Talking about having (or not having) a baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2012
Talking about having (or not having) a baby
6
Fri, 07-26-2013 - 2:23am

Hi everyone, thank you in advance for your thoughts & advice.

My BF (40) & I (35) have been living together for almost 4 years.  He has no kids & I have two boys, ages 12 & 8, from a previous marriage.  To give some background info on that, I left my ex due to ongoing issues that he never attempted to change, my parents didn't support me 'leaving the family' therefore my parents I don't have a relationship with them, however they talk to my ex (eventhough they didn't like him when we were together).  My ex & I aren't on good terms & needless to say my BF & ex do NOT get along.

My BF has told me conflicting ideas on if he wants kids of his own.  First it was he didn't want kids then recently he told me that since his 20s he's wanted to have kids. I'm ok if I do or don't have another.  But the thing is when friends ask him if we're going to have kids his reply is, "if her ex & her parents weren't around."  What does my ex or my parents have anything to do with him & I having a child?!  He thinks my parents will try to push back into my life in order to see their grandchild, but that's not upto them, that's upto him & I.  I'm hurt & confused by his reasoning.  I'm also hurt that he may not want to share a new different life with me.  Could it be a commitment issue? Could it be because I did leave my ex eventhough we had kids together?  I'd love to get other's BFs & husbands opinions on this.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 07-26-2013 - 10:56am

Obviously he does have commitment issues.....why aren't you two married?  That would be a commitment that I would demand before worrying about having a baby!  As for your ex and your parents, you need to fix those relationships as best you can.  You say they didn't like your ex, but when you divorced him they suddenly liked him?  It sounds like they don't like your b/f now.  If they have a real problem, then maybe you have to simply eliminate them from your life.  You can't eliminate your ex, because he's the father of your children.....but you can try to get along with him, because he'll be in your life because of your kids until they're grown, and maybe even after they're grown.  With all the problems that are ongoing, you shouldn't bring another child into the mixture unless you fix everything else.  If he's got problems with your ex and your parents, then one day he might decide it's not worth the hassle.......and move on.  Of course he could do that even if you're married.  I don't think another child in this situation is good for anyone involved, including the new child.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 07-26-2013 - 11:08am

I agree, I would not even consider bringing another child into your siutation. Your relationship seems a bit shaky, even after 4 years. His answers are conflicing though. I think it would be good to find out his true honest feelings on the situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 07-26-2013 - 11:34am

Well I'm a woman but it seems like he's conflicted about having kids.  Before you have kids together, I'd want to be sure that he's committed to staying with you.  I'm kind of old fashioned and believe that people should get married first and make that commitment to stay together, but then again marriage isn't a guarantee that you'll be together either.  Having a baby with you shouldn't have anything to do with your ex---if your ex is around now because you have kids together, he's not going to be around more or less if you have a child w/ your BF so I would ask him to explain how that makes a difference--to me that kind of implies that if he gets sick of your ex, that he'll leave you.  So I would take his words more that he isn't sure if he wants to stay in a relationship with you since he doesn't like dealing w/ your ex & your parents (although if you cut off your parents, he doesn't have to deal with them;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Fri, 07-26-2013 - 2:41pm

First things first. A baby doesnt mean that the relationship is a commitment forever nor will it guarantee that he will stay or love the child and the family life.

That said, in my view, he doesnt want a child with you. Doent mean that he doesnt want a child at all. Your parents, ex , etc, are all excuses he can get away with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2012
Fri, 07-26-2013 - 2:44pm

Thanks everyone.

I'm doing my best to get along with my ex, however, he still can't get over that I left him (over 5 years ago), is very bitter & takes it out on the kids.  We have 50/50 custody yet he won't take them to any of their activities, doesn't make them do homework, etc.  BF & I are 100% parents eventhough we have the boys 50% of the time whereas my ex doesn't contact the boys when it's not 'his week'. He doesn't work (as far as I know) just so he doesn't have to pay child support.  He saves the money he has (don't know where it comes from) for the weeks the boys aren't with him so he can go out with his buddies.  I've spent thousands of dollars in court costs yet I have to prove how his circumstances have changed, which I can't because when I left him he was in the same situation.  He won't willingly change access, eventhough he knows the boys are better off with me, just to spite me.  I think that BF feels that he needs to make up for what my ex doesn't do.

As for the situation with my parents, I don't talk to them for two reasons.  One, because they talk to my ex, they invite him to family functions etc.  And as I've mentioned, they didn't like him before & everyone knows this.  My parents are very traditional, they have been together since my mom was 17 (my dad is 10 years older).  They feel the man rules the house & the wife does as he says.  My mom doesn't talk to me because it will upset my dad.  They know they can control my ex (having the boys go to their place whenever they want since the ex never says no).  In previous years when I've told my parents the boys are unable to go to their place due to other plans they'd feel insulted & got mad since I wouldn't accomodate them.  They don't like my BF because he's established & doesn't need their 'help' & they don't like it when people have opinions that differ from theirs.  The other reason why I don't talk to my parents is because my mom made up a lot of lies about me (who does this to their daughter).  I have a great relationship with my maternal Aunt & she feels that my mom is jealous of me & she doesn't want my life to look better than hers so she bashes me :-(

I have no interest in getting married again & I don't feel people need to be married in order to have a family.  I'm conflicted on the commitment issue as BF & I own our place together.  He sold his place so that we could buy a bigger home together for the boys.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 07-29-2013 - 3:33am

  I can't blame your boyfriend.  Under the current "best interest of the child" courts can prevent you from moving.  Having a boyfriend is also the courts discretion..  In the current thinking the parent are to meet all expectations of the children and visitation becomes sacred.  He would be walking into a war that unlike the families of the renaissance we are constrained. 

   Not many people would want to walk into this poisonous a situation. 

Goldfish