Taking a pause ? (long) (m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Taking a pause ? (long) (m)
6
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 12:47am

I'm in a roller coaster ride that's seem to only go down!

I'm with my DW since 14 years, we have 2 kids (3 and 6 years old) we are french Canadian from Montreal, but live in the US since 3 years. We are both 31 years old. We did move here for my career, it was an adventure for 2-3 years ... but I can't exactly tell when we will go back now (thing are going very good at work). Sadly with the kids and the work we did forget to take care of our relationship. I can't say that thing were bad, but I know it could have been better. We almost never argue, we do talk ... but my DW would like me to talk more.

After Christmas last month, my wife started a "semi-depression". She started to sleep all day and cried for no reason. Our relation started to go downhill (no talk, no affection, no sex, no more mommy for the kids). During the first 4 weeks, I truly did believe it was a depression.

In the last 2 weeks she did confess that she is not happy with her current job (started in October) and she miss her french speaking friends (she has a hard time with english). We have very few friends in the area and we see them quite less since 6 months. She hate our house and having a tough time with the kids (no patience). In the last 2 weeks, she did say that she would like to go back in Canada, close to her friends, and start the university for a new career. I know our relation is now in re-question and she wish we could take a pause.

Also, since 2-3 months, DW talk everyday to her old boss. He is in Canada (1100 miles away), going through a separation and thing are quite hard for him. DW try to keep him above water so he doesn't go in depression. That person always been a good friend to her. She has started to hide (and lied) her daily discussion with him from me and this bother me a lot. I suspect very hard an emotional affair, but she did at many times told me there was absolutely nothing. I did check her cell phone and she is aware that I now know about their daily calls. He has 2 kids and he his trying hard to get back his wife.

1 week ago, DW started consulting a pshychologue. He did rule out the depression. It looks like she is going through a midlife crisis, with all the questions that come with it. I'm very frustrated because she never did talk in the past about all these questions. Ì'm "jaleous" her ex-boss know more about her feeling/emotions than me. I expect that we are the best friends, she should share what she feel with me ! Now, she is asking me to be patient. She said she love me, but need time and space. We talk everyday on surface, but she doesn't want me to ask question or try to help her. It's very confusing. Also, I'm disapointed that I don't see her work on herself ... I just don't feel she try to put things in perspective. Finaly, I don't understand where I am in this puzzle and why our relation is put in danger.

I guess I would feel 1000% more in trouble if her ex-boss was not 1100 miles away. Taking a pause is very hard, since we have the kids, work and not many friends were she can take time alone. I told her that as soon as thing are more solid between us, I could take care of her wish to move and support her new orientation. My wife and family are priority #1, before my career or money.

I really love my wife, but have a hard time being PATIENT. Someday I show her my love, someday I hate her and wish thing would go faster (and try to ignore her). I can't accept being put on a shelf and being ask to wait .... when I feel that I should have learn all this a few month ago, when I could help.

I wonder if taking a pause would help her ?
How much time she will need?
What's your experience with pause?
Do we need couple therapy instead?
How to be patient in this kind of situation?
Should I still try to be a husband or a stranger?
Will I ever know what's happening with her ex-boss? Should I expect her to tell me?

Sorry it was long ... tried to give the big picture. Thank you for any comments you have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 3:31am

Welcome to the board, Frenchcanadian ~


It had the opportunity to visit Montreal several years ago. I absolutely loved it there and would love to take my husband to see it, it's a beautiful wonderful city.


I'm surprised that your wife wasn't diagnosed with some depression, my first thought, honestly would be to get a second opinion. She's certainly exhibiting all the signs of depression and her explanation for it is perfectly understandable. I also realize you aren't able to *make* her see another doctor.


Off hand, I don't think talks with her boss is a good thing. Talking to a friend of the opposite sex about problems in your relationship is never a wise thing to do. As you already feel, the concern and danger of emotions going too far is great -- and common.


I don't think taking a break is advisable either, it's impossible to work on your relationship when you're living apart. I may be wrong, but I believe the statistics of marriages that fail is much greater when there has been a separation.


Your difficulty in being patient with your wife is understandable. It's hard to be patient with someone who's crying, sleeping, staying in a dark place and being unavailable to her family. Those are huge signs of depression, by the way.


I don't know what to tell you, really. It seems like a huge part of your problem is in her unhappiness about where she lives, missing her language and her country. That's very understandable. I wonder, if you moved back, how much of your problem would be resolved, and how much of the problems between you would be easier to resolve? Is it possible to go back home for an extended vacation? It would be great if you could start out together then leave the kids with family or friends and spend some time in your country by yourselves. Maybe some time back home would bring her back a bit and hold things over until you can move back. And yes, I do think a marriage counselor is very much in order, as soon as possible.


It's late and I have to go. I'll be back tomorrow night if something else comes to me. Let me know what you think, okay?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 6:02am
Culture shock is always hard to deal with, and for some reason, it seems to hit women harder than men (that's just my experience, no statistics to back it up). All the things that shaped your wife's exterior life are gone, now, and she doesn't know how to replace them. Sleeping all day, crying all the time, and neglecting the family definitely sound like depression to me, and I don't understand why this simply looks like a mid-life crisis to the psychologist. If she is willing to see another doctor, she might be diagnosed with situational depression, and get some medicine that would raise her spirits a bit. I hope you can encourage her to do that. Good luck to you; maybe someone else has some more helpful suggestions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 8:30am

Thank you very much for your answers.

Maybe I forgot to say that since the last 3 weeks, the symptoms of depression went a lot away. She doesn't sleep all day anymore and she is much more able to carry her work and obligation at home. It's like all the questions she had in January were bringing her down and in a depression mode. Since she did recognize the symptoms, she look more like a confused person ... someone in midlife crisis. I would agree with the diagnotic.

I know that we need to move back to Montreal. It's not something very easy, since I now have a good salary (probably impossible to get close to that amount if I go back) and I have been 10 years with the same company. I don't want to rush that decision or move when I don't even know if she really want to rebuild our relationship.

Every other "problems", I can take care and help her. I like the idea of taking vacation back "home". I will try to see how we can manage to do that sooner than later.

My logic is that fixing the relation will make the other stuff easy to fix, but I wonder if we need to start with the other problem and then relation will solve itself.

I would be very curious to hear the opinion of a women who's been through a midlife crisis and how the relationship questions were answered (time, distance, break, counselling).

Thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 11:13am

I'm peeking in from work so can't post much but....


I'm further confused (and was last night as well) about the psychologist's diagnosis of "midlife crisis" as to the best of my knowledge it isn't recognized by the world of psychology as being a real phenomenon.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 10:55pm

Moving. No I don't want to drag my feet !:) It's just not something you do overnight. It involve finding a new job, finding a place where to live, changing house, changing the kids from English back to French language.

Regarding our relation, I guess what I mean is that we did stop getting out alone without the kids and taking vacation alone. There was less attention and romance. I don't think it was bad enough to play a major role.

The word separation has not been used yet. She is using the word "pause". It's like she hope to recapture the feeling of love (desire) and she is wondering if I can be the right person for her for the next 20 years ! She thing that she can answer these questions by getting away from me.

Tonight, I was reading something about emotional affair. It was pretty strange. Many words used in that article I heard from DW: "falling out of love", guilt, looking for the ideal, long phone calls, "stay away", need space/time, "I love you but I'm not in love"
I probably read too much ! For the moment, I'm sure it would be a bad idea to ask that she stop her daily call with Mr FarAway. I wonder a lot if it could help our relation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 12:19am

What's the difference between a pause and a separation, besides the word itself? What good will asking her to stop talking to this guy if she doesn't want to stop? And yes, I do understand not being able to move in an instant, and based on what you've said, I'm not sure it would help much.


I understand that you don't feel the neglect to your relationship was bad enough to cause this, but I wonder if she'd agree? If not this, what is it that's caused her to "fall out of love" feel guilt, look for the ideal, etc.? I'd say those are words used by someone who's distanced from their relationship; they're not things that would be caused by location, I don't think; that doesn't make sense. I have to say, French, that men and women have different needs in a relationship. Men can feel close by being in the same house with their woman, a woman needs emotional and physical closeness (in the same room, attention being paid kind of closeness). It may be that the neglect doesn't seem so bad to you, but is very great to her.


I don't understand how the feeling of love can be recaptured while apart; especially considering that there's already been neglect; how is further neglecting the relationship going to help? It doesn't make sense. I get the feeling she's using the word "pause" to soften the blow for you, she's suggesting it will help when really she just wants to get away.


Marriage counselor -- fast. Time together without kids -- lots of it. Talk and be with her when you are home. Be appreciative. Let her know you love her and you don't want to lose her. Let her know she's worth fighting for and you're willing to do what it takes to correct this and get your relationship back to strong again. I would show her the articles you're reading about emotional affairs and ask her to read them. Tell her you're concerned and talk about the issue with this guy. There are a few articles regarding emotional affairs in our Information and Resources section too:


Is It Cheating?
Is it just friends or infidelity?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"