Taking a break
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Taking a break
| Tue, 02-21-2006 - 4:08pm |
My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years. I'm 34 and he's 30. I love him and want to marry him, and he loves me too. We've talked about marriage a lot lately and he said he's pretty sure he wants to marry me, but he's waiting for it to feel right. That breaks my heart, so the other night, when we were talking about it I suggested that we not see or talk to each other for two weeks so that he can think about where he's at and whether he thinks he'll change his mind. He also wants us to move in together instead of getting engaged, since he feels like if we do that first we could get engaged later. Of course, I want to have kids someday, but I also want things to work with him. Do you think we're taking the right approach? Does anyone have any similar experiences or advice?

It's going to be hard to explain this without villifying him -and that is NOT the reality of it.
Basically, th guy doesn't know what he wants in life, where he's headed, how he's going to get there. HE wants very "vaguely" defined elements of life in his life - happiness, success, security, options, independence.
He's 30 years old. So far - how much thought, time, efffort, preparation has he put into achieving his goals in life that you're aware of....and how far "down" the road did he think to set those goals.
Planners have 1,5,10, 20 year plans - or some semblance thereof. and they have not just goals - but plans to make them happen - and have instituted them to some extent already.
But he's 30...and I bet his approach is 'go with the flow'. And you're 34...and the way you talk about "feelings' as if they're facts or relevant priorities - you obviously are using feelings as indicators of what they're not, and priorities in elements that they have no business being in consideration in.
Feelings are not fats, goals, calls to action or tools of cognition. They're a result of self-esteem + perception of life in general + need/want/expectation in light of situation at hand.
Here's you going let's split up for a cuople of weeks with no contact and then we'll have a "feelings temperature" taken. Absence makes the heart grow fonder is what you're hoping for. In reality, it does't work like that without a prolonged absence. Because absence doesn't make the person appreciate "you" - you've removed your individuality from their life. It makes htem miss the 'benefits, comforts, conveniences, and options of being with you"........and if they have little invested in themselves or their lifestyle - they'll 'want you back" - only because without you to do, provide, offer, allow, and fix - they have nothing of substance at all. But they're not with you out of respect and admiration of your characer, or because it's a privilege to affiliate iwth somoene of your caliber....they're with you getting the benefits and options of that, while resenting having to do things for you at all, or on your terms in any way.
His approach is "test driving" marriage with living together. Which means very likely living together would NOT result in engagement or marriage in your case.
Because marriage is not cohabitation....it's commitment to the well being, best interests, goals, and needs of a partner equally with your own. People that want to 'test drive the benefits of cohabitation" - find out in cohabitation that the benefits of it are overshadowed by the obligations, sacrifices, responsibilities and requirements of it very quickly - if they aren't committed to your well-being equally with tier own, because they're with you out of love and respect for your character, not the benefits you provide.
Nobody can know you asan individual existentially - better than they know themselves.
It's very likely this man doesn't really "know" himself at all in terms of waht he ants, needs, believes, and requires of HIMSELF in life....he knows what he wants "out" of life and figures options, alliances, and windfall will bring it his way.
thus test driving cohabitation until it fails to immediately gratify is doomed to failure........and that is why someone else would be so "appealing" very quickly after having the "impact" of cohabitation - along with the "benefits of alliance".
So you might ask him what he "believes about the institution of marriage". In reality, marriage is just a legal contract to protect assets. IN the period of accrual it protects you both...in the period of dissolution and distribution it protects you each individually equally. Marriage is NOT about love. "In love" as a reson for marriage has caused the divorce rate to skyrocket.
But it's very likely at 30 he's not sure what he wants in life or how to get it on his own.....so living with you would be fun, easy, convenient, and beneficial - and he absolutely has positive feelings about and towards you. If it warrants marriage would be determined on "why or if" he considers marriage important....which is what the question is designed to let you know.
But if you marry based on feelings - plan on a divorce that involves plenty of negative ones for years after the ink on the paperwork is dry. You can't have a feeling wihtout a thought - so explore your own thoughts.........via "acceptance of your feelings".
And do remember aisle/altar/hymn is not I'll alter him"...how he is pre-marriage - is how he'll be post I Do. There is no magic in the ceremony that makes him instantly be more considerate, romantic, loving, responsible, mature...there are no list of "male chores and female responsiblities" that are given you to upon ceremony's end that without doing in full you "go to jail".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I hate to say this, but if after three years he doesn't know whether he wants to marry you or not, the truth is, he doesn't want to marry you. If he had the kind of strong feelings he'd need to know you were the one he wanted to marry he'd have them by now; if he doesn't have them in three years, he's not going to get them. I know that's not what you want to hear.
Speedyval, whether you agree with me on my thoughts on him and marriage or not, I believe it would be a huge mistake for you to move in together. If you want marriage and he's not so sure, moving in together gives you none of what you want and everything he wants. I've seen it over and over again, women moving in with guys thinking it's a step closer to marriage, only finding that once living together guys never do make the move towards marriage. In that position you now have to move out (traumatic) and out of the relationship. It's much harder. Check out the living together board, you'll find countless posts from women upset because of just what I mentioned; they want marriage and moved in together thinking it was going to make it happen sooner, only to find they're now stuck in a live-together situation with no marriage in sight. Your guy has already let you know he's not sure about marriage, moving in together isn't going to make him more sure, it's just going to make things more convenient so marriage is even less necessary. If he doesn't love you enough to want to marry you, why would you want to let him move in with you?
You're 34, want kids and have been with him three years. If he's not sure about marriage, give him a timeline (how much more time you're willing to spend waiting). If by the end of your timeline he hasn't decided, it's time for you to move on. That would assure you don't waste your time waiting for a guy who's not going to come around, it gives you enough time to get out and find someone who's looking for the same thing you are -- marriage. Really though? I think if after three years he's not sure the writing's on the wall. Time to move on and find someone who really loves you and knows you're right for him. This isn't the guy.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"