Strip Club Disaster!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2010
Strip Club Disaster!
18
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 3:14pm

My boyfriend and I have been dating for eight years. We live together and love each other very much. He makes me so happy and is basically everything I want in a boyfriend.

However he recently went to a strip club for the first time with his friends for a bachelor party. I didnt really think it was a big deal but I was a little bit grossed out he was going but didnt want him to miss out in supporting his friend and being there for the party. So he went. Ever since he went I have been feeling very grossed out about the whole situation and he told me everything that happened and was being very truthful which is wonderful but i really became sickened with everything that happened to him.

Now it has made me feel like I have been cheated on almost, although I know it was not directly cheating he had another naked person on him and touching him which just grosses me out and makes me very upset. I feel like this has taken away from our intimacy and connection.

My problem is that I told him how I felt and he basically told me I was completely over reacting and he doesnt see anything wrong in it. I told him I didnt want him to go ever again because I really never wanted to feel the way I felt for the past three days and he flipped out on me. I am not so sure what to do now because I am now worried about him going again and feeling like this all over again! I told him I wish he could respect my feelings and understand where I am coming from I tried to get him to see it from my shoes but I feel like he just doesnt get it. I don’t want to be this type of girlfriend, I hate acting like this because I am never really like this and be telling him what he can or cannot do, but this is really killing me. Any suggestions?!



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 3:33pm

So I assume that instead of just looking, he got a lap dance as well?

My boyfriend of almost 7 years had something similar happen at his brother's bachelor party. I wouldn't have minded if it were just a strip club, but I learned a year later, it was also a lap dance. I consider that cheating, and I needed him to promise me it wasn't going to happen again. I guess he felt ashamed about it (ugh) and didn't have a problem making that promise, but still, it really does hurt the image you have in your head of a person who is usually respectful and wonderful.

There is only one kind of rule that you can enforce in a relationship... The rule that, if broken, will cause you to leave without any further discussion.

If you say "you can never go to a strip club again" then he will have to opt out of any bachelor party in the future. Would you be okay with lifting your restriction if he were to promise that he wouldn't touch anyone else?

He'll never be in your shoes, unfortunately. And I don't think you're unreasonable for feeling grossed out and violated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 3:57pm

An acquaintance of mine took her BF to a strip club for his BD and bought him a lap dance, so I guess everyone has their own thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 4:45pm

Cjacks22, the positive here is that he's being honest with you about how he feels.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 5:43pm

As a guy, I would not want my girlfriend to tell me what I can or cannot do in this area.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 3:05am

I don't think you have the right to tell him not to go to strip clubs.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 10:33am

I agree with you, and I am responding to say that I used to hate porn but I've come to live with it because I just don't want to have it in my face. Does it happen in my relationship? Who knows. Probably. I don't think about it. I realize it never feels satisfying to give up a battle like this, but the alternative is to either a) have unrealistic expectations from the man in your life that breeds resent, or b) live in delusion and ask him to accommodate it by lying

Asking a man to, essentially, stop engaging in ANY behavior where his attention is on another female is alike to a man asking one of us to stop posting on a messageboard. It seems like an absurd request, and we don't feel like we're doing anything wrong.

I do have to draw a line at lap dances though... I don't think it's a lot to expect a man to not touch other women. But the OP hasn't clarified here specifically.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 10-14-2011 - 1:21am

I thnk the "don't ask, don't tell" method works well for some, but for those whose morals can't accept it being in the lives of their partners it won't be enough.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 10-18-2011 - 12:18am

If this is the first time he went and you think he did it to be "one of the guys" that's different than him going regularly. You can't demand he never goes again because a man will do what he wants to do and see such a demand as controlling. And the one thing a man can't stand is being controlled by anyone. You need to let him know your feelings on the issue and talk about it. If he continues to go and you can't accept it then you probably need to find a new BF that has no interests in going to strip clubs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Tue, 10-18-2011 - 9:49am

cjacks22-

Hi. I can understand you feeling betrayed here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2011
Wed, 10-19-2011 - 7:29pm
I see exactly where your coming from. maybe put it into perspective by saying how would you like some guy coming up to me and starting grabbing me and stuff, because i'm sure he wouldn't like that.

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