subzero vs. nuclear bomb
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| Fri, 01-13-2006 - 9:18pm |
I'm really having trouble with H. We seem to be clashing on everything! Sex, kids, housework, etc... Our libido's are so completely opposite on the spectrum. He wants it all the time, and I nearly never do. I'm so tired by the time I get to bed at night, I don't even want to put in the effort. I've tried to explain this to H, but he takes it personally and nothing else seems to be heard. From the time I get up until I get to bed again, I'm going, going, going.
My day: get up, shower, get dressed, get kids up, pick out their clothes, pack their bags for sitter, get my lunch for work, load kids into care, go to work... Come home from work, start cleaning up house (for the thousandth time), do laundry, eat supper, get kids ready for bed, put kids to bed, get me ready for bed, go to bed.
Now, here is H's day: get up, shower, get dressed, get lunch, go to work... come home from work, make supper, MAYBE do a load of dishes in the dishwasher, watch TV, go to bed.
Seems mismatched, doesn't it? That's what I think. I get mad then while I'm cleaning the house by myself and he get's mad because I complain about it. Who wouldn't complain??? Who would feel like 1. having sex at all; 2. pleasing the man who didn't help you all day and then got mad at you for being upset that he didn't help at all?
We argue about discipline methods for the boys. He used to be a hitter. He would spank them for everything. We decided that he had to stop doing it because it wasn't helping. Now he screams at them. Yells terrible things and swears at them. He has absolutely NO CONTROL over his temper.
I've tried talking to him, he just complains that I never show him any affection, which, I think I try to show him affection pretty often, but apparently its not good enough. I guess we also clash on how to do that. When he shows me affection, he grabs my chest, my butt, etc... To me, that's not affection, its... molestation or something. I guess he doesn't like that I don't iniate sex. Which I don't. I guess after years of this stuff, I just don't get interested in it enough to purposely turn him on... I have enough to deal with all day long. Isn't that terrible? I feel like a terrible wife....
But just like right now. I've been cleaning the house since I got home from work at 5:30. He's been sleeping on the couch. The kids both come to me for everything. Even if he's sitting right beside me, they ask me to do this and get that... Do you think he'll even tell them he'll get it for them? No. He'll sit there and watch me try to juggle the cleaning and the kids and everything. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to leave him, but I hate feeling like the underpaid maid/babysitter. I'm supposed to be his wife and partner. We are supposed to be a team. We aren't though. I do all the work, he reaps all the benefits.
I've tried to suggest therapy. He didn't like that though because the only therapist in the area has seen me before by myself. He thinks she'd be biased. I've tried discussing a separation. That just makes him mad. I really don't know what to do anymore.

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Well, wait no longer. Here is a bit of history.
When we were dating, his mother would frequently ask him to clean up his room. However, one word from her and off he went on his own agenda. Now I was eager to please his mom (and him of course) so I often cleaned his room for him (keep in mind we were 15 when we started dating). One day, his mom caught me in the act and warned me that if I did everything for him now, I'd be doing it forever and I replied, (as naive as ever), I love him, I wouldn't mind taking care of him.... Uh.... yeah. (hindsight is 20/20, right?)
Well, as it stands now, we go through this cycle. I clean and clean and clean, all the while asking him for help and getting none. Finally, I get so angry and sick of it that I'll explode, scream at him for not helping me, and quit cleaning (sort of go on strike). The mess will build for about 2 weeks, with neither of us laying a hand on it. and again, I'll break down and clean after another fight about why he couldn't do anything to help get/keep the house cleaned. I know this isn't working.
I just don't know how else to handle it. I ask nicely, I show gratitude when something is done, I get angry and let him know it, I do it my self... We go through a whole range of things and none seems to be working. The only time I really get any help from him is if we have plans to have people over and THE NIGHT BEFORE, he'll help clean the kitchen and MAYBE the dining room....
To me, it seems it would be easier to keep the house cleaned than to CRAM the clean in the night before people are supposed to be here....
I get a slightly different "feel" from your post than the others who have replied so far.
You say you "do everything" and he does nothing, yet it smmes to me as if you lengthened your list while shortening his. In your list you put "load the kids into the car", "get me ready for bed", "eat supper" while on his list you appeared to leave out "load kids into car from sitters" (I'm assuming he picks them up), "get himself ready for bed" (if you put it on your list I'm assuming he get's ready for bed also), "eat supper" (again - if it's on your list of things you do, why not his). Also, on your list you put "do laundry" while on his you put "MAYBE do a load of dishes in the dishwasher". Do you do laundry every night? If not, shouldn't you put "MAYBE do a load of laundry in the laundry machine".
I'm not saying that you don't do more, just that it felt that you where purposely shortening one list and making the other longer for emphasis which changes the entire dynamic of things.
Now here's my advice - go get the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. My wife and I both read it and it's very insightful. It sounds to me as if your primary "love language" is "Acts of Service" and his is "Physical Touch" (which is the same thing for my wife and I). You want him to show you love by doing things for you, the family, and the house. You need these things to feel loved. While he needs the physical touch in order to feel loved. You are "doing everything" to show how much you love him, but that's not the language he speaks and he's try to "touch you" to show you how much he cares, but again, that's not the language you speak. You both need to learn each other's languages and try to speak them instead of speaking your own language. And "physical touch" doesn't have to be sex. It's holding hands, putting a hand on his shoulder as you walk by, playing "footsies" under the table, etc. This actually makes a lot more sense when Gary Chapman writes it than when I do (which is why I'm not an author).
Jeff
actually, I do the laundry every night. And I do load the kids into the car when we pick them up every night. I certainly didn't purposely shorten the list. I came here for advice, and couldn't really get accurate advice if I gave inaccurate information, right?
That book sounds VERY good. I'll deffinitely check into it because it makes sense as far as where our problems lie. However, I do try to do those things for him, like a touch or a hug or holding hands or something... It just always seems to go unnoticed. Thanks for the book info though.
Is this the end? (long)
I'll be back in a bit to post my thoughts.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I wish I had done a search when I thought your name looked a little familiar. It would have changed my advice some.
You two definitely need something, counseling or something. Is there anyone nearby who you could get counseling from?
I mean, I'm sorry that he's upset you don't initiate sex more, etc but HELLO! You just found out about a year long affair that started 2 years after he cheated on you with your cousin. OF COURSE you aren't interested in sex or initiating it. He needs to get a grip and realize that he has hurt you terribly and he has to work to repair all this. And letting you do so much that you are that tired.... Though I have to say, are you doing it to be tired so you have a reason not to have sex?
I really think that you two have GOT to have counseling to improve anything at this point. And like I asked earlier, does he WANT things to change or improve or is he content with everything but the amount of sex the two of you have?
Jen
I have to say, Defleppardgal, that I don't think this phenomenon of "men not lifting a finger once the pattern has been set" is a male thing as much as it is that because women are much more prone to overdoing in this capacity that it appears to be a "guy thing". I plead guilty of being the female version of a guy who doesn't lift a finger. At one point in our relationship my husband was unemployed and since I was carrying the full financial load he insisted on doing everything around the house in order to feel that he was contributing and carrying his fair share. He cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, all of it; I did nothing but come home to a clean house, dinner done and ready for me. After a while, he found a job, but by then we'd both gotten used to the pattern that had been set. He still felt doing it all was his responsibility (out of habit I'm sure) and I fell into the same mindset. I am ashamed to tell you that at one point when it became clear he expected me to get off my rear and help I actually felt put out that I should have to do anything. I realized that my thinking was way, way off and I didn't come across like I was thinking that way (at least I hope I didn't!) but I can tell you that absolutely my first feeling was to be put out that I should have to do anything. Either I have much more testosterone coursing through my body than I think I do or the phenomenon is more about habit than it is about male/female issues.
Either way, the only way to change it is to change the pattern and if the non-helping partner isn't willing, it will take some focus and dedication on the part of the over-worked partner to see that it happens.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You've got more than one problem in the works here, Ahosterman, and it sounds like nothing has really changed since the last time you posted, except that you're more frustrated and fed up than you were before. I agree with Jeffkristi that in the housework arena, it doesn't sound like your husband does nothing, rather it sounds like you do more and you're tired of doing that. I can understand why you'd be tired of it and I don't blame you, either. Instead of demanding, getting fed up and stopping everything you're doing, why don't you suggest the two of you trade off duties every week? Do you think he'd be agreeable to that? My thinking is that if he's not it means he knows things aren't divided equally and you can approach the problem with reasonable discussion from that angle. If he does agree, it won't be long before he realizes your share is much more than his and that will likely lead to a more fair distribution of the workload. If you don't think suggesting a trade will work, let me know and I'll offer a solution that will work -- if you're willing to make it work, but I warn you, you'll have to be dedicated and not waiver. You already recognize that you set the pattern way back when, which means the pattern is pretty set, it won't be easy to "unset". As far as the kids always coming to you for help, that I'm sure falls under the same category (what you do vs. what he does), but the fact is the kids need to have two active parents and they need to see Dad helping them too. Not only for their own experience as children but for the impact it will have on their adult lives. What they're living is setting precedent for how they see "the right way" to be adults is. Right now they're learning that men don't help with kids, and they'll continue to repeat the same role model they're watching now unless that role model changes. Hopefully, you'll be able to talk to your husband and get him to agree that his children need to see him as someone to turn to for help and not someone who's nap shouldn't be disturbed, right? Surely he'll want his kids to look up to him and want to go to him.
Housework aside, you've got some other very major issues going on in your relationship, resolving one of them will help, but you'll need to resolve the others as well. What about the infidelity issue you mentioned before? What's happening with that now?
I completely agree with you on the sex thing, being grabbed at does not make one feel loved or sexy and certainly doesn't put you "in the mood" -- foreplay it is not. What I don't know is if he's always treated sex this way or if this is something that's come up. Let me know, okay?
I can also understand his feelings about the counselor. You said this counselor is the only one in the area. How far is it to another counselor?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
Edited 1/17/2006 12:01 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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