Talking to Exes. What's okay?.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Talking to Exes. What's okay?.....
25
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 6:30am

So I have an issue that is somewhat resolved but am still looking for others opinions. Help Please!

About a month back I accidently came across my live in boyfriends MySpace page. I knew he had them. He has showed it to me before, but that was when he first started it. when he did we didn't have a computer at home and he used his at work. When he got the lap top computer for work is when I found out more details.
One day the page was still on the computer open, but not signed in, i clicked on it because he always talked about it and our pictures on there. I found comments from an ex fling who he still considered an occasional friend still. They seemed to be just joking around comments or small talk, but if not logged in i couldn't see what the past comments or the private messages in the box were before that. She did post one comment as a joke that he was whipped because he didn't agree that if she came to visit that she could see our new place. I'm not sure if said they couldn't hang out in a group if she came to visit or not even at all. She moved far away a couple years back, and a year ago my boyfriend had the problem right around the time i was moving in with him. He told me beforehand that she was visiting and that him, and a few other people including her were going to a concert. I did tell him my feelings he explained it was nothing to worry about.So I got over it, he admitted to even doing that after knowing how I felt about it that he was wrong. He said he was selfish and sorry for it.
So, it brings us back to the subject. I was aware that they had the occasional e-mail, which he made it sound like that was as much as every 6 months to catch up on life details, her relationship, and his.After he admitted to being wrong last summer he said it wouldn't happen and be a problem again. I don't want to control his life, just state what i will and will put up with and let him decide what matters to him. Don't be mistaken, I have too made sacrifices in not talking to exes or even just guy friends, or going out as much with friends out of respect for him.
So after I told him about the Myspace thing. He then explained himslef saying that it was all innocent and just talking and that other than her the other people on there have always been just friends or people he had a college class with. He said he was wrong and that he should have known it was wrong to do since he had agreed before that it was wrong and that he wasn't going to do it anymore. I had asked him questions about everything and he either answers or thinks my questions are silly so he doesn't really say much about them
After about two weeks, I still wondered if there was other MySpace pages, he had deleted the first one because he wanted to and suggested we start one together. We did start one, but i use it to talk to family and close friends and he doesn't.He said he never liked the whole thing much anyway. I did beg him that i didn't think it was best that he got rid of his page just what he was doing wrong with it. We went back and forth on that.I in no way want to control him, but if he admits to fault and agrees that he did things he shouldn't then lie and hide when he does them,or conveniently forget.What should I think? So,two weeks later I got into his email(he wasn't mad about it) though it was wrong. I am still glad I did it though I feel guilty.I still felt it was un resolved. I found some emails from her, one back and forth conversation went something like this:
Her asking him where the page went.
Him replying that he does things for love like others and he cares about me and wants it to work, that she(meaning me) may feel threatened since 'you'(meaning her) are a beautiful women, and I am a territorial person that way. He also mentioned how I was mad that another girl was on his friend list on the page and she commented something. He explained to me she was just a friend (then i was fine with it because he had mentioned her other times and i had met her at a bar once quickly). He used the words to the '1st' girl in the email that the 2nd girl was a girl he had briefly dated for awhile.He said that they could still email and if he ever got instant messaging he would talk again after things blew over with the situation.
So I was even more mad then I was before because he basically told her I'm jealous, which i wasn't. That he was planning on continuing to lie and keep things from me after our fight anyway! I confronted him again, he told me that he did say those things to her because he didn't know how to cut it off and doing it slower was easier.I asked why it was necessary to copliment her or tell her i was mad he talked to the other girl too(when i wasn't untill i knew the truth) He admitted to lying once again throughout the relationship about the truth about the 2nd girl that they did date for a short bit, when we have always been honest and fort coming, and he had always mentioned her as a friend that they used to just go out and had no desire to date her.
I now don't know what to believe because he wants me to forgive him for lying and keeping things. We had always been so open and respected eachothers opinions and views(so it seemed)like i mentioned, i always told him my views and gave him options and i truly did sacrifice things and people right away in the relationship for him. That could be why he never believed that a younger guy friend of mine always and really was a friend and just that, because he knew he hadn't told the full story on certain things. I have written my bf a letter with my thoughts and questions and also sent him an e-mail after that. He has acknowledged them and said he is glad i wrote them, but he never answers the questions or 'writes back'. He is busy with work, but he does have free time for video games and watching sports, etc.
So that is why I'm here because I know he has a Myspace page(besides our joint one) that is just for fun, it's rally a character and not his own profile. I know he checks it about once a week but I don't know for sure if he is sending messages to anyone on there or if he knows that i know about it.So I need to ask him and see what he tells me I guess. He told me he had no other pages and email accounts but now I don't know what to believe after all of this.He did delete one other page I found out and i am not sure if he made other 'fake' identities,and if he abuses the emailing or contact rules or not.I don't think he uses the instant messaging, he said he never had intention to or even keeping in contact with her, he just didn't know what to say. I feel he is innocent and nothing was meant to go further.I don't believe he would cheat on me or desire to. I just want him to answer the questions I have. I feel the need to bring it up and just ask since he won't answer my letters but maybe I'm afraid he'll lie again and if he tells me something, How am I supposed to believe what he says now? I am a very attractive girl, I realize this. I feel secure with myself for the most part and I feel I deserve somebody great. Sometimes I think he knows I'm attractive and wants attention for himself from people or thinks he can just do what he wants because he doesn't do anything wrong other than that.

Besides this, I feel like I'm the one who wants sex more, even though he is affectionate and does pay alot of attention to me. when we have sex it is fun and great and we're both satisfied. i'm not sure if he is insecure because he doesn't like me touching his stomach or seeing him change alot of the time. I like to walk from room to room in the nude on occasion and feel okay with doing it in front of him. Another concern after all of the other 'stuff' is he never was too interested in porn before he got the computer, he had a dvd that he watched very rarely if i wasn't home for him, or whatever, but now I have found alot of downloaded porn and websites and he's even a member for one site.He is generally cheap and money hungry and I don't see him paying to be a member. How do I know if he is?, because I feel it would be worse under the circumstances. The download history shows he looks at it at most once a week but how do i know if he visits other websites more often or not since he can easily delete that history? I have thought about just asking him about it, but I don't want to embarass him or make him hide things. I am not sure yet if I'm okay that he does this since before he didn't seem to need to or couldn't because he only used his work computer and you can't do that stuff at work.
So I come to the point of thinking, Is it okay or not to me? I really am uncomfortable with it and he has always knew my opinions,..i'm pretty sure. I again don't know if he knows I know he does it and assumes it's ok with me. I feel if he lived without it before and he has said it never was a big deal, then why not now? He hasn't treated me much different since before this so it doesn't seem to be a problem but it could be too. I have always had a higher sex drive since I sm younger than him. I want to think it is the occasional normal view but I don't want to just let my feelings go either. I don't feel insecure against the images, just disrespected of my views and thoughts on all of the subjects, Any comments nad help on any of this Please???? Sorry it was so loooong, and Thank You for taking the time to read and help me out!!!! Intuition_girl0727

Edited 8/30/2006 7:56 am ET by intuition_girl0727




Edited 8/30/2006 7:57 am ET by intuition_girl0727
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 11:05am
I never minded these inputs. I wasn't expecting anyone to agree. I'm not saying you or I do these 'tests' but I have seen people who have and made comments about the things they have done or see if they can do. You can't say that if the person you were with said to you that if they didn't like something that you were doing, that you saw no problem with that at first you wouldn't keep trying to do it to see if they change there mind about it and instead just stop doing it all together because they say so. I guess that's what i mean by test, when people do it intentionally it is an issue but it happens everywhere at work,with family,friends, etc. It's when people do it to provoke or break the rules all time. There are many men and women who are well aware of what there spouse will put up with and choose to try and get away with things they want to do seeing how far they can get. Some don't do it purposely but some do. I wasn't refering to anyone or saying they were "a drunk,old maid,old man,or anything". I was just stating that I appreciate there opinion but the need for them to keep criticizing me may be a high for them and there opinion doesn't change me since I don't know who they are meaning 'anyone' including the types of people I mentioned or a 14 yr. old for all I know. That was my point, We don't know eachother so why the constant battering of eachother on ones topic? I guess I personally prefer to be nice and caring to others and put myself 'in there shoes' before I go and make assumptions to jump all over them. you're entitled to your opinions as I am.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 11:26am

>>You can't say that if the person you were with said to you that if they didn't like something that you were doing, that you saw no problem with that at first you wouldn't keep trying to do it to see if they change there mind about it and instead just stop doing it all together because they say so.<<

If they didn't like what I was doing and it was something important to me that I saw no problem with, I would flat out tell them I wasn't going to stop. And if they had issues with that then they or I could leave the relationship. I would NOT keep doing something I had agreed not to do. And I wouldn't just stop because they said so. I would stop (if that was my choice) because their comfort and well-being was important to me, more important than whatever "thing". Adults, real adults, don't play games.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 12:59pm
It's fine that 'you' don't do this and neither do I . I agree that Adults should not play games however there are some that do. I also think alot of couples really do test there limits not while 'playing games' just while working out an issue. We all know that alot of couples issues aren't solved in a *snap* ...that is why couples continue to argue have differences and opinions. It is not immature to disagree with your partner. It's a good thing, and yes there comes a time when you realize, who your with will either respect your views and not try to get away with what they might have before and stop, or they realize the mistakes, stop and you can move on and be happy. That is one reason why some couples stay together and some don't. I am glad you aren't the type of person to put up with someone trying to 'test' your limits. I'm not either. Please understand that there are people who will conform to there spouse whether it's right or wrong, healthy or not. They might do it because they have forgotten there own independence, morals or whatever the reason. It isn't a good thing in relationships even when people are married, but it does happen and often as I've seen from outside couples or topics on these boards with repetitive posts on one subject or several. Best of luck to you and your marriage! I'm sure it is healthy.


Edited 9/1/2006 1:07 pm ET by intuition_girl0727
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 1:33pm
I'm sure you're going to hate this and it's not a slam, but I think a few more years down the road and you'll see this entirely differently. For now, I think we just need to agree to disagree.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 2:19pm
You think a few more years down the road and I'll think 'my' situation was entirely different? Or my thought that people even adults do 'test' there limits sometimes? I think I'll look back on my situation as it happened, oh well but I'm not going to give my morals and convictions. Age doesn't always mean your smarter just so you know and it doesn't always mean you have more experiences so you know more than somebody younger. I am equally as wise as anyone here. As for the fact about people testing the limits topic, If you disagree, fine. I don't think it's right to do, but I have seen people do it in marriages and other relationships as adults. They sometimes admit and say " I did it because I wanted to see if I could" Don't call me a liar because adults have admitted this to me and to others or I have seen it happen. I never said it was okay and normal for adults to do it. It is immature but it does happen, that's why people come back and post things like 'why does she continue to cheat? "topics and the like. It's kind of like how some people honestly have seen and heard ghosts but some people never have so they can say that they don't exist without even knowing the truth or not. Maybe in your life, you've never seen or heard that adults do this but it happens no matter how immature. I'm sure you mean no harm in asking peoples ages, but you should know that it doesn't mean they are less knowledgeable or less experienced than you because you are older. I agree you have more experience with life, but someone can be 60 and have had one relationship versus somebody who's 28 with a few and the better person to come to for relationship advice would be the one with more realtionships for a well rounded opinion. The same goes with people who have children, it doesn't mean that you have more children that you know the 'better' way in rasing kids it just appears you may or may not know more because of it. We live our lives with experiences and what we see in the world around us, that's how we base our opinions most of the time. I'm not going to tell an african american person that if they told me an adult white person treated them poorly that it just doesn't happen because "adults shuldn't be and aren't that way" because I kow it's immature to be and have never seen it. I'm just going to accept it as wrong but know it is out there. These examples are relevant because of alot of peoples different views on these subjects. I know you're not trying to slam me, nor am I to you. Just know your age has no threat to me in thinking you know more, as to you a younger person walking by has no threat to you making you believe they are better looking because of age, when it is not true. you do give good advice alot of the time but the best advice is unbiased and open minded.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 3:10pm

intuition_girl0727,


Hello there.

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 6:13pm
You say I don't know about pregnant people because I haven't gone through it yet. You really don't know what i've gone through do you? Just so you know as far as pregnancy and some other things, I have gone through it and am still raising my child. As far as your question. i guess I can ignore your comments like you said to :) because he did ask me not to talk to certian people, exes and do other things out of respect for him, i guess that's why when we both agreed to it I get upset when i'm keeping to the agreement and i'm not sure if he is or ever was. I know how pregnancy can effect what you tolerate so good luck with your first child! The whole experience thing was not because I don't admire advice from people who are older and have gone through things just because some people like to patronize and treat you like you don't know anything and that everything you say is wrong no matter what because you hppen to be younger. The examples and such were all mixed up and had alot to do with some conversations back and forth that's all.


Edited 9/5/2006 6:15 pm ET by intuition_girl0727
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 9:29pm

intuition_girl0727,


You know I knew after I posted that that you probably were going to have a child.

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 11:04pm
"The whole experience thing was not because I don't admire advice from people who are older and have gone through things just because some people like to patronize and treat you like you don't know anything and that everything you say is wrong no matter what because you happen to be younger."No one is patronized because of their age. The responses have little to do with age, they have to do with the thoughts contained in the post itself,and often the situation they present. While you may consider it patronizing, it is a scientific fact that maturation changes are yet to come in you, and it is a scientific fact that the knowledge in life experience cannot be replaced. Watch any grown wild animal; his choices and actions reveal whether he's mature or young. The young make mistakes and learn from them, the older, mature animals have been there, done that, not to repeat it again. Humans have the ability to learn from the mistakes of others and from the knowledge of older, more experienced humans if they choose. I can tell you the thought processes I had in my 20's is vastly different than my views now. And that statement is universal. Why do you suppose, because we're all patronizing, angry people? How about because it's true for all of us, and it will be true for you too; you're just not there yet, but you will be. Across the board? There are very wise 20-somethings and very immature 20-somethings. There have been women younger than yourself who show wisdom and maturity (Defleppardgal for instance) and there have been women much older than you who, based on their thought process and statements appear much younger. The ages of most (if not all) of the regular responders are completely unknown. It isn't necessary to know their age, their thoughts and the advice they give is wise, thoughtful and shows sound. I take offense at your statement of being patronized. And again, I would love to see you back in five or ten years to reread your threads and give your updated thoughts. No patronization or age profiling, just honesty.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 11:53pm
Yes, exactly my point. I don't let just anyone in her life and I'm against that. I really have no interest in dating around like alot of people my age.I just don't want it to keep going ooon or repeating itself.. We did talk it out, like usual things. We usually don't have big arguments just the little things people fight over everyother day or so. I am hoping things really do work out,if not I know I'll have a decision to make then. Thanks for the great advice and understandng! :)


Edited 9/6/2006 1:30 am ET by intuition_girl0727