stubborn BF won't shower at night

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
stubborn BF won't shower at night
40
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 11:24am

I'm having a huge problem at home. It's summer and my bf rides his bike to and from work. He's really sweaty when he comes home from work. He removes his sweaty clothes and lets him self dry from the ride home. I've asked him to shower before he comes to bed, but he refuses or the lies and tells me he rinsed off before he comes to bed. When he initially refused my request to shower I was almost speechless. He will shower in the mornings though.

I've relocated to our spare bedroom to sleep. I don't want to sleep next to someone who won't shower after being drenched in sweat and I don't care if it's dryed. He's still sticky and the sweat becomes funky. And it's also a matter of respect. It's the least you can do for the person you are sleeping inches from.

I've been in a relationship with this person for sometime and I think I ask little of this person. I think I'm pretty reasonable, actually. I"m not highly demanding, so when I ask for something I really want it to happen. This stubborness he's displaying is really turning me off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 12:35am
Did you ask him why he fought against showering? If so, what did he say? If not, why not? What other power struggles do you have?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 5:06pm

We have stuggles about communication. I have a problem with voice projection. I speak in low tone and often he has to ask me to speak up. This issue is actually tearing us apart. We're different people. I work in a quiet office and grew up an only child. He's in a loud workign environment and is one of 3 kids. We communicate in different ways and over the last year or so he's showing his dissatisfaction more and more - like he did yesterday. No doubt the shower issue was tied to that or so he thinks.

I'm wondering if he ever did become "satisfied" with me would he actually be happy? He said before he's known for sabotaging relationships. I'll have to ask him tonight if he can remember that. I'll also ask him if he would rather be "right" or be happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 12:07am
"I'm wondering if he ever did become "satisfied" with me would he actually be happy?" That statement sounds like he's never been completely happy or satisfied with you the way you are, is that right? Has there always been something that you need to change or do differently to meet his standards?


You're absolutely right about wanting to be right vs. being happy. It shouldn't be about proving yourself right, it should be about looking for a compromise, a way that both can win. If you're looking to be right, you're not heading in the right direction.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 4:41pm
That's the thing. We're always "working" on something and I always feel like it's me who's working. Whether it's being more assertive, spontaneous, talkative, making more friends etc... Those are HARD personality changes to make and I've made a lot of progress. I've got the shrink bills to prove it. I am glad for it for my own sake, but much of it was at his prompting. So, when I ask for a 5 min. rinse off before bed I don't think it's asking too much, considering.....you know?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 11:59pm
The_Chi, the more you post the more red flags I see in this relationship.


It doesn't sound like the two of you are working on anything, it sounds like there are things about you that aren't acceptable to him or aren't "right" for him and it sounds like you're turning yourself inside out to make the changes he thinks you need to make, is that right? The thing is, you don't change your personality, not unless the things you're changing are things you don't like about yourself - unless they're things you'd be working to change whether you were with him or not, and I'm guessing the things you're changing aren't things you have a problem with. In fact, not having the traits you mention the things you mention needing to be more of (assertive, spontaneous, talkative, making more friends) isn't a bad thing, it's just who you are, lots of people are exactly like that, not assertive, not spontaneous, not talkative, not avid friend-makers, and there's nothing wrong with them, just like there's nothing wrong with you. Everybody's personality is different, his is different than yours; yours is no more wrong than his is; they're just different.


Chi, a relationship that's right is one where each partner needs to make no changes to be "right" for the other; when changes have to be made to make it work or make it right or acceptable, it means the relationship is not right, period.


Chi, the more you post, the more concerned I get.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 5:33pm
The thing is that there is work being done. He cannot appreciate any of it because he's let his anger get the best of him over a single issue. And I am finding it unbearable to be in front of that anger all the time. I don't believe he understands that we are all responsible for our emotions - anger included. If he doesen't want to feel angry all the time, as he said, he needs to seek help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 10:24pm
Who is doing this work, Chi? Him? You? Both of you? What work is he doing to better your relationship?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 10:42am
I do. His arguement to that is that I dont ask for what I want. That's not true. And I don't understand how he feels so defensive. I may react to things he says, but I do not critize him or yell or show a lot of anger. I just ask questiions and sometimes will withdraw a bit. He isn't a big question asker and that's hard to deal with. It's like he's "over" having to ask questions of me or other people.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 12:24am
He's not taking ownership or responsibility for his part of the relationship. He makes it all your fault and demands that you change.


Is this the kind of relationship you want? Is this the way someone who cares about you is supposed to treat you?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 12:30am
Some of you may be scratching your heads, wondering if you're missing something. You are. The_Chi has also posted more on this situation on the Toxic Relationships board, and some of my answers here are based on her posts there, and visa versa. You can find her Toxic board post here:


anger in relationships








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"