Surprise break-up after a year

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Surprise break-up after a year
5
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 7:41pm

Hey ladies,

Need some serious help and support.  My boyfriend and I just hit a year together, a great year.  We are super compatible, never fought, spent time with my family, took vacations together, etc., a great relationship until...until his best friend moved back to town and their other friend just separated from his wife. 

I honestly did not see this coming.  We went out last Tuesday and everything was as good as always, he cuddles me all night and nothing was different.  He had a guys night on Friday, as well as the previous Friday and Saturday, so I commented yesterday morning that I felt un-important, tired of being by myself due to him hanging with his buddies every weekend.  He said he was planning on coming over that (last) night, I said I might have plans since we didn't really make any for the weekend.  I sent him a text later and told him I wasn't going out, but I never heard back.

I called him around 4:30, no answer, then again around 6:30, no answer, but he called right back.  He said he wasn't coming over, in fact we have come to a place in our relationship where we want different things.  Funny thing is, we have never discussed what each other wants?

I am torn up inside, I hurt all over.  I honestly never saw this coming.  He said he had been having thoughts of breaking up.  I asked when he started having this thought and he said a couple of weeks, since I mentioned we had been together almost a year, another funny thing is, I never mentioned it, he did.  I met some of his neighbors and one asked how long we had been together, he answered, almost a year.

Now, I will totally admit I want, hope, we get back together, that he is just kinda freaking out that we have been together for a year and it is time to start thinking about the future.  Thinking he is not ready; starting a new job and is wanting to hang with his buds since they have had different lives for the past couple of years.  He didn't mention a "break", I almost did, but didn't.  I said, "so you are okay never seeing me again?"  His reply was "well I wouldn't say that".  I don't really remember much after that, but I hung up within 20 seconds of that comment.

I really do love him, and I know, at least he said so, that he loves me.  I have of course been thinking about things all day, between sobbing, trying to cope and figure out why.  I have not contacted him, which has been hard.  I thought about texting him good luck on Tuesday for his new teaching job or calling to wish him happy birthday next Sunday.

If anyone has been through a similar situation, please help a broken hearted sister out.

T

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 1:08pm
I so agree with you. My recent ex was like that. He never complains about me or anything I did in the relationship. He was always so happy with me. Then he lost interest in me. When we were having the break up conversation, he says he was not happy with this and that. During the relationship he said nothing.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 11:12pm
I'm sorry you're going through this. Has anything changed since you first posted?

I think you're right not to contact him, but I understand how difficult that has to be. You don't just drop what has been an important part of your life without creating a huge gaping hole. If he contacts you, you'll want to insist on some serious conversations, explanations and demonstrations of what was wrong in your relationship, how he could drop you in such a cold manner and what will be different that will ensure there won't be a repeat of this. You also might want to ask yourself how you'll regain trust in him after he's been able to do something like this to you as well as if you WANT to let someone who could treat you this way back in your life.

I think there may be some things for you to take away from this experience....

The one-year mark is a common place for men to drastically "change" (become comfortable/secure in the relationship) or lose interest because the thrill of the hunt is over. If this is what's happened, no matter how much time you've spent here, he's done you a favor by showing you who he really is.

If your relationship was truly trouble free, then clearly he has been less than satisfied yet giving you no idea he was unhappy (assuming he gave no indication he was less than satisfied). If there were indications you overlooked, it's good to recognize them and take that forward to future relationships. If he gave no indicators, again he's done you a favor. Do you really want to be with someone who won't be honest and doesn't work to improve your relationship? Do you want to be with someone who blindsides you like this? It's not fair to be silently unhappy until you want out, you give your partner no chance to make adjustments to accommodate your needs.

It's also possible that he's been swept into the fun, single lifestyle and may be back after the thrill of that is gone. If that's the case, he's pretty immature and again, is this the kind of guy you want in your life? How old are the two of you anyway?

It seems to me that however you slice it, the character he's now exposed is not that of someone you want in your life. I'd say today's pain is really a bullet dodged. I'm sorry for what you're going through.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 1:29am

You say you are super compatible and never fought. That was likely an illusion. Some people don't express how they really feel and keep it bottled up until it becomes too much. Instead of preventing conflict, in the end, this approach makes things worse. My educated guess is this is what happened with your boyfriend.

Anyway, you don't want a poor communicator like him as your husband and father of your children. Count yourself fortunate that he is out of your life now, not after marriage and kids. In the future, consider it a red flag if a man never complains, disagrees, or finds fault.  He is likely hiding his true feelings---with adverse consequences to come.