stubborn BF won't shower at night

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
stubborn BF won't shower at night
40
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 11:24am

I'm having a huge problem at home. It's summer and my bf rides his bike to and from work. He's really sweaty when he comes home from work. He removes his sweaty clothes and lets him self dry from the ride home. I've asked him to shower before he comes to bed, but he refuses or the lies and tells me he rinsed off before he comes to bed. When he initially refused my request to shower I was almost speechless. He will shower in the mornings though.

I've relocated to our spare bedroom to sleep. I don't want to sleep next to someone who won't shower after being drenched in sweat and I don't care if it's dryed. He's still sticky and the sweat becomes funky. And it's also a matter of respect. It's the least you can do for the person you are sleeping inches from.

I've been in a relationship with this person for sometime and I think I ask little of this person. I think I'm pretty reasonable, actually. I"m not highly demanding, so when I ask for something I really want it to happen. This stubborness he's displaying is really turning me off.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 12:31pm

I'm bringing it up later this weekend to continue our talk from the other night. I wokeup this morning thinking about it. I need to know where we are going or what we both want. I don't think in times of high tension, like we just went thru, all people sit and make all these desions over one dinner in one evening. At some point in the evening you have to stop talking about the relationship and talk about work, movies, etc...

I have not excused his behavior and will take it up later with him this weekend. We need to have those talks to decide if this is what we both really want or it's time to move on. And it's going to be me to instigate it with he being who he is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 11:32pm
It seems like you're avoiding saying what your part of the agreement was. Are you?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 12:47am

I'm not avoiding anything. You didn't ask me directly.

I've agreed to be direct and avoid brooding. To speak up for what I want. Tidy up parts of the house I've cluttered and be better organized. And to accompany him to more social gatherings. That's the list as of right now and it's open for more discussion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 12:58am
Actually, I did ask you directly, twice, cut and pasted from the first question into the second: "He's taking a shower, picking up after himself and doing 50% of the housework, what was your end of the agreement?" But that's okay, it just felt like you were purposely avoiding answering and I wondered what that meant. I'm glad you weren't. Your end of the agreement sounds very reasonable. I was afraid your end was more changes of your personality, I'm glad it wasn't. Any discussion about those things?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 2:37pm

I really think our "misery" is due to poor communication. We often want the same things and we don't acommlish them, because we won't stand and talk it out. Or someone gets to bullheaded and won't deal with the other.

He came to me yesterday to tell me "talk louder" so he can hear me. He told me that it was beginning to aggravate him and he wanted to say something rather than stew and let the anger escalate. I was impressed with that. We talked for a min and the issue was over. He also said he wanted to "own" his part of the issue by saying something and he realizes he has to do the work to make the situation improve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 7:08pm
Communication issues are appropriate to work on, personality changes aren't.


Question for you, Chi. Do others have problems hearing you, friends, family, coworkers, store employees, etc.?


It's great that he feels he needs to own his part of the issue, but I wonder, where are the two of you on to the other issues you had, the fact that you've wondered if he'll ever be satisfied with you. Are you still being pressured to make personality changes such as being more assertive, spontaneous, talkative, making more friends etc.? What about his complaining that his needs aren't being met, and what about your needs?


I'm having a hard time thinking that all these serious issues just disappeared and everything is fine regarding them. What is his standpoint and view on those things? How are each of you dealing with the issues in those arenas?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 4:23pm

I don't know if he will ever be satisfied. He's said himself that's one of the things that sinks his relationships. Always getting bored with what he has and wanting something else. He'll get something else and find that's not what he wants either. I relize that's all him and not me.

I told him when we first moved in together, after one of our first spats about the stuff we have discussed here, that I may not be the girl for him after he told me the above. He reitereated that he would feel that way about anyone. As much as I love him for being honest, it's hard to be the one sitting in that seat, but I have chose to stay seated - so far. Personally, he needs to appreciate me for who I am and how good I have been to him. Of course, I need to tell him that and I will. He needs to stop being so hyper critical and passive aggressive. He's got to own that part of it and he's got to step up to meeting my needs.

The other issues have not gone away. I found another couples counsleor for us. She's more affordable and I think she would be better for us. I'm going to set up a first meeting next week.

On the upside we have been doing more together, communication is less strained, etc... Do you think relationships that have been on the skids can make it? Can they be revived to a point of mutal happiness?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 11:38pm
Yes, relationships that are on the skids can make it, but both have to be working to repair and improve it -- and the changes they have to be looking at making are in themselves, not in their partners. Is that what he wants? It's not workable if you have to make personality changes to be "acceptable" or "right" for him. As far as him getting bored and wanting more, like you've realized that's him, not you. It's not your job to try to keep him from getting bored; you can't turn yourself inside out and change who you are to keep him interested, if the relationship's right, you only have to be relaxed and yourself to be right for him.


Questions I asked in my last post that I didn't see answered:


Question for you, Chi. Do others have problems hearing you, friends, family, coworkers, store employees, etc.?



It's great that he feels he needs to own his part of the issue, but I wonder, where are the two of you on to the other issues you had, the fact that you've wondered if he'll ever be satisfied with you. Are you still being pressured to make personality changes such as being more assertive, spontaneous, talkative, making more friends etc.? What about his complaining that his needs aren't being met, and what about your needs?


I don't think you like hearing it, but I need to say it. If your boyfriend is abusive (verbally, emotionally or controlling count), a couples counselor is the worst thing you can do. Here's a post from the Domestic Abuse board that explains why:


"Regular" vs. DV Counseling


Just please keep that in mind as you proceed.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 5:44pm

Other people do ask me to repeat myself. It's common. The thing with him is he's gotten this issue between his teeth like a bone and won't let go of it. It makes him angry.

We still need to discuss the other things you're bringing up. The problem with having incompatible schedules is that we don't really see each other at a time when neither of us is tired or sleepy or going to work. That's not an excuse, but that is how it is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 2:54am
"Other people do ask me to repeat myself. It's common. The thing with him is he's gotten this issue between his teeth like a bone and won't let go of it. It makes him angry." This is who you are; if you don't like it, you can choose to work on it. He can only decide whether to accept you as you are, happily, or end it because he can't. It's all any of us can do for any trait that others have.


Seems to me if you're always tired, sleepy or going to work, your relationship should run pretty smoothly all around!


Best of luck, and be sure you make choices that are taking care of you. You have to be your own best caregiver.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

Pages