ok, so this sounds so familiar... So I have a hubby who has stopped helping with chores for about 1.5 years now, we have been married for 11 and he was always very helpful. Just this past weekend out of frustration and exhaustion I broke down. I was in the middle of ironing kids clothes for the week, this was Sunday, I turned around and told him (through tears) that I am sooo tired and need help from him. We were on this topic for about 2 hours and this time I didnt get angry when taking to him but told him that he has to start helping with something around the house. I work full time too so feel that these chores should be shared equally. He was angry and yes I did go to bed that night not very happy but it is now Thursday and I have had so much more help than I have had in the last year and half. And yes I did go on strike but didnt last long cuz I couldnt stand the mess.. ;(
well cl-2nd_life, heres some info bout my life ectect.I am 30 yrs old my live in boyfriend is 39 yrs old.We been together for 3 years w/no major problems (infidelaty,domestic violence,abuse ect.)Neither of us have any kids but he has a huge family so I've like inherited like onestly...30 nieces and nephews.we live with his family so theres his sister(43yrs old),his nephew(13),his niece(25),her son(6)his grandma(82),his mom(70)and is dad(75)so it is a packed house.We live in the mother-in-law house/cottage on the property.So we have the most freedom and space.We live in San Jose (Silicone Valley,Bay Area)California.We both were born & raised here.My boyfriend has a excellent job at a BIG newspaper.I am not working currently because im recovering from a health issue(cancer)which is what forced me from work.I used to do retail management at a big linen store in the mall.I am also a recovering drug addict and have been clean and sober for 5 years(7 months and 22 days).My boyfriend & I do plan on getting married but no date has been set.My boyfriends Little brother(34yrs old)has a plethora of issues(including addiction)so his 4 yr old son and his 6 yr old daughter spend like 90% of their time here with us.I play like a mom-stand-in to them a lot.They are my world,Im so proud of them considering the life they've been living. well thats bout it.Is there anything else?
I think you're saying that you get no help from your boyfriend and the various children that are in and out of the house but don't actually live there. The situation with your boyfriend may need to be addressed by someone else, but as far as the children are concerned, you need to establish House Rules. They aren't your rules, or your boyfriend's rules--they're just the rules of the house: feet go on the floor, not on the furniture; if you use it, you put it away; people who ate but didn't cook will clear the table and do the dishes; get your stuff off the floor before bedtime--things like that. Write down the rules (maximum of five) you want to enforce on a piece of posterboard, and number them. Post them on the refrigerator. When someone transgresses, you don't have to nag, just say, "Oops! House Rule number four!" or whichever one it is. If you REALLY want their cooperation, brainstorm with all of them to figure out the five most important rules to keep the house operating smoothly.
They aren't really dumb, lazy, or malicious. It's just that you've been treating them like guests instead of like kids. They can learn to help you if you'll just give them some direction.
Wow, that's a lot of history (and a lot of people)! Congrats on your years of sobriety, getting clean and staying clean is a huge accomplishment. I'm sorry about your illness and am glad you're on the road to recovery (yes?)
The history I was looking for, though, was about your living situation. You mentioned getting no help from your "family", which indicated there were more people involved than your boyfriend. I didn't know whether or not you were living with him, whether the problems you were talking about were with your kids alone, whether he lived with you and kids, etc. So now I understand that the problem and the help you don't get is from him alone, right? Or is part of this his family too? It's also pretty important to know the specifics about the household chores issues, what your agreement is as well as what actually happens, how the issue has been dealt with in the past, etc. Has he agreed to do half of everything and does nothing? Does he have assigned chores, do a few but ignore the rest? Does he promise to do his share but never follow through, or only follow through as long as you're on him about it? An explanation of what's going on in the area of housework is to give us a clear understanding of what's happening so we can know what to offer you in the way of suggestions and support. Explain it as if you were complaining to a friend who didn't know anything about it yet.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want." ~ Author unknown
Depends, who would get frustrated with the mess first?
Jen
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Question:
well thats bout it.Is there anything else?
I think you're saying that you get no help from your boyfriend and the various children that are in and out of the house but don't actually live there. The situation with your boyfriend may need to be addressed by someone else, but as far as the children are concerned, you need to establish House Rules. They aren't your rules, or your boyfriend's rules--they're just the rules of the house: feet go on the floor, not on the furniture; if you use it, you put it away; people who ate but didn't cook will clear the table and do the dishes; get your stuff off the floor before bedtime--things like that. Write down the rules (maximum of five) you want to enforce on a piece of posterboard, and number them. Post them on the refrigerator. When someone transgresses, you don't have to nag, just say, "Oops! House Rule number four!" or whichever one it is. If you REALLY want their cooperation, brainstorm with all of them to figure out the five most important rules to keep the house operating smoothly.
They aren't really dumb, lazy, or malicious. It's just that you've been treating them like guests instead of like kids. They can learn to help you if you'll just give them some direction.
Wow, that's a lot of history (and a lot of people)! Congrats on your years of sobriety, getting clean and staying clean is a huge accomplishment. I'm sorry about your illness and am glad you're on the road to recovery (yes?)
The history I was looking for, though, was about your living situation. You mentioned getting no help from your "family", which indicated there were more people involved than your boyfriend. I didn't know whether or not you were living with him, whether the problems you were talking about were with your kids alone, whether he lived with you and kids, etc. So now I understand that the problem and the help you don't get is from him alone, right? Or is part of this his family too? It's also pretty important to know the specifics about the household chores issues, what your agreement is as well as what actually happens, how the issue has been dealt with in the past, etc. Has he agreed to do half of everything and does nothing? Does he have assigned chores, do a few but ignore the rest? Does he promise to do his share but never follow through, or only follow through as long as you're on him about it? An explanation of what's going on in the area of housework is to give us a clear understanding of what's happening so we can know what to offer you in the way of suggestions and support. Explain it as if you were complaining to a friend who didn't know anything about it yet.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"