stubborn BF won't shower at night

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
stubborn BF won't shower at night
40
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 11:24am

I'm having a huge problem at home. It's summer and my bf rides his bike to and from work. He's really sweaty when he comes home from work. He removes his sweaty clothes and lets him self dry from the ride home. I've asked him to shower before he comes to bed, but he refuses or the lies and tells me he rinsed off before he comes to bed. When he initially refused my request to shower I was almost speechless. He will shower in the mornings though.

I've relocated to our spare bedroom to sleep. I don't want to sleep next to someone who won't shower after being drenched in sweat and I don't care if it's dryed. He's still sticky and the sweat becomes funky. And it's also a matter of respect. It's the least you can do for the person you are sleeping inches from.

I've been in a relationship with this person for sometime and I think I ask little of this person. I think I'm pretty reasonable, actually. I"m not highly demanding, so when I ask for something I really want it to happen. This stubborness he's displaying is really turning me off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 1:37pm

I'm packing to stay at hotel at the moment. He said he wants to move out to have his own space but does not want to break up. I asked 5 times, "do you want to break up?" he answers, "I need my space" later it became a, "No I dont".

This morning I just had it. I told him I didn't want to be here with him while he looked for apartments and act like everything is ok. So, I'm getting ready to leave for a while.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 8:05pm
Throughout all of this on both boards, you've talked about his behavior, but haven't indicated your thoughts on our comments or your situation. On the Toxic board I told you I felt he was controlling and abusive, you didn't respond at all. I suspect it may have scared you? Or perhaps you disagreed? I don't know. I also asked in my last response to you about your seeing a therapist, when you stared and why you were going, but you didn't answer. What I'm hearing today is that you're moving out temporarily, just until he decides he's ready for you to come back, is that right?


What do you think about your situation? What are your plans? Is this how you want to live? Do you plan to continue as you have?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 11:18pm

I left because I wasen't going to sit there and let him walk all over me. I refuse to make nice and watch tv with him and make like nothing is going on . I will not watch while he packs his boxes. I'm planning to be here a while. If he wants to see me he can seek me out. This isn't about him taking me back, this is about me getting some perspective and not taking his garbage anymore. I had it last night. It's all BS because he doesen't want to face that he's complaining about stuff that is soooooooo insignificant that he's spoiling the relationship and being so harsh he's abusive.

I left because I had to. I've tried to "deal" with him and his controlling insecurities, because that's what they are. I remember when he was a good guy and treated me really well and didn't hesitate to love me. I suppose for a while I was holding out for that guy to come back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 11:02pm
So where do you go from here, relationship wise, I mean? What are your thoughts for your future with him? What are your plans (besides moving back after he's gone)? Where are you on this?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 4:14pm

Im going home with him tonight from my hotel. I went home last night to talk to him. I laid it on the line how i thought things were and could be. At the end, it felt "right" he was loving, suprised I was leaving to go back to the hotel (all my clean clothes were there) and asked me to call him when I got back to the hotel. He even said "sweet dreams" when we hung up. He hasen't said that to me in over a year.

Today, I'm not so sure he wants to work on it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 3:14am
That's not at all surprising. I guess I don't understand why you'd expect a change when nothing really happened to facilitate a change. Sure, you left, but did the two of you talk about what specifically would change and how things would change? No one changes overnight, and he's acted this way not just in your relationship but in others as well. It's easy to talk change, it's quite another thing to actually do it.


His history says change isn't coming. I know you don't like to hear it, but his treatment of you and girlfriends before you is abusive. His sweet talk is typical of abusers who are in danger of losing the object of their abuse. It gets you back (and it did) and then it starts again. Sometimes more gradually, in your case, it sounds like pretty much right off the bat.


Welcome back to reality, huh?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 11:42am

We sat down a few days ago over dinner and discussed our dynamic and tolerances and what needs to change.He seemed enthusiastic about getting this stuff done. We discussed how we're here to make each other happy and not miserable, for example showering on his part or not leaving clutter everywhere. We discussed making a schedule for housework and to share it 50/50.

We've had a few good days. The defenses are down and we're communicating. I'm just wondering if it will hold.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 1:20pm
Discussion's great, what about action?


You're right to be concerned about it holding, it's up to each of you to continue to do what you agreed to do and human nature will have you wanting to slide back to what's normal for you. He's taking a shower, picking up after himself and doing 50% of the housework, what was your end of the agreement?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 5:13pm
I agree. I don't accept all talk and no action. We aren't done talking either. We need to be adult and talk it out and abide by what we say. For so long I think neither of us was listening. At least at this point the defenses are coming down and we are actually "talking".
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 7:34pm
He's taking a shower, picking up after himself and doing 50% of the housework, what was your end of the agreement?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"