Still not married after 10 yrs, anger issues!! Help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Still not married after 10 yrs, anger issues!! Help?
45
Wed, 12-15-2010 - 10:18pm

Thanks for listening. Have been with my SO for 10 yrs, living together for 8. I am 45, female, divorced, no kids, he is 54, never married, no kids. I have made it clear from the beginning that at some point I wanted to be married again. He has never said "never" but he will not commit either. I

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Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

Jezibelle, are you the same Jezibelle that posted on the board way back like ten years ago?


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007

Yes, in hindsight you probably would have made a different choice, but what to do about it now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998

Yes, I am one and the same Jezi. Took a long hiatus from here for a lot of reasons, main one being I was spending way too much time in front of the computer, lol. Felt I was doing OK there for a number of years but lately things seem to be going downhill again.

Thank you for your reply and your insights. I have a lot to think about and it will take time. To answer your questions yes I feel really bad about the years I have wasted waiting for my "dream to come true." (sound ridiculous but I guess I have to be honest that that is what I've been doing.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998

Thank you for your reply, and the suggestion of the book. I have been thinking a book would be a great help but didn't know what to look for.

I know that if we got married tomorrow it would not solve all the problems, I think there's too much angry water under the bridge for that at this particular instant. I guess I just foolishly hope that we will find a way to work on our problems and things will change and we will get along better and finally be able to make that commitment. I suppose I'm being naive still, after all these years.

There have been times over the years that yes, I felt secure and content and thought, "oh well it's not that big a deal, it's just a piece of paper" and thought yes, I could live together with him without ever getting married. We HAVE had wonderful times in the past. But those times have been fewer and farther between as we get older and older and I feel less and less secure. He has no will, and I live in his house with all my things. We are not in a common- law state so if he were to drop dead tomorrow I would be turned out on the street with no where to go and wouldn't even be able to claim my things, legally. This has happened legally to several unmarried, cohabitating women

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I was wondering why it was so important for you to get married & now I can see your point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

I understand you don't want to leave, but your reasons for staying are:

-Leaving is difficult

-Starting over is daunting

-You're looking back on a 10-year investment

-You're good friends

And reasons for leaving are:

-You haven't gotten what you want for ten years

-You're angry all the time and have been for years

-Your sex life is in the toilet

-You fight a lot

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
>>Whenever you feel yourself getting mad at HIM for you not getting what YOU want, turn the problem around on yourself and ask what YOU can do to get what you want. You can't make him do, think or feel what you want, but you can always, always, always put the onus on yourself to make the best choice for YOU in light of the circumstances you are in. It'll be harder to be angry at him when you are focusing on your choices, decisions, wants and desires. Also the strength to get over the anger or the strength to leave can be found inside you, if you are looking to yourself for the answers and solutions to your own inner struggles.<<

Wow, I LOVE this paragraph.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998

Oh no, no pressure or guilt here. I appreciate your, and everyone's, responses. I have a lot to think about. Of course, I guess I have to admit that nothing anyone has said here has really been a surprise, just repeating things I've already thought about myself. But seeing it written down and from other people besides myself makes it clearer, KWIM? I need to print it all out and read it thoroughly and digest it.

Of course everything is more complicated than it looks on paper. On paper he really looks like an a$$ and I can see why people would wonder "why would you stay with a guy like that."

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