Tell Me Am I Crazy Here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Tell Me Am I Crazy Here?
36
Sat, 05-28-2011 - 12:25am

So quick run down, ex and I separated April 2010 divorced Feb 2011. She dated a guy on and off for a year after separation thought he was the one only to find this old high school friend wasn't. Here's my problem Early April of this year after she finds out I decided to test waters and date she realizes she is still in love with me. After a death in the family she came up and stayed for 4 nights and 5 days to be here

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 05-28-2011 - 1:51am

here's a link to your previous post to give my reply context http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Ask-Dr-Shoshanna/Divorced-and-ex-says-she-still-in-love-with-me-yet-won-t-commit/m-p/117393309/message-uid/117393309#U117393309

Mryota, she's clearly not as dedicated as you are to fixing this relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2009
Sat, 05-28-2011 - 8:23am
What I am most worried about here is the kids. So they are all hanging out together at his house with his kids one week-end and the next they are with you on vacation playing the happy family ? This is so wrong, these poor children must be so confused ! And when she stays at his house, where do you think she is sleeping ? Please. Regardless of your own mistakes in this relationship, she is a fence sitter and I think this is not good to drag the kids into this mess of a relationship. If you can at least respect your kids, tell her you won't allow her to play on both teams. She must choose or be more discreet about sharing 2 beds to her kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Sat, 05-28-2011 - 9:54am

Yes you are right I was verbally abusive and saw counseling to deal with my issues as well as a wonderful weekend seminar, have read books to better understand why I was the way I was I have been working hard at me for 18 months now. But I probably don't have the right to judge and never really saw things that way, I was more mystified as to why she would want to associate with someone like this b/c of the things he has done and said to her and justified her wanting to associate with me b/c of our long history and kids together.

As for where does she sleep, well her brother lives with this other guy and many weekends he is gone out of town and she sleeps in his bed, now of course when he moves here within next few weeks that will pose a new issue where either they sleep in same bed but swears no hankey pankey or he sleeps on couch and she gets his bed idk the answer yet. She says she wants no level of intimacy with anyone she isn't in a relationship with and that she can resist any urges she has towards him much better then I.

In terms of waiting around for her idk my heart says follow it wait it out and hope for the best. My mind is spinning and going nuts at times which is why I am going back into counseling soon 1st appt is the 7th of June. There are times where I don't feel she respects me as much as him or as I have told her lives one set of rules when she is around him and another when she is around me and that bugs the crap out of me. And I'm just trying to find my inner patience and resolve to stick it out but wonder how long can I, yet when I am with her it's like the clouds disappear the sun is shining the world is wonderful and I feel like nothing can bring me down. So time shall tell what happens from here it will be at least 5 months till she finishes school and clinicals before we really probably will know what she wants to do in her romantic life

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2009
Sat, 05-28-2011 - 10:42am

hum so you really believe her when she says she '' can resist any urges she has towards him much better than I '' ?? You're her ex, this Other Man is her ex, she's not in a relationship with either of you at this moment (or maybe OM thinks they are, who knows what she tells him), she has sex with you when you 2 get together yet you think when she sleeps over at this other guy's house they don't have sex ????


Please wake up and open your eyes, you will end up getting very hurt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Sat, 05-28-2011 - 11:16am

You are right I have no idea what is said between them, she tells me he don't talk about the relationship or push for anything. They didn't have sex till almost a year into the relationship b/c she didn't want their relationship to be based on sex. Yes we have had sex together when her and I are together but didn't last time and don't know if or when we will again. As for her having sex with him I believe her that she hasn't because she has sworn her loyalty and faithfulness to me and I trust her. Sure I am like any other red blooded man and wonder at times but have put my faith and trust in her. We definitely have our issues to work out and being 160 miles apart doesn't make that easy especially when she isn't ready to commit to anything. It's a confusing difficult position I have allowed myself to get into that's for sure

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Mon, 05-30-2011 - 4:25am

Welcome to the board, Mryota ~

I agree with both Blue and Newlywed ~ your ex can't be blamed for not rushing back into a relationship with you.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Mon, 05-30-2011 - 6:45am
"Am I crazy to wanna know why she would wanna associate with a guy like this??"

You aren't crazy, but the "why" questions aren't going to help you. The fact is she does want to associate with a guy like this, she has, is, and will continue to. What's left is now deciding what you will do, and it sounds like you've decided to return to counseling and wait to see what she decides down the road. If you want to be with her, that is probably the most you can do right now. Keep the focus on yourself and being the best dad you can be, and focus less on involving yourself in analyzing her, and you'll be ok.
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Mon, 05-30-2011 - 8:34am
Also how old are your kids? How did they handle the divorce and are they excited or worried about a potential reunion between you and their mom?
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Thu, 06-02-2011 - 4:49pm

(your ex can't be blamed for not rushing back into a relationship with you)---I fully understand and agree it's just difficult to comprehend how someone can come back and swear they love you want to be with you and then wham they stop in their tracks and say wait a minute is this how I feel is it what I want etc when they pulled you in like a tornado and left you hanging by a thread to wait and see. And she has said she see's that I have changed for the better but I understand she is afraid and have told her as much. As for therapy I started April of last year it last for 8 weeks and ended when finances got too tight and not sure what a DV treatment program is but it was just a normal psychologist/family/individual/couples therapist. It helped a lot and didn't really wanna see it end and look forward to starting this one as well for as long as can keep it in the budget.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Thu, 06-02-2011 - 4:54pm

Our children are almost 12 and almost 7. Overall they are being pretty supportive. When we started talking more and spending more time together my oldest first said he thought it was creepy, but in discussing things with him it was more of a weird factor that we went from married to not getting along to getting along back to not getting along and now again things are good. He worries about things going back to way they were and is tired of her going back and forth between her ex bf as well and doesn't want her to go back to him b/c he wasn't supportive of her and I being friends and that upset him. They handled the divorce pretty good I mean what could they do, we did see more anger outburst for sometime from our son and I attribute that to combination of getting his adhd meds set correctly and his dealing with everything. When we first split I made sure to sit down and discuss things thoroughly with our children. Let them know that we would always be their parents we both loved them very much and that this had nothing to do with them. That their mother deserved to be happy and that hopefully one day we could find our way back to one another but don't count on it. That I would always be there for them and do all I could to make sure they and their mother was very well taken care of. As for a reunion as long as we are happy and getting along and things don't go back to how they were they are very receptive of the idea and would like to see us all a family living together again. The oldest worries about me being too hard on him and taking everything away but we are doing joint counseling to help him deal with our past issues of me being too hard and controlling of a father and his behavorial issues.

Pages