subzero vs. nuclear bomb
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| Fri, 01-13-2006 - 9:18pm |
I'm really having trouble with H. We seem to be clashing on everything! Sex, kids, housework, etc... Our libido's are so completely opposite on the spectrum. He wants it all the time, and I nearly never do. I'm so tired by the time I get to bed at night, I don't even want to put in the effort. I've tried to explain this to H, but he takes it personally and nothing else seems to be heard. From the time I get up until I get to bed again, I'm going, going, going.
My day: get up, shower, get dressed, get kids up, pick out their clothes, pack their bags for sitter, get my lunch for work, load kids into care, go to work... Come home from work, start cleaning up house (for the thousandth time), do laundry, eat supper, get kids ready for bed, put kids to bed, get me ready for bed, go to bed.
Now, here is H's day: get up, shower, get dressed, get lunch, go to work... come home from work, make supper, MAYBE do a load of dishes in the dishwasher, watch TV, go to bed.
Seems mismatched, doesn't it? That's what I think. I get mad then while I'm cleaning the house by myself and he get's mad because I complain about it. Who wouldn't complain??? Who would feel like 1. having sex at all; 2. pleasing the man who didn't help you all day and then got mad at you for being upset that he didn't help at all?
We argue about discipline methods for the boys. He used to be a hitter. He would spank them for everything. We decided that he had to stop doing it because it wasn't helping. Now he screams at them. Yells terrible things and swears at them. He has absolutely NO CONTROL over his temper.
I've tried talking to him, he just complains that I never show him any affection, which, I think I try to show him affection pretty often, but apparently its not good enough. I guess we also clash on how to do that. When he shows me affection, he grabs my chest, my butt, etc... To me, that's not affection, its... molestation or something. I guess he doesn't like that I don't iniate sex. Which I don't. I guess after years of this stuff, I just don't get interested in it enough to purposely turn him on... I have enough to deal with all day long. Isn't that terrible? I feel like a terrible wife....
But just like right now. I've been cleaning the house since I got home from work at 5:30. He's been sleeping on the couch. The kids both come to me for everything. Even if he's sitting right beside me, they ask me to do this and get that... Do you think he'll even tell them he'll get it for them? No. He'll sit there and watch me try to juggle the cleaning and the kids and everything. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to leave him, but I hate feeling like the underpaid maid/babysitter. I'm supposed to be his wife and partner. We are supposed to be a team. We aren't though. I do all the work, he reaps all the benefits.
I've tried to suggest therapy. He didn't like that though because the only therapist in the area has seen me before by myself. He thinks she'd be biased. I've tried discussing a separation. That just makes him mad. I really don't know what to do anymore.

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it sounds like you've got one extra kid on your hands ;-)
Seriously though, after reading your post, I'm wondering why you're still there. What are his good qualities that make you stay?
Jeez, I don't even know anymore... We've been a couple since we were in 9th grade. There was something then, that made me fall in love... Just can't remember it after all this time and crap... We've been living together since 99 and we were married in 2004, after having 2 babies together... Honestly, I know I love him, but I can't remember what it was that made me love him in the first place... :(
That's not good, I guess...
I would suggest that you take a few days and write down a list of things that you like/love about your DH. even if you have to go back a ways to do it.
I read a book title The Lazy Husband that I really liked. It wasn't men bashing, though the title would suggest it. Later I can look and see who the author is if you would like. The whole premise of the book (written by a male marriage counselor) is to teach women how to interact better with their DH's. When we interact better we get what we need. I think it'd be a great book for you. Though I suggest that you never, ever let your DH see it. Men don't react well to the title. :)
Do you think that your DH really loves you or that the two of you are just going through the motions of married life?
Jen
ahosterman,
One of men's biggest...dare I say flaws is that once you have established the pattern that you are willing to do everything (and by doing it all the time even though complaining you are giving the impression you are ok with it) they will not lift a finger to help.
You really need to sit down and have a good talk with him about relieving some of your stresses. Make a list and divide the chores. Don't go into the talk with a firm attitude, make it sweet and reiterate over and over at what a great wonderful help he is going to be for you. Make him feel like a man for helping his wife. Each day when there is something that you want him to do you're going to have to tell him and tell him until he does it. It may seem like nagging, but when he does help out make sure that you praise the heck out of him. After he's praised he's not got to even remember the nagging. Maybe even have sex, (the ultimate praise sure to get repeat chore doing on his part) even if you don't want it. Men don't just have sex for pleasure, that's how they show their love. When we take that away men don't feel like men, they feel as though they can't show their love and it affects them. Probably why he's always on the couch. The more this goes on the more you are going to find that you don't even have to ask.
Women don't "loose" their sex drives, it just get's pushed down on the priority list and is forgotten. Once your stress load is lightened I wouldn't be surprised if your libido hightened. Instead of divorce try activly trying for your marriage. Give it some time and then if it doesn't change then you can think about other options. No one said this was going to be easy though and you need to communicate before jumping the gun on splitting your kids home apart.
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
I think that if your husband wont lift a finger to help you out around the house and ease your workload, then he should pay for a part-time housecleaner/nanny so that you can be free enough to be able to enjoy being with him. He's putting an awful lot on you without offering some kind of solution so that you both can achieve a good outcome in this.
But if he's not going to do that, then he's going to have to do without until your workload eases up. Either he's part of the solution or he's part of the problem... and he can choose which one he wants to be, but he must accept the consequences of the choice he makes on that.
>>One of men's biggest...dare I say flaws is that once you have established the pattern that you are willing to do everything (and by doing it all the time even though complaining you are giving the impression you are ok with it) they will not lift a finger to help<<
I'm assuming that you did not mean to imply that ALL men are not like this.....
There are good men out there who would never consider turning their wife into a slave. They pull their own weight because it's the right thing to do.
iv aisha 2004,
I wasn't saying that all men are like this, and actually I left out a good point in saying that one of women's biggest flaws is thinking that their men read their minds. We've all been there, wanting our men to do something, but never telling him and then when he doesn't deliver we pout and moan about how he didn't do it right.
My point to what I was trying to say is that if a women does everything around the house and never says anything or asks for help a normal man would just assume that she's ok with all of this. Not being a slave, but maybe she's ok with it and wants to. You have to admitt that there are alot of women out there that are perfectionists and have gotten irritated with their men for not doing it "up to their standards". I know, I was one of them. I have since learned not to be so critical. The way that the poster was describing her husband, she led me to believe that he is of that mindset. He just didn't think she wanted help because she never told him she did.
I don't understand why women just think that a man should automatically KNOW what she is thinking or how things should be done just because women think that way. We are gifted in knowing for the most part what men want most of the time and it's unfair to believe that all men are like that as well. We are all human, but men and women are hardwired differently.
The poster led me to believe that the biggest thing that was missing was communication, so by going off that that is why I suggest that she sit down and talk to him, tell him that his help would be greatly appreciated and to give in sex or other forms of praise because the more she does that the less she's going to have to ask. It's got nothing to do with being a slave, it's a partnership and in partnerships there has to be communication and give and take. PERIOD.
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
I hear and agree with what you're saying...however, I disagree with your broad generalisations in both posts.
>>We've all been there, wanting our men to do something, but never telling him and then when he doesn't deliver we pout and moan about how he didn't do it right<<
No, we haven't ALL been there. If one doesn't communicate, then of course the partner won't know what we are thinking. And I would NEVER pout and moan if the lack of my own communication was the reason that something wasn't done by my partner. Blaming someone else for my own shortcomings achieves nothing except to destabilise (sp?) the relationship.
>>My point to what I was trying to say is that if a women does everything around the house and never says anything or asks for help a normal man would just assume that she's ok with all of this<<
First up, there is no such thing as a 'normal' man. Every man is different and behaves in different ways. And let me tell you, there are many men who would always take the initiative to pull their weight when it comes to domestics.....and who would never let it get to the stage where the woman does it all for him.
Just because some women expect men to mind read and some men are lazy, doesn't mean that ALL men and women naturally behave in this manner.
iv aisha2004,
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Why did I have to wait so long to find one then?? HAHAHAHAHA! I agree that there are many men out there like that. My husband actually cleans the toilets! Shocking I know. I was just going off what the poster had said and to me it seemed like her husband was the type that needed to be given a little nudge.
Sorry to sterotype and throw you into the mix. I should not have hinted all or said most. I should have said, "Some".
best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
>>I was just going off what the poster had said and to me it seemed like her husband was the type that needed to be given a little nudge<<
I was working on the assumption that he's lazy and if she spoke to him he'd pull his weight for a day or two and then go back to his old ways. Or perhaps he'd do nothing at all.
However - we won't know more until the O/P replies to our posts. I'd love some history on how this subject has been dealt with before.
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