stubborn BF won't shower at night
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| Mon, 08-14-2006 - 11:24am |
I'm having a huge problem at home. It's summer and my bf rides his bike to and from work. He's really sweaty when he comes home from work. He removes his sweaty clothes and lets him self dry from the ride home. I've asked him to shower before he comes to bed, but he refuses or the lies and tells me he rinsed off before he comes to bed. When he initially refused my request to shower I was almost speechless. He will shower in the mornings though.
I've relocated to our spare bedroom to sleep. I don't want to sleep next to someone who won't shower after being drenched in sweat and I don't care if it's dryed. He's still sticky and the sweat becomes funky. And it's also a matter of respect. It's the least you can do for the person you are sleeping inches from.
I've been in a relationship with this person for sometime and I think I ask little of this person. I think I'm pretty reasonable, actually. I"m not highly demanding, so when I ask for something I really want it to happen. This stubborness he's displaying is really turning me off.

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I'm bringing it up later this weekend to continue our talk from the other night. I wokeup this morning thinking about it. I need to know where we are going or what we both want. I don't think in times of high tension, like we just went thru, all people sit and make all these desions over one dinner in one evening. At some point in the evening you have to stop talking about the relationship and talk about work, movies, etc...
I have not excused his behavior and will take it up later with him this weekend. We need to have those talks to decide if this is what we both really want or it's time to move on. And it's going to be me to instigate it with he being who he is.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I'm not avoiding anything. You didn't ask me directly.
I've agreed to be direct and avoid brooding. To speak up for what I want. Tidy up parts of the house I've cluttered and be better organized. And to accompany him to more social gatherings. That's the list as of right now and it's open for more discussion.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I really think our "misery" is due to poor communication. We often want the same things and we don't acommlish them, because we won't stand and talk it out. Or someone gets to bullheaded and won't deal with the other.
He came to me yesterday to tell me "talk louder" so he can hear me. He told me that it was beginning to aggravate him and he wanted to say something rather than stew and let the anger escalate. I was impressed with that. We talked for a min and the issue was over. He also said he wanted to "own" his part of the issue by saying something and he realizes he has to do the work to make the situation improve.
Question for you, Chi. Do others have problems hearing you, friends, family, coworkers, store employees, etc.?
It's great that he feels he needs to own his part of the issue, but I wonder, where are the two of you on to the other issues you had, the fact that you've wondered if he'll ever be satisfied with you. Are you still being pressured to make personality changes such as being more assertive, spontaneous, talkative, making more friends etc.? What about his complaining that his needs aren't being met, and what about your needs?
I'm having a hard time thinking that all these serious issues just disappeared and everything is fine regarding them. What is his standpoint and view on those things? How are each of you dealing with the issues in those arenas?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I don't know if he will ever be satisfied. He's said himself that's one of the things that sinks his relationships. Always getting bored with what he has and wanting something else. He'll get something else and find that's not what he wants either. I relize that's all him and not me.
I told him when we first moved in together, after one of our first spats about the stuff we have discussed here, that I may not be the girl for him after he told me the above. He reitereated that he would feel that way about anyone. As much as I love him for being honest, it's hard to be the one sitting in that seat, but I have chose to stay seated - so far. Personally, he needs to appreciate me for who I am and how good I have been to him. Of course, I need to tell him that and I will. He needs to stop being so hyper critical and passive aggressive. He's got to own that part of it and he's got to step up to meeting my needs.
The other issues have not gone away. I found another couples counsleor for us. She's more affordable and I think she would be better for us. I'm going to set up a first meeting next week.
On the upside we have been doing more together, communication is less strained, etc... Do you think relationships that have been on the skids can make it? Can they be revived to a point of mutal happiness?
Questions I asked in my last post that I didn't see answered:
Question for you, Chi. Do others have problems hearing you, friends, family, coworkers, store employees, etc.?
It's great that he feels he needs to own his part of the issue, but I wonder, where are the two of you on to the other issues you had, the fact that you've wondered if he'll ever be satisfied with you. Are you still being pressured to make personality changes such as being more assertive, spontaneous, talkative, making more friends etc.? What about his complaining that his needs aren't being met, and what about your needs?
I don't think you like hearing it, but I need to say it. If your boyfriend is abusive (verbally, emotionally or controlling count), a couples counselor is the worst thing you can do. Here's a post from the Domestic Abuse board that explains why:
"Regular" vs. DV Counseling
Just please keep that in mind as you proceed.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Other people do ask me to repeat myself. It's common. The thing with him is he's gotten this issue between his teeth like a bone and won't let go of it. It makes him angry.
We still need to discuss the other things you're bringing up. The problem with having incompatible schedules is that we don't really see each other at a time when neither of us is tired or sleepy or going to work. That's not an excuse, but that is how it is.
Seems to me if you're always tired, sleepy or going to work, your relationship should run pretty smoothly all around!
Best of luck, and be sure you make choices that are taking care of you. You have to be your own best caregiver.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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