it would be one thing, but it's just always defensivness and refusal or empty promises.
Is it time to give up?
It's hard to sum up 6 years and all the details of our relationship. All our friends think we're eventually going to get married and we are the pillar of the group almost. All these people were his friends first for the most part, all my high school friends had mostly moved right after high school around when I met him. They are my friends too at this point, male and female, and I'm afraid of what our break-up will do to our tight-knit group. I don't want to lose any friends because of this.
Am I avoiding breaking up for all the wrong reasons?
I do love him with my whole heart, and can't imagine life without him. Yet, I feel my romantic feelings for him slowly slipping away do to frustration, hurt, and dissapointment. I always thought we get married, have children, and grow old together, but I'm just not happy and he refuses to do anything about it. If this is who he is, I don't want to try to make him change...I know that is unfair and unlikely. Yet he can't tell me that...he says he doesn't know. Yet in the next breath he says he really does want to change. I just can't get a straight answer out of him.
The one thing I know for certain, If he came out to my honestly and said "This is who I am and I will probably never change" I would definately have to leave.
Yet his way to get me off his case throughout the whole relationship is "I won't always be like this" or "I will change eventually" or "be patient, i won't be like this when i'm older." How long should does he expect me to wait?
Thanks for reading this long post...I appreciate any comments and it felt good to vent it out.
-Kate
I'm at the point where I'm unsure if I should break-up with him or not.
There are several issues that have been in the relationship since the beginning and some that have cropped up along the way. He always makes promises to change things and always says these are things HE wants to change too.
I go to school part-time and have several chronic illnesses and fatigue that keep me from working. My parents support me fully for school, my living expenses, and my medical bills. He just has to pay his half of our living expenses, nothing more...just the same as if we were both working. However he holds it against me that all I do is go to school and uses it as an excuse for not following through with his responsibilities and obligations (ie., his not following through on promises he makes)
He constantly has money troubles. Yet, he always seems to have enough money for cigarettes, pot or alcohol. Yet he never has enough to see the doctor when he is sick, or for his half of our grocery shopping...and especially not to ever get me flowers or anything. The truth is, I'd be happy with a bouquet of weeds and buttercups. I have only recieved flowers from him twice in the last 6 years. Never a note or romantic gesture.
Even though I have a lack of energy and should be focusing on my health, I am always having to help him deal with his money problems, as well as other things. He refuses to make important phone calls himself. He also is constantly pessimistic and complains about his money problems and acts as though it is not his fault, just the world out to get him. He admits to having depression since adolescence, and still having it, but refuses to seek therapy. His old excuse was no insurance, but he has been insured for 4 years and now uses the 15 dollar copay being unaffordable as the excuse.
Even though I am always tired and drained, I still make sure I clean, cook dinner, pay our bills, do the shopping. He is very physically and emotionally draining to me.
When I first met him, he had just took up smoking cigarettes at the age of 21. He said it was idiotic and was only smoking a couple a day at the time, and vowed that he was quitting soon. Six years later, and not even one serious attempt at quitting. Not even one day without a cigarette. And now he's up to a pack a day. The bad part is, I'm very sensitive to second-hand smoke. When I was younger and I would visit my grandparents who smoked, I would be sick to my stomach after about two hours, and within a day would develope a respiratory infection that would turn into either bronchitis or pneumonia. Now, he smokes right outside our apartment door, but the smoke always drifts in. Plus it's always in his hair and in his clothes. He also washes his clothes only about once every 4 months, so it's always around me, a permanent odor on his clothing. The worst is, I have a serious autoimmune condition that is known to be worsened by second-hand smoke, and he still won't make a serious attempt to quit.
He also is a high school dropout who keeps promising to go back and get his GED. Still no effort. I understand it's frightening and embarassing for him, but for the past 3 years our town has offered a diploma program based on work experiance. All he has to do is meet with a diploma counselor for several sessions to create a portfolio based on what he's done, and he will recieve a diploma. This is something that will take no more than 8 hours of his time, and he STILL hasn't done it. He goes over his friends house to play video games for at least two hours a day, yet he never has time to do the things he needs to be doing.
We are on complete different levels intellectually. I love reading, and he just wants to sit in front of the tv for hours. He never wants to have an interesting conversation with me.
Even though I love him, I feel like he relies on me like a mother figure and this is a huge turn-off for me. ALso we have severely mismatched libidos. I want sex almost every day and he'd be content with once a week. Also, I had been upset because of his lack of passion during sex, and unwillingness to experiment. We had been having sex 2-3 times a week, but I had gotten upset because I have felt for quite awhile that the only time he is passionate during sex or really into it, is when he's been drinking. I said I would no longer have sex with him if he was inebriated, and i've stuck to it. Now we only have sex once a week. He also smokes pot Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, about three times a day. For some people this may be fine. But he is very low-energy, lacks motivation and drive. The pot, i feel, just makes everything worse.
Also I feel like he isn't concerned about me or empathetic to my health problems. He is healthy all the time and doesn't appreciate that, or the pain I experiance.
I found out today that my condition may be showing kidney complications due to repeat findings of blood in my urine and that I needed to see a urologist right away. When I told him about this he didn't really say anything. He did not try to comfort me when I told him I was nervous and scared.
When it comes to doctor's appointments, or dentist appointments where I've needed anesthesia he is never the one to accompany me, especially if it is a "long-appointment" because he will get bored or could hang out with his friends instead. Instead I always have to rely on my parents. Even though they are more than happy to do it, I can't imagine if I ever just had him to rely on! He talks about marriage as if it's a given, and sometimes I'm afraid that he wants to stay with me because my parents are well off. My parents generosity has always benefited him, and he comes from a somewhat poorer upbringing. He's made jokes about me being his sugar-momma before, especially since he knows I will be making double his salary when I get out of school.
Recently I tried to bring up possibly breaking up, and his biggest protest was "I can't afford this apartment on my own if you move out."
We live in a building my father owns, and yet I would be the one to half to move out. Since my parents have a room I can use, and his father has no room for him.
This really bothered me that this was his main concern. Nothing about missing me, or working it out, or trying to improve. Just "I'm sure I'll be fine...I always am" referring to the fact that he's always the one to be dumped (by relationships that were less than a year long, one just 2 months) and "just don't date any of our friends" (gross!)
Yet, he says he wants this relationship to continue, and is very resistant to the idea of breaking up. Yet sometimes I feel it's because he benefits from it more than I do, and he's just trying to keep a good thing going.
I honestly know we both love each other and care about each other...but are we still in love with each other? He's not an abuser. He doesn't cheat (to my knowledge.) He can be very sweet, and is usally very affectionate. He really isn't a total jerk, and that's what makes this decision so hard. He's my first boyfriend and he took my virginity. Even harder. He is usually very laid-back (sometimes to laid-back)
I feel like my mental and more recently physical attraction to him is starting to slip away. If he was willing to work on our probelms it would be one thing, but it's just always defensivness and refusal or empty promises.
Is it time to give up?
It's hard to sum up 6 years and all the details of our relationship. All our friends think we're eventually going to get married and we are the pillar of the group almost. All these people were his friends first for the most part, all my high school friends had mostly moved right after high school around when I met him. They are my friends too at this point, male and female, and I'm afraid of what our break-up will do to our tight-knit group. I don't want to lose any friends because of this.
Am I avoiding breaking up for all the wrong reasons?
I do love him with my whole heart, and can't imagine life without him. Yet, I feel my romantic feelings for him slowly slipping away do to frustration, hurt, and dissapointment. I always thought we get married, have children, and grow old together, but I'm just not happy and he refuses to do anything about it. If this is who he is, I don't want to try to make him change...I know that is unfair and unlikely. Yet he can't tell me that...he says he doesn't know. Yet in the next breath he says he really does want to change. I just can't get a straight answer out of him.
The one thing I know for certain, If he came out to my honestly and said "This is who I am and I will probably never change" I would definately have to leave.
Yet his way to get me off his case throughout the whole relationship is "I won't always be like this" or "I will change eventually" or "be patient, i won't be like this when i'm older." How long should does he expect me to wait?
Thanks for reading this long post...I appreciate any comments and it felt good to vent it out.
-Kate

Kate,
I'm glad it felt good to get that all out. :)
He IS telling you who he is. He's been this way for AT LEAST 4 years, possibly the whole 6 you've been together. That IS who he is. He isn't going to change because he doesn't need to. He's got it made. He's got you and your parents taking care of him and he can play all he wants. WHY would any sane person want to change and have MORE responsibility if they can get away with playing.... I know if I could chose a life of play versus work, I would want to play...
And even if you break up and he agrees to "change", you need to give him at least a year on his own, paying his own way, taking care of his own responsibilities... to make sure it's not just an effort to get you back and go back the way it was. Because he WILL go back to the way it is if you let him. Stop enabling him. And stop throwing away your life on someone who only wants you because of what you can give him.
Jen
Wow. I think maybe you should go back and reread your post. Honestly, if one of my sisters or friends was involved with someone like this I would tell them to get out of the relationship immediately. What is really in this relationship for you? He does not seem to show a lot of concern for you, he does not provide anything for you financially or emotionally. How would he act as a father? When will it finally be time to grow up?
I think this guy has A LOT of maturing to do before he will be ready for a real relationship. I also think that you can do much better, and you deserve better.
That's just my two cents.
I agree with Jen
Actions speak louder than words. And while his words say that he intends changing, his actions don't back it up. Hon, he's had 4-6 YEARS to get his act together and hasn't done so....I'm thinking he never will.
Kate,
I agree with the other posters that you deserve more than this. I also agree with Jen that even if he agrees to change he should show you with his actions, with at least a year on his own showing you that he is responsible. My DH has changed so much since we met. I guess it's kind of the gossip around town, how big a change he's made since we've been together. I sure hope he never hears that. The thing is that he's done it because he wanted to, the changes were ones he wanted to make in himself and he did. I didn't ask him to, and he didn't tell me over and over that he wanted to change. He just did. It's time for your SO to stop talking about it and do it, or possibly time for you to consdier a change.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"