Talking to Exes. What's okay?.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Talking to Exes. What's okay?.....
25
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 6:30am

So I have an issue that is somewhat resolved but am still looking for others opinions. Help Please!

About a month back I accidently came across my live in boyfriends MySpace page. I knew he had them. He has showed it to me before, but that was when he first started it. when he did we didn't have a computer at home and he used his at work. When he got the lap top computer for work is when I found out more details.
One day the page was still on the computer open, but not signed in, i clicked on it because he always talked about it and our pictures on there. I found comments from an ex fling who he still considered an occasional friend still. They seemed to be just joking around comments or small talk, but if not logged in i couldn't see what the past comments or the private messages in the box were before that. She did post one comment as a joke that he was whipped because he didn't agree that if she came to visit that she could see our new place. I'm not sure if said they couldn't hang out in a group if she came to visit or not even at all. She moved far away a couple years back, and a year ago my boyfriend had the problem right around the time i was moving in with him. He told me beforehand that she was visiting and that him, and a few other people including her were going to a concert. I did tell him my feelings he explained it was nothing to worry about.So I got over it, he admitted to even doing that after knowing how I felt about it that he was wrong. He said he was selfish and sorry for it.
So, it brings us back to the subject. I was aware that they had the occasional e-mail, which he made it sound like that was as much as every 6 months to catch up on life details, her relationship, and his.After he admitted to being wrong last summer he said it wouldn't happen and be a problem again. I don't want to control his life, just state what i will and will put up with and let him decide what matters to him. Don't be mistaken, I have too made sacrifices in not talking to exes or even just guy friends, or going out as much with friends out of respect for him.
So after I told him about the Myspace thing. He then explained himslef saying that it was all innocent and just talking and that other than her the other people on there have always been just friends or people he had a college class with. He said he was wrong and that he should have known it was wrong to do since he had agreed before that it was wrong and that he wasn't going to do it anymore. I had asked him questions about everything and he either answers or thinks my questions are silly so he doesn't really say much about them
After about two weeks, I still wondered if there was other MySpace pages, he had deleted the first one because he wanted to and suggested we start one together. We did start one, but i use it to talk to family and close friends and he doesn't.He said he never liked the whole thing much anyway. I did beg him that i didn't think it was best that he got rid of his page just what he was doing wrong with it. We went back and forth on that.I in no way want to control him, but if he admits to fault and agrees that he did things he shouldn't then lie and hide when he does them,or conveniently forget.What should I think? So,two weeks later I got into his email(he wasn't mad about it) though it was wrong. I am still glad I did it though I feel guilty.I still felt it was un resolved. I found some emails from her, one back and forth conversation went something like this:
Her asking him where the page went.
Him replying that he does things for love like others and he cares about me and wants it to work, that she(meaning me) may feel threatened since 'you'(meaning her) are a beautiful women, and I am a territorial person that way. He also mentioned how I was mad that another girl was on his friend list on the page and she commented something. He explained to me she was just a friend (then i was fine with it because he had mentioned her other times and i had met her at a bar once quickly). He used the words to the '1st' girl in the email that the 2nd girl was a girl he had briefly dated for awhile.He said that they could still email and if he ever got instant messaging he would talk again after things blew over with the situation.
So I was even more mad then I was before because he basically told her I'm jealous, which i wasn't. That he was planning on continuing to lie and keep things from me after our fight anyway! I confronted him again, he told me that he did say those things to her because he didn't know how to cut it off and doing it slower was easier.I asked why it was necessary to copliment her or tell her i was mad he talked to the other girl too(when i wasn't untill i knew the truth) He admitted to lying once again throughout the relationship about the truth about the 2nd girl that they did date for a short bit, when we have always been honest and fort coming, and he had always mentioned her as a friend that they used to just go out and had no desire to date her.
I now don't know what to believe because he wants me to forgive him for lying and keeping things. We had always been so open and respected eachothers opinions and views(so it seemed)like i mentioned, i always told him my views and gave him options and i truly did sacrifice things and people right away in the relationship for him. That could be why he never believed that a younger guy friend of mine always and really was a friend and just that, because he knew he hadn't told the full story on certain things. I have written my bf a letter with my thoughts and questions and also sent him an e-mail after that. He has acknowledged them and said he is glad i wrote them, but he never answers the questions or 'writes back'. He is busy with work, but he does have free time for video games and watching sports, etc.
So that is why I'm here because I know he has a Myspace page(besides our joint one) that is just for fun, it's rally a character and not his own profile. I know he checks it about once a week but I don't know for sure if he is sending messages to anyone on there or if he knows that i know about it.So I need to ask him and see what he tells me I guess. He told me he had no other pages and email accounts but now I don't know what to believe after all of this.He did delete one other page I found out and i am not sure if he made other 'fake' identities,and if he abuses the emailing or contact rules or not.I don't think he uses the instant messaging, he said he never had intention to or even keeping in contact with her, he just didn't know what to say. I feel he is innocent and nothing was meant to go further.I don't believe he would cheat on me or desire to. I just want him to answer the questions I have. I feel the need to bring it up and just ask since he won't answer my letters but maybe I'm afraid he'll lie again and if he tells me something, How am I supposed to believe what he says now? I am a very attractive girl, I realize this. I feel secure with myself for the most part and I feel I deserve somebody great. Sometimes I think he knows I'm attractive and wants attention for himself from people or thinks he can just do what he wants because he doesn't do anything wrong other than that.

Besides this, I feel like I'm the one who wants sex more, even though he is affectionate and does pay alot of attention to me. when we have sex it is fun and great and we're both satisfied. i'm not sure if he is insecure because he doesn't like me touching his stomach or seeing him change alot of the time. I like to walk from room to room in the nude on occasion and feel okay with doing it in front of him. Another concern after all of the other 'stuff' is he never was too interested in porn before he got the computer, he had a dvd that he watched very rarely if i wasn't home for him, or whatever, but now I have found alot of downloaded porn and websites and he's even a member for one site.He is generally cheap and money hungry and I don't see him paying to be a member. How do I know if he is?, because I feel it would be worse under the circumstances. The download history shows he looks at it at most once a week but how do i know if he visits other websites more often or not since he can easily delete that history? I have thought about just asking him about it, but I don't want to embarass him or make him hide things. I am not sure yet if I'm okay that he does this since before he didn't seem to need to or couldn't because he only used his work computer and you can't do that stuff at work.
So I come to the point of thinking, Is it okay or not to me? I really am uncomfortable with it and he has always knew my opinions,..i'm pretty sure. I again don't know if he knows I know he does it and assumes it's ok with me. I feel if he lived without it before and he has said it never was a big deal, then why not now? He hasn't treated me much different since before this so it doesn't seem to be a problem but it could be too. I have always had a higher sex drive since I sm younger than him. I want to think it is the occasional normal view but I don't want to just let my feelings go either. I don't feel insecure against the images, just disrespected of my views and thoughts on all of the subjects, Any comments nad help on any of this Please???? Sorry it was so loooong, and Thank You for taking the time to read and help me out!!!! Intuition_girl0727

Edited 8/30/2006 7:56 am ET by intuition_girl0727




Edited 8/30/2006 7:57 am ET by intuition_girl0727

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 12:02am
Yes, I'm sure you're right about the age thing. I ill look back and think i have been silly about some things like I do now with things a few years back. I do find some very immsture older people as well as you do. :) I do take into thought and consideration your views and the advice you give to me and some others too, so you know. I'm not just ignoring it. I think about why it 'does' make sense. So, Thanks for your thoughts. Maybe you and I are alot alike because we both just like our point made and to be understood. ? Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 12:13am
Intuition, I "made my point" because you made accusations. Your statements were completely inaccurate and I was offended; not just in this instance, but previously when you made accusations at those who had taken their time to offer you their thoughts, which you had asked for.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown



Edited 9/6/2006 12:24 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 2:28pm
Hey! I have a few suggestions. I hope it doesn't offend you or anything. But me and my husband are what they call a "swinger" couple. You are probably wondering what that means? Right? Well anyways, I will lay it out on the table for you what it means. It very simple. It is where a couple and another couple swap up partners. Like me and my husband will go with another couple and I will do the "dirty" with the man while my husband is doing the "dirty" his wife. I know that you are probably thinking "OH! my God what is this woman a crazy person!". No I am crazy. It has actually helped are marriage work alot better! We don't do it that much and if we do we use protection everytime! We play it safe! B/c we are very aware of the STD's the world has! The reason why me and my husband have chosen this lifestyle is because I used to cheat on him and he would find out everytime! So we decided instead of me doing that why don't we see if there are other couples that are willing to swap up with other couples. Well believe it or not they are! All you have to do is either look for swinger websites or get on a date hotline and that is how it pretty much works. There are even swinger clubs in major cities throughout the United States and there are even what they call swinger parties that goes on at motels in major cities! But I just thought I would pass this on to you. I know that you probably have already resolved your problem, but maybe someone else who reads this might be interested! Have a good day!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 2:59pm
Yes, I have heard of swingers and all the goods to go with it before, the clubs, parties, etc. Well, I never had the problem of him cheating or me, or wanting to, but if it was an issue we wouldn't be together.I am a monogamous person and so is he. If I were single I would do things like that,..maybe or he would but we choose to be with eachother and only eachother and that works for us. I'm glad you're happy living your life that way,that's great. Good luck to you! Did you post this topic on the boards? You should if you haven't , I'm sure you'll get some very vast opinions. :) Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 3:13pm
I too felt a little offended at first because peoples views just weren't right to me. I am sorry if i offended you. I wasn't trying to accuse you of being somebody you're not. I too didn't want to be accused of something so terrible. I brought the points about how people could be anyone on these message boards and we really wouldn't know what they say is true, because we don't know who is really trying to help or just mess with us. I realize you were tring to help and I appreciate that. I'm sorry if it offended you. I guess it could be because I did 'ask for help' but from some people I got criticized and insulted for one mistake that I realized and after I explained myself they still didn't seem to be offering help just criticism,...not saying you did this, but I felt some people had.I do understand, you never know what you'regoing to get on an open message board. I did take that risk,but I can stick up for myself too. I guess what a see as help is different than just constant criticism of my mistakes that I can't change. I am the only one who knows and sees the true story so I guess I have to take others views on it and make sense of it. I will use that as my knowledge and remember there words so they will help me afterall. Thanks :)

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