Text Messages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2013
Text Messages
15
Sat, 02-23-2013 - 11:05pm

Hi everyone, well here's a doozy.  About 2 weeks ago after a fight with my boyfriend who I suspected was seeing someone else I decided to look on his phone one night when I couldn't sleep. Well much to my surprise - bam!!!! There was a thread of messages of not only very sexual messages from a woman but very explicit pictures from her as well. To add to my shock, were new text messages from an old girlfriend that was sending a "hello" after they had broken up 8 months ago.  Now comes some background on us - first of all, I've known this man for 13 years but we never dated until about 6 months just because we had gone in different directions in our lives. I knew when I reconnected with him that he was the ever illusive bachelor with quite the reputation and told myself I would NOT fall for him. He's a great guy, lots of fun and yes, he is a sweetheart. He makes no promises to any woman, makes it clear he doesn't want to be tied down. All good. I haven't had luck with relationships, so he was just what I needed. Everything was going great, no demands, no rules, we just enjoyed each others company, had mutual friends that are married, we have the same interests and yes, we have great sex.  Well 3 months into the "friendship" things changes for both of us. Not mind you, during this time I suspected he had other female acquaintances but nothing to the extent of what I found on his phone. The reason this came as a shock was because I spent Christmas with him and he included me in dinner with him and his parents - something he has never done as long as he has dated and since he divorced 25 years ago. (His wife left him/cheated on him).  Come January, we began to really be a couple and he told me loved me. He told me had not felt this way in 20 years, he was crazy about me and he invited me on a week vacation with him and 4 other couples. This was huge for him, for us.  I debated about it because I was still not sure what this meant but he just included me in family events, we were officially making appearance as a couple everywhere all over town. I was on cloud 9. We went on vacation and it was the best vacation I ever had with a man. Not one thing went wrong, i never felt like we got in each others way and in fact, before the vacation he mentioned there may be days that he wanted to golf with the guys and would I be offended. Well, there wasn't one day we spent apart and we ended up golfing together as a couple. It was wonderful in every way. We came back and things got better and better. So, here we are Feb. 4th and I had to help a friend who was having surgery so I wasn't going to see him for a few days. We had plans to see each other at the end of the week but a few days before - he was no where to be found. He didn't answer his phone, didn't return his calls - nothing. Unfortunately, i know he does have a habit to go on these party boy benders with his buddies and that his exactly what happened.Only problem is, I was so hurt that I let my emotions get the better of me and I thought the worst and looked at his phone. That's when I found the texts, the pictures, etc. I was so upset - I woke him up, called him on it and he said it was nothing.  It was someone he had been seeing but it was over. Unfortunately, I was so upset I didn't bother to notice the dates on the messages - they were all old. Being the guy that he is, he just never deleted them. So once he convinced me nothing was going on and he said he would call old girlfriend and tell her not to call because he was now in a relationship and did not want to ruin it, so for her not to contact him. He did all these things.  This all took about a week of repairing. Well last week - Valentine's day to be exact - we went out, had a wonderful time, came home, went to bed and again I couldn't sleep because the day before I had called him several times through the day and he never answered and he never returned my calls. I got a good night text. I let it go because there has been so much emotion and drama going on as it was, I just wanted to give it a rest. Well V-day night we went to bed and I just couldn't sleep. So what did I do? I went and looked at his phone. And what did I find -  a message from naked woman saying she wanted him to do things to her and a text from the ex girlfriend just saying have a good Vday.  I was fuming considering he told me told both of these women he couldn't have contact with them anymore. He did tell me that he has known both women for 15 and 20 years respectively. Additionally, naked lady apparently doesn't care about whether he has a relationship or not and he said that is her presonality.  Well, I decided to text these women from his phone - I sent text to naked lady as him - just saying "look, I told you I am seeing someone, I don't want to do this." I did it because I wanted to see her response - in other words if he really told her to stop she would respond appropriately.  Sure enough, hours later she did text back "I know, I was just kidding LOL."    The ex girlfriend was not so happy because she felt that she had no love interest in him and was just being a friend. So she called him back on the text that I really sent. He is furious with me now, isn't sure if he can trust me for going on his phone because I should have never done it in the first place. He said, I love you, I told you I loved you and you should never have gone on my phone it was wrong. I'm not with any women, I love/loved you. I don't know if I can be with someone that would do something like that. I finally opened myself to someone and you betrayed me. I am so confused.  Was I wrong?  Please help me. I do love him very much and the more I think about things, the more I think I should have believed him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2013
Fri, 03-29-2013 - 9:51pm

Wow, I ran into him yesterday and much NOT to my surprise he was with one of the women he told me "he wasn't seeing - an ex-girlfriend."  In fact, she is the same one he said they were just friends and she was actually involved with a friend of his.  Wonder if that friend knows they were having lunch and making out at the bar all afternoon. I left as I was with my daughter and didn't want to deal with seeing him.  Ironically, one of my girlfriends that was at lunch with me stayed and waited for friends that she was meeting later at same bar. As she had never met this man, she had no idea who he/they were or the story behind them.  What she did know was that whomever they/that couple were apparently the woman he was with was a little upset with him because apparently they were having a little argument and she was quizzing him as to a woman she saw him with the night before at another bar hugging and kissing.  Wow! I am sooo glad I am not with him. It was a few lessons learned for me: 1) I will trust my gut instincts in the future and if I have any doubts or suspicions - will just straight out ask that person; 2) I will NEVER look at anyone's phone again - unless asked to; and 3) will make sure to make it clear to anyone I am dating and becoming serious with - I am a monogamous person. If they feel they need more than one partner, I am not the one for them.  While I acknowledge that I invaded his privacy by looking at phone and doing what I did, I did not deserve to be lied to, cheated or made to feel like I was the reason things went wrong. He fed me such crap - that he had changed for me, that he had stopped having sex with other woman (yes, that one but did not say the others), that while he did receive messages - text, pictures, voicemails and calls from other woman - he did not ALWAYS return the calls!  Wow what an idiot I was. No one to blame but myself. I had a gut feeling and should have followed. Quite frankly, as soon as I found the texts, I should have just left his house and never addressed the issues I found. He was going to lie either way.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2013
Sat, 03-16-2013 - 12:16pm
Yes indeed, time to move on - lesson learned. While I know I don't have to explain myself, I am. I never thought I was "the one" that could change him. Even while he repeatedly declared his love for me, I knew he would never be capable of the love I wanted or needed. He's 56, been single for 25 years. We met a few days ago and even then he tried to tell me he had really changed for me. But he didn't - women were still calling and texting so I'm not sure what he "changed" for me because one of the texts he received from "naked woman" was a week before this all happened and others came from her while we were on our "dream vacation" and the day wecame, another text came from yet another woman saying "I'm done with work and ready to play." That was the night that I had called him and got now response for 2 days. What triggered my suspicion was that one of his buddies that he"s usually with had actually called me AND texted me looking for him because he needed to get a hold of him. Something his own buddies had never done before - call me. That is when I decided something was up. Anyway, as I said at the beginning of this - lesson learned. We talked a few days ago and interestingly, he has called me the last 3 days to "check up on me" to make sure I'm ok, something simple I asked he do before and now he can do it and while we talked the other day, his story/facts changed a couple of times regarding the events that transpired that night and after. In any event, Mr. Big is out of my life - sadly and I will admit I did fall in love as much as I didn't want to, but live and learn . . . and boy did I learn!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 12:45am

He's been a playboy for 20+ years.......and you just wanted some fun.  Women don't "have fun", they eventually have feelings, and expect the man to suddenly change his ways.  They rarely do!  Past behavior is a pretty reliable predictor of present and future behavior.  1. You shouldn't have snooped!  That shows you didn't trust him.  Without trust, you have nothing.  2.  You should NEVER have pretended to be him.  That's ridiculous!  You can't scare another woman off, anymore than he scared you off.  They think they're special, just like you do, and they think THEY are the ones to tame him, just as you thought you were the one to do it.    He's gone, you never really had him.  Move on.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 03-14-2013 - 8:58am

Minx2012 wrote:
Well, it's over. He said he can't trust me. It took him a month to of not talking to me or seeing to tell me but he finally did. He said his "friends" even said he shouldn't trust. My response, "your friends? The ones that lie to their wives and the women that didn't want you to have a girlfriend? Those friends?"

Yeah, but they didn't invade his privacy, impersonate him and interfere in his friendships. What they're doing in their lives has nothing to do with him and his life... he seems to make his own decisions and as long as you didn't invade his privacy, he was not entertaining their requests for him to dump you.  You are the one who caused him to rethink the wisdom in being involved with you, not them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2013
Tue, 03-12-2013 - 12:15am
Well, it's over. He said he can't trust me. It took him a month to of not talking to me or seeing to tell me but he finally did. He said his "friends" even said he shouldn't trust. My response, "your friends? The ones that lie to their wives and the women that didn't want you to have a girlfriend? Those friends?"
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 03-07-2013 - 12:24am

If he wants to reconnect and try this again, it seems that some changes have to be made by both of you. 

If he's known naked girl for 20 years then he knew she wouldn't stop texting and sending naked pictures.  If he really intended to make it stop, he would have blocked her.  It sounds like he never did tell the ex to stop texting.  All in all, it sounds like he was appeasing you, not so much taking action.  He's under no obligation to stop/block his friendships because you don't like them, but he should be adult enough to tell you he's not going to.  Lying/making you think he's stopping things that he's really not stopping isn't going to make for a healthy or strong relationship.  Dropping out of sight for days isn't acceptable -- at least it sure wouldn't  be for me.  If he can't let you know he's going out with the boys and will be out of contact for a few days, he's not worth the trouble, IMO.  I don't know why sometimes he doesn't reply in a day when you call (which you respond to  by repeatedly calling) but I do know repeatedly calling strongly suggests insecurity on your part.  I'd suggest you take a look at why you're insecure.

Bottom line -- he comes clean about his intent to drop those contacts or not, you decide if you can accept his true decision.  He agrees to be responsible to notify you when he's going off with the boys and you agree not to snoop. 

If you don't agree and actually make changes you'll find youselves back with the exact same issues that brought you where you are.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2013
Sat, 03-02-2013 - 7:47pm

Well Mr. Man, let me ask you this. He recently contacted me. HE wants to put all of this behind us. HE wants US to move forward and work on us being a monogamous couple. He knows it will take both us some time, adjustments and rebuilding trust between us. We haven't seen each other in a week. We have plans to meet tomorrow. What  is your manly opinion on this? Is he playing me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 02-27-2013 - 2:00am

Hard to know what to say here.  He's right, you shouldn't have toyed with his phone - what was it, three times or more?  Ordinarily if someone KNOWS something is going on, then I really don't have a problem with snooping, I really don't.  Sometimes what you find lets you know to run, sometimes it just makes you cry.  You have to be prepared if you snoop to find things you wish you had not seen, ever.  Which you have found out.  In the meantime, you're with this guy who sounds like maybe he really does care about you, and at the same time he's been a player for a long time, and as one other poster said already, don't expect him to stop playing.  He seems to be very open that he doesn't want a permanent arrangement and has a reputation, and it sounds like you thought you were the one to change all that.  In all honesty, I don't see a big future in this.  He's likely a confirmed bachelor and you've messed up by snooping too darned much, which might make him even more confirmed to stay a bachelor now.  Once trust gets damaged, it can be very hard to restore.  Besides, if you're this suspicious, it's just one more huge red flag. 

 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Tue, 02-26-2013 - 3:52pm

  I can understand his position very well.  he told you that he had other women as friends (possibly sexual friends) but you took it upon yourself to invade his privacy and worst call these other women while pretending to be him.  Yeah, he now knows you are not to be trusted nor are you secure in and of yourself.  he is going to have to think hard and long.

   Your ideal relationship and his might not mesh. 

  I am male and most of my friends are female.  Many of whom i have been sexual with in the past if not now.  I would never let a "new" woman know what my other relationships are because it is not her business.  I am adult and think that people do have other friends.  In the real world you will have many people that those you like have others who like them and are more beautiful,more accomplished,better educated,etc.  That is life.  perhaps you need time to access who you are and what you can cope with.

       

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Tue, 02-26-2013 - 1:21pm

It seems to me you fell into a pitfall many, many other women fall into.  You take a confirmed bachelor, player, whatever, and tell yourself you won't become emotionally involved (you aren't looking for anything serious, you just aren't in the right place for a relationship, etc.)  You fall in love anyway.  He then declares his love, says he's never felt this way before, says he's doing things with you he's never done with another woman before, tells you you're "the one", etc.  You're delighted to be "the one" he finally fell for.  You tell yourself that despite his past, he'd never, ever "do that" to you because he told you you're "different".  Then, surprisingly, it turns out it's not "different" at all.

Guarantee he's told at least a few other women the exact same things.

These men can always find women to play that way because, face it, who wouldn't love to be "the one" who finally snagged the George Clooney type?  It makes women feel special.  THEY make women feel special and they count on that.  They can read women like a Dr. Seuss book and they use their knowledge to their advantage.

No matter what, men like this will ALWAYS have other women, in some form or another.  Men like this aren't ever satisfied having the full attention of just one woman.  They crave and need the attention of at least a couple others because it makes them feel like the big man.  Even if they're not sleeping with them, they like to know they have someone else (or a couple of someone elses) on the hook. 

You kind of knew what you were getting into.  I wouldn't have been surprised about what happened, frankly.

Just keep in mind that if you do convince him to give you another chance (and I can almost guarantee he will, because he needs you on the hook), you'll be in for more of the same.  Ask yourself if you really want to live your life always wondering who's texting him today.

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