Stuck in limbo due to family

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Stuck in limbo due to family
7
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 11:06am

Ok this is probably going to be long but bear with me! First of all, just came back here, haven't been here for years. It's nice to see the boards still going!

Here's the dilema I'm facing. Bf and I have a great relationship, we get along wonderfully, we have fun together, same views on parenting (we both have children from previous marriages). His kids, whom he has custody of, enjoy being at my house and from time to time one has called me mom (their mom is not in the picture) and my kids absolutely love him.

We dated previously and I called it quits because the relationship was going no where. He didn't seem to want it to progress and stated that it was due to his family (parents) as they would not understand. During that time I had never met any of his family. We seperated for a little over 2 months then ended up back together, both feeling that we weren't going to make the same mistakes the second time around. Since then, things had changed, I've met his family and get along with them great. His mom told me last weekend that she was really happy that him & his children have a woman in their life. Well the very next day she was dropping his kids off at my house and told him that he needed to start spending more time at his house.

I had asked him to move in with me a few months ago and the relationship had been heading in that direction as he had spent the past 2 weeks at my house. Now (after the talk with his mom) he's been staying at his place and sending his kids to daycare after school instead of having them come here.

I talked with him the other night and told him that I didn't like the what his mother had said, nor did I think it was her place to tell him what to do with HIS kids (she felt the kids needed to stay in their own house more). He said he felt torn because his mom wanted him to do one thing and I wanted something different and felt that this was going to be an ongoing problem between his mom and I. I basically just told him that he needed to do what was right for him, not for his mom, not for me, but for him. It seemed to go in one ear and out the other because once again as soon as his mom said something he did exactly what she wanted.

I feel like the relationship is in limbo again, and every time his mom steps in and tells him what he should do, he just does it. It's frustrating for me because I do really love him and want him in my life permanently, not just when it's ok with his mom. We were so close to living together and now we're back to square one because of his mom. I've already told him that I will not tolerate her stepping in and taking over my life and telling me what's best for my family. Apparently that was the wrong thing to say because now he's been staying at his house the past few nights. How do I handle this? I don't want to give him an ultimatum or time limit but I'm sick of him pulling away every time the relationshp starts to progress.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 11:32am

Okay.

Face a fact...he's either doing what she suggests or recommends because he respects her opinion and believes in following good advice as he interprets her advice to be.....or he wants to please and placate her due to his own needs or insecurities........or he agrees with her and so her pointing it out is just having him do what he'd do anyway at some point on his own.

The problem here iis you want a committed, cohabitational relationship. And what you do is put the cart before the horse - you get involvement, intertwining you get kids intermingled nad involved, you get all sorts of "evidence" there at there is commitment - while in reality there is no communication about that whatsoever.

So sit down with him.....and tell him this ABOUT YOURSELF.

Where do you see yourself in 1 year and 5 years and 10 years - professionally, financially, locationally, familially, personally, spiritually, physically and mentally. Wow - you probably have alot to figure out - what you want in your life - why you want it - how withut anybody's "agreement, cooperation or assistance" - you're going to creatively have those "elements" in your life - not necessary defined or exampled as you're currently doing.

And tell him what plans you'vemade and steps you have taken to make your dreams your reality...then ask him the same question you just answered to him - about yourself.

HIs answer will probably be "I'm not sure - I've got all this flux, limbo and uncertainty" - which tells you he's not a complete person, nor is he busy "finding himself" - he's just waiting to find himself in convenient and beneficial situations.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 11:32am

You just gotta love the guys who will do whatever their momma's tell them. Ugh.

If you want him, you have such a large, nasty fight looming and even then the chances of you winning it are so slim....

Think of it like this. How old is he? How much time has passed in his life where he has done what his momma wants?

My DH always jumped to do whatever his parents wanted but he was one who swayed with the strongest breeze around. And if he could avoid his parents and them telling him what to do, he would. I was the one who put my foot down and wouldn't let them run me or my life. It wasn't pretty and it caused a LARGE amount of problems. And I got ahold of him early in life. But at least he didn't WANT to do what they wanted.

I think your bf is telling you exactly what he ants to do. He wants to keep his momma happy.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 4:26pm

He's a momma's boy.

Run. Run far away.

If you were married, you would absolutely have the right to ask him to tell his mother to back off, because you would be a committed family unit. But you aren't, and from what I can tell you probably never will be with this man. You do not have any say in his relationship with his mother. You can express your opinion, but you cannot ask him to do things to change that relationship when he isn't willing to do things to change YOUR relationship. He gets to sleep with you when its convenient for HIM and stay at your house when his momma ain't lookin'. However, because you aren't married, you are in the unique position to be able to end the relationship and let him have his momma. Besides that, you two living together will send the wrong message to both sets of children.

Find a caring, emotionally stable man who really does want to commit to you and your children. There is one out there, you just need to make the effort to find him. Don't stay with this momma's boy because it is easier than finding someone better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 5:22pm

Thanks for the advice, I guess I should have elaborated more on the situation.

I do have a plan for my life and have shared that with him. I've asked him where he sees himself in the future and he just simply states that he takes it as it comes. I have always been a very goal oriented person.

Marriage is not something that either of us are really big on. We've both discussed that and have the same views. He is concerned that his parents would insist on a wedding if/when we do have a child together (we've discussed that as well) and his concern is that I have stated that I would not get married ever again. I most likely would do it, if it was something that was important to him, but not just because his parents wanted it.

His mother is not in the picture all the time, she comes for visits about once every 6 - 8 weeks and stays anywhere from the weekend to a week or so, it just depends on her work schedule. When she's not here, our relationship is great, he seems to want the same things I do. He says he we will move in together in time, I pushed for a more definate time line. First he said at least not until after Christmas, so I waited patiently, then not till after New Years, again I waited. Now I've basically just backed off and let him decide where to take this relationship, and in the mean time I wait patiently again only this time with no end in sight.

We are really good together when there's no interference from his family. I don't want to end the relationship but I don't know how to get him to see how important this is to me. I don't want to sit here and be a part time mom to his kids or a part time partner to him when it's ok with his family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 5:47pm

It sounds like when his mom isn't around he does whatever you want, and when she is around he does whatever she wants.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 6:26pm

You're conflicted or confusing.

You're upset because he's stopped spending the night all the time, and that he's having his kids now in daycare and you "assume" it's because his mother said something.

You're also saying that every time you try to "take it to the next level" - which apparently is cohabitation in your mind, and you've offered him to move into your place.....he balks or there is some "backing away" from that offer.

What about it don't get you - it has NOTHING to do with his parents....that's a convenient excuse.

HE doesn't wnat to live with you, he doesn't mind his children interacting but he's not interesting you being integral to them...he's told you outright that he takes life as it comes.

Here's how that translates out....I know it's frustrated if youre goal oriented, and you see the "potential" in this person while you're overlooking the reality.

What you value is achievement, is conclusion...and what htey value is options an dopportunities.

so they don't plan, prepare, or commit - they let offers and offerings and opportunities build up and when push comes to shove - they take whatever is best out there per whatever priorities hey have at the time.

That's called "taking life as it comes" - they're not upset that they overspend on what they could have saved on - by lanning and preparation. They're not upset that something "passed htem by" because htey didn't commit quick enough.......

This is basically him running in a priority of "options/oopportunities".....he values the ability to have choices, to be in flux......that's EXTREMELY hard for you to envision as a goal focused, achievement oriented, when anything is unfinished or uneven I"m upset type of person.

but he "values" options..and he prioritizes "opportunities" - it'snot that he's out there looking for an "ideal situation" - it's that anything might work, everything will work - there is no "ideal standard" so there is nothing amuck.

The man doesn't wnat to live with yu...why - he'd have to do alot of compromising of his abilities and his options, and he'd have to do alot more considering of your needs and your feelings - because cohabitation means that everything thing each of you do/say/decide/pursue/think/feel actually AFFECTS the other person right then....and in the future to some degree.

Right now - not living togehter - what he does when you'er apart doesn't affect you - it doesn't cause you to alter what you'd do, or interfere with what you'd do. If you want a concise example - this is the guy that he could date you for YEARS and still go home every night to sleep in his own bed. He likes that option - that why he pays the rent.

We're a "hearth/home" society - we tend to believe that EVERYBODY wants a family, everybody wants inclusion, everybod wants a relationship, everybody wants alliance........most epople tend to want that status/situation becuase of what it offers and allows. companionship, sex, support network, conversation, additional income, etc.

But someone with his prioritization on options/opportunities/open choice sees those status/situations as restrictive/impactive.....he doesn't mind the "benefits" of those roles in his life - provided he doesn't have the restriction of those roles in his life.

What is so wron g- if you're not wanting to be married - in being like this foever. Living apart, enjoying waht ou've got - comingling to the extent that you wnat, and that's that.

If you aren't wnating marriage (I don't dispute that) then why is cohabitation such a big thing? It doesn't get you anything you don't already have.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 1:16am

The problem isn't your boyfriend's mother, the problem is your boyfriend. He's clearly showing that he'll do whatever his mother tells him to do. He is making his own choice, and his choice is to always do whatever momma says and that's not going to change. Unless you can be happy and satisfied being ruled by his mother and watching him change to whatever she dictates whenever she dictates, this is the wrong place for you to be. Mom may not be around all the time, but she'll likely be around for a lot of years to come.


I would really encourage you not to move in together until and unless you've reached a firm solution to this and have seen it play out to your satisfaction enough times to know this is going to work. I say this not for you, but for you children. Involving children in a relationship that ends up breaking apart is incredibly heartbreaking for children. Having made that mistake myself, I know and unfortunately, my children paid the price for my choices. They get emotionally involved, learn to put their love and trust in your partner (and in your situation, his children too), they take these people into their lives. When the break up occurs, these people are torn from their lives permanently. The kids have no choice in the matter or say in the matter. It's as though the person they've loved and accepted as part of their everyday world has died. You've been divorced and so have I, that's tough enough on kids. But putting them through dating relationships (and I realize yours is beyond *dating* - mine was too) affects their ability to trust, their ability to have and maintain healthy adult relationships. Why should they love when they know the person will likely be ripped away from them? Please be very careful what you put your children through for the sake of your love interest.







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but you can control the width and depth."

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