Tell me the truth-please

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2006
Tell me the truth-please
11
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 4:57pm
My anxiety has been really high lately. And I don't know if I am creating it or if I have good reason for it. So please tell me your honest opinion.
During the first year my husband and I dated he cheated on me twice.
Once while I was chaperoning high school kids on a national trip out of state ( and he was watching my house, had sex w/her in MY house)
And the other was within the first month of us starting to date. I have alot of insecurities from those events.
For a couple reasons:1. he never told me about them. The girl he slept with at the beginning of our relationship told ME
2. The other girl, my friend told me, I repeatedly asked him, he denied it. Until I tricked him and told me he told me when he was drunk and than he spilled thr truth. So, he lies.
BUT what is bothering me now (we've been married one year and together 4 total)
A few months ago he told me he would NEVER cheat on me when he is sober, but if he is drinkng.. he doesn't know.
Well, my husband is an alcoholic. So this is quite often.
Last weekend he left friday to get his daughter who lives 4 hours away. He wasn't picking her up until saturday. I have no idea where he stayed that night or what he did. The only thing I know is I talked to him about midnight he was drunk and mean to me... He arrived there about 7pm, he didn't even call to tell me he made it. So I called.
NOW he has to take her back and he wants to do the same thing.Leave tonight come home tomorrow night.(BTW his daughter lives in his home town,where all his friends live)
All I can repeatedly think about is, how he cheated on me and everyone knew. Everyone as in his mom,sister and the friends he is going over to see. They ALL lied for him and would again.
AND what he said: That he will be faithful when he sober, but probably not when he is drunk. I can't stop thinking about it. Or wondering.. how much has he cheated? Is it ridiculous to think he has been faithful to me? What about all the nights he doesn't come home or didn't come home? I hate it! Do I have a reason to be so worked up? or is my anxiety so out of control I am making a bigger deal out of it. PLEASE tell me the truth I feel like I am going crazy. Thank you very much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 12:14pm

Confronting him won't have much of an effect (other than to start a useless fight), so there's no point in planning one. I promise you, he remembers that he told you he would cheat when he was drunk; it is the way he's excusing his otherwise inexcusable behavior. What you decide to do has to be for you, not something you think will motivate him, because you can't change him.

You are right: if he would stop drinking, your lives would be much better. He's not going to stop, Loladoreen. He's an addict. He's married to the bottle, and in a long-term relationship with the feelings of forgiveness and oblivion that drinking brings. Hon, his behavior has nothing to do with you--you are just a walk-on in the movie of his life. Therefore, all your decisions from now on need to be about you. What do YOU want? How can you make YOUR life productive and happy? What professionals do YOU need to consult to get your life back on track?

I'm so sorry you are having these problems. No one deserves to have their dreams dashed to bits as yours have been. Please keep posting so we can help you through this difficult time.

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