stay together or breakup?need advice NOW

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
stay together or breakup?need advice NOW
7
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 2:02pm
I have been dating this amazing guy for about six months now, and the longer we are together, the more I realize we do not have much in common. He has many wonderful qualities, but there are some core values that we are very different about. His good qualities are the fact that he is very attentive to my needs, goes out of his way for me, and is trustworthy. Also an amazing cook. But the qualities I have issues are this.. to start, he is an aethiest, and I am very spiritual. Im not religious, but who I am revolves around my belief in God. I never make this an issue, but it is something very deep, and saddening to me. Im also very laid back, and easy going, where he is uptight, and sensitive. He takes things I say the wrong way, and has a temper. We listen to completely different music, and hang out with different types of friends. I love to go listen to a great live band (rock), and he is into going to clubs, and listening to rap. This may not sound like a big issue, but at our age (25), and time in our life, it is a black cloud that always comes to bother us. His friends are very high maintance "metros", and Im more of an outdoorsy hippie. They are all very nice, but overall, theres not much in common. However, one of his friends is alot like me, and I find myself thinking about him. I sometimes wonder if the two of us (his friend and me) might be better suited for each other. I broke up with my current b/f about a month ago because of our differences, but two days later both of our friends suggested we give it another shot, so we did. But now its just not quite the same... Im not sure if we should continue, or just let it rest. Any suggestions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 2:08pm

You know the answer to the question you're asking but your hoping that someone here will validate what you're feeling.


Relationships should not be a constant struggle.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 3:02pm
Trying to force a relationship with someone who doesn't share your core values -- particularly fundamental beliefs like religion -- just doesn't work.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 3:10pm
Thank you, I appreciate it. I guess Im having a hard time saying goodbye because he does have great qualities too like being trustworthy, and considerate. Breaking up is hard to do when its not something catastrophic, but more just telling someone that we are different. Our friends say that you work through the hard times to make them work..., I just dont know if the good out weighs the bad....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 3:14pm

I have to agree with the other posters on this one. While some level of differences will always occur in any relationship, the two of you seem to be polar opposites in nearly every way. Aside from the religious difference, what struck me was your comment about his sensitivity and tendency to take what you say the wrong way. I was in a 4 year relationship with someone like that, and his constant misunderstanding of my comments and the resulting screaming accusations (on his part) were eventually too much to take. Ultimately, it destroyed my feelings for him and I had to cut him out of my life completely.

The bottom line is this: if you cannot talk easily with him about your differences and feel comfortable about those differences, then this relationship will be very hard to sustain.

DM2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 5:36pm

"Our friends say that you work through the hard times to make them work..."

Your friends are not in this relationship. If they want to keep him around, let them date him, while you look for someone more compatible. If you feel things are wrong, they're wrong, and no amount of work will make them right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 10:31pm

I agree 100% with everything that's been said here, from lack of compatibility in morals and values (which are essential in building a relationship on), to getting back together based on the suggestions of friends and everything in between.

It's not like he's the only guy you'll find who's a great cook, is trustworthy and goes out of his way for you. There are plenty of others who not only have those qualities, but who also share your core values with and are compatible in the other areas he isn't. He may seem close to what you want, but he's no where's near close enough. Set the bar at your standards and don't settle for less. Nothing less is good enough -- and no, it's not expecting too much.

~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown





Edited 7/6/2006 1:47 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 1:22pm

erinwhitney,

Music and friends are something that two people can work through. My DH and I have very different tastes in music. We compromise and each is willing to deal with the other's taste. I agree with the response to not go by what your friends are telling you. They aren't "in" this relationship and it's very easy for them to have an opinion they know nothing about.

Religon however is another and it's something that I don't think is a workable issue. Assuming that you two get married, your ideas of a wedding will certainly be different, if you do get past that, which is doubtful unless you are willing to give in and not get what you want to make him happy, which I'm sorry but is not a way to live.

If the wedding isn't having children is going to be the straw that breaks the camels back. He's going to want his kids to grow up believing what he believes and I'm sure that you would want them to believe what you do. I'm sorry but to me, religon is one of those "catastrophic" things that would be a deal breaker. I know it certainly broke up my first marriage.

Best of luck,
Defleppardgal

Defleppardgal