Text Messages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2013
Text Messages
15
Sat, 02-23-2013 - 11:05pm

Hi everyone, well here's a doozy.  About 2 weeks ago after a fight with my boyfriend who I suspected was seeing someone else I decided to look on his phone one night when I couldn't sleep. Well much to my surprise - bam!!!! There was a thread of messages of not only very sexual messages from a woman but very explicit pictures from her as well. To add to my shock, were new text messages from an old girlfriend that was sending a "hello" after they had broken up 8 months ago.  Now comes some background on us - first of all, I've known this man for 13 years but we never dated until about 6 months just because we had gone in different directions in our lives. I knew when I reconnected with him that he was the ever illusive bachelor with quite the reputation and told myself I would NOT fall for him. He's a great guy, lots of fun and yes, he is a sweetheart. He makes no promises to any woman, makes it clear he doesn't want to be tied down. All good. I haven't had luck with relationships, so he was just what I needed. Everything was going great, no demands, no rules, we just enjoyed each others company, had mutual friends that are married, we have the same interests and yes, we have great sex.  Well 3 months into the "friendship" things changes for both of us. Not mind you, during this time I suspected he had other female acquaintances but nothing to the extent of what I found on his phone. The reason this came as a shock was because I spent Christmas with him and he included me in dinner with him and his parents - something he has never done as long as he has dated and since he divorced 25 years ago. (His wife left him/cheated on him).  Come January, we began to really be a couple and he told me loved me. He told me had not felt this way in 20 years, he was crazy about me and he invited me on a week vacation with him and 4 other couples. This was huge for him, for us.  I debated about it because I was still not sure what this meant but he just included me in family events, we were officially making appearance as a couple everywhere all over town. I was on cloud 9. We went on vacation and it was the best vacation I ever had with a man. Not one thing went wrong, i never felt like we got in each others way and in fact, before the vacation he mentioned there may be days that he wanted to golf with the guys and would I be offended. Well, there wasn't one day we spent apart and we ended up golfing together as a couple. It was wonderful in every way. We came back and things got better and better. So, here we are Feb. 4th and I had to help a friend who was having surgery so I wasn't going to see him for a few days. We had plans to see each other at the end of the week but a few days before - he was no where to be found. He didn't answer his phone, didn't return his calls - nothing. Unfortunately, i know he does have a habit to go on these party boy benders with his buddies and that his exactly what happened.Only problem is, I was so hurt that I let my emotions get the better of me and I thought the worst and looked at his phone. That's when I found the texts, the pictures, etc. I was so upset - I woke him up, called him on it and he said it was nothing.  It was someone he had been seeing but it was over. Unfortunately, I was so upset I didn't bother to notice the dates on the messages - they were all old. Being the guy that he is, he just never deleted them. So once he convinced me nothing was going on and he said he would call old girlfriend and tell her not to call because he was now in a relationship and did not want to ruin it, so for her not to contact him. He did all these things.  This all took about a week of repairing. Well last week - Valentine's day to be exact - we went out, had a wonderful time, came home, went to bed and again I couldn't sleep because the day before I had called him several times through the day and he never answered and he never returned my calls. I got a good night text. I let it go because there has been so much emotion and drama going on as it was, I just wanted to give it a rest. Well V-day night we went to bed and I just couldn't sleep. So what did I do? I went and looked at his phone. And what did I find -  a message from naked woman saying she wanted him to do things to her and a text from the ex girlfriend just saying have a good Vday.  I was fuming considering he told me told both of these women he couldn't have contact with them anymore. He did tell me that he has known both women for 15 and 20 years respectively. Additionally, naked lady apparently doesn't care about whether he has a relationship or not and he said that is her presonality.  Well, I decided to text these women from his phone - I sent text to naked lady as him - just saying "look, I told you I am seeing someone, I don't want to do this." I did it because I wanted to see her response - in other words if he really told her to stop she would respond appropriately.  Sure enough, hours later she did text back "I know, I was just kidding LOL."    The ex girlfriend was not so happy because she felt that she had no love interest in him and was just being a friend. So she called him back on the text that I really sent. He is furious with me now, isn't sure if he can trust me for going on his phone because I should have never done it in the first place. He said, I love you, I told you I loved you and you should never have gone on my phone it was wrong. I'm not with any women, I love/loved you. I don't know if I can be with someone that would do something like that. I finally opened myself to someone and you betrayed me. I am so confused.  Was I wrong?  Please help me. I do love him very much and the more I think about things, the more I think I should have believed him.

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Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 02-25-2013 - 9:55pm

Minx2012 wrote:
IActually, we talked a few days ago and he told me - he had become exclusive. He said because he had no interest in these women, he just didn't respond. In regard to your comment about what he said to me about "making no promises," this is true to the extent that all that changed. He changed by his own admission. I definitely violated his trust and privacy and his heart but he recently called me and said, I still love you, I miss us and what we had. He invited me to attend his son's college graduation in May. But he did say I can't get over what you did. I need time. He made it clear I was NOT like the other women and he knew that and he thought I knew that. So yes, I have left some things out. I am trying to see if there is a chance but since I wrote this, we have talked several times. So we are going to tread slowly, carefully and cautiously. That is all I can ask and am greatful that I will have that opportunity. I had lunch will a girlfriend yesterday and even she was shocked that I did what I did. Because it isn't me or something I would even do.

Of course it's  you, because you're the one who did it.  Who else was in the room who had his phone?

Quote:
I am sorry for you have to be so angry towards me.

Why in God's name would I waste anger on someone I don't know? Your little sitch doesn't rise to the level where I would employ that emotion. You confuse being direct with being angry. Adults know the difference.

Quote:
Did this happen to you? Were you that woman texting someone else's boyfriend and not caring that you were until you were told not to?

What are you talking about? Project much? I guess that's not the real you, either... (smh)

No, if you must know, my self esteem is such that I would never debase myself to the point where I would impersonate a boyfriend to interfere in his friendships with women who intimidate me because never in this lifetime would I be that insecure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2013
Mon, 02-25-2013 - 2:57pm
IActually, we talked a few days ago and he told me - he had become exclusive. He said because he had no interest in these women, he just didn't respond. In regard to your comment about what he said to me about "making no promises," this is true to the extent that all that changed. He changed by his own admission. I definitely violated his trust and privacy and his heart but he recently called me and said, I still love you, I miss us and what we had. He invited me to attend his son's college graduation in May. But he did say I can't get over what you did. I need time. He made it clear I was NOT like the other women and he knew that and he thought I knew that. So yes, I have left some things out. I am trying to see if there is a chance but since I wrote this, we have talked several times. So we are going to tread slowly, carefully and cautiously. That is all I can ask and am greatful that I will have that opportunity. I had lunch will a girlfriend yesterday and even she was shocked that I did what I did. Because it isn't me or something I would even do. I am the girlfriend that tells everyone NOT to do something like that. I unfortunately was overcome with emotion and hurt. I am sorry for you have to be so angry towards me. Did this happen to you? Were you that woman texting someone else's boyfriend and not caring that you were until you were told not to?
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 7:14pm

Minx2012 wrote:
<p>Hi everyone, well here's a doozy.  About 2 weeks ago after a fight with my boyfriend who I suspected was seeing someone else I decided to look on his phone one night when I couldn't sleep. Well much to my surprise - bam!!!! There was a thread of messages of not only very sexual messages from a woman but very explicit pictures from her as well. To add to my shock, were new text messages from an old girlfriend that was sending a "hello" after they had broken up 8 months ago.  Now comes some background on us - first of all, I've known this man for 13 years but we never dated until about 6 months just because we had gone in different directions in our lives. I knew when I reconnected with him that he was the ever illusive bachelor with quite the reputation and told myself I would NOT fall for him. He's a great guy, lots of fun and yes, he is a sweetheart. He makes no promises to any woman, makes it clear he doesn't want to be tied down. All good. I haven't had luck with relationships, so he was just what I needed. Everything was going great, no demands, no rules, we just enjoyed each others company, had mutual friends that are married, we have the same interests and yes, we have great sex.  Well 3 months into the "friendship" things changes for both of us. Not mind you, during this time I suspected he had other female acquaintances but nothing to the extent of what I found on his phone. The reason this came as a shock was because I spent Christmas with him and he included me in dinner with him and his parents - something he has never done as long as he has dated and since he divorced 25 years ago. (His wife left him/cheated on him).  Come January, we began to really be a couple and he told me loved me. He told me had not felt this way in 20 years, he was crazy about me and he invited me on a week vacation with him and 4 other couples. This was huge for him, for us.  I debated about it because I was still not sure what this meant but he just included me in family events, we were officially making appearance as a couple everywhere all over town. I was on cloud 9. We went on vacation and it was the best vacation I ever had with a man. Not one thing went wrong, i never felt like we got in each others way and in fact, before the vacation he mentioned there may be days that he wanted to golf with the guys and would I be offended. Well, there wasn't one day we spent apart and we ended up golfing together as a couple. It was wonderful in every way. We came back and things got better and better. So, here we are Feb. 4th and I had to help a friend who was having surgery so I wasn't going to see him for a few days. We had plans to see each other at the end of the week but a few days before - he was no where to be found. He didn't answer his phone, didn't return his calls - nothing. Unfortunately, i know he does have a habit to go on these party boy benders with his buddies and that his exactly what happened.Only problem is, I was so hurt that I let my emotions get the better of me and I thought the worst and looked at his phone. That's when I found the texts, the pictures, etc. I was so upset - I woke him up, called him on it and he said it was nothing.  It was someone he had been seeing but it was over. Unfortunately, I was so upset I didn't bother to notice the dates on the messages - they were all old. Being the guy that he is, he just never deleted them. So once he convinced me nothing was going on and he said he would call old girlfriend and tell her not to call because he was now in a relationship and did not want to ruin it, so for her not to contact him. He did all these things.  This all took about a week of repairing. Well last week - Valentine's day to be exact - we went out, had a wonderful time, came home, went to bed and again I couldn't sleep because the day before I had called him several times through the day and he never answered and he never returned my calls. I got a good night text. I let it go because there has been so much emotion and drama going on as it was, I just wanted to give it a rest. Well V-day night we went to bed and I just couldn't sleep. So what did I do? I went and looked at his phone. And what did I find -  a message from naked woman saying she wanted him to do things to her and a text from the ex girlfriend just saying have a good Vday.  I was fuming considering he told me told both of these women he couldn't have contact with them anymore. He did tell me that he has known both women for 15 and 20 years respectively. Additionally, naked lady apparently doesn't care about whether he has a relationship or not and he said that is her presonality.  Well, I decided to text these women from his phone - I sent text to naked lady as him - just saying "look, I told you I am seeing someone, I don't want to do this." I did it because I wanted to see her response - in other words if he really told her to stop she would respond appropriately.  Sure enough, hours later she did text back "I know, I was just kidding LOL."    The ex girlfriend was not so happy because she felt that she had no love interest in him and was just being a friend. So she called him back on the text that I really sent. He is furious with me now, isn't sure if he can trust me for going on his phone because I should have never done it in the first place. He said, I love you, I told you I loved you and you should never have gone on my phone it was wrong. I'm not with any women, I love/loved you. I don't know if I can be with someone that would do something like that. I finally opened myself to someone and you betrayed me. I am so confused.  Was I wrong?  Please help me. I do love him very much and the more I think about things, the more I think I should have believed him.</p>

Yes, you were completely wrong for invading his privacy.

You know and have said in your own words that, quote: " He makes no promises to any woman, makes it clear he doesn't want to be tied down."  Apparently, that includes you, too.  He made absolutely no promises of exclusivity with you, so why would you proceed as if he had?

Nowhere in your post does it say that he has agreed to become exclusive to you alone in his emotions or any where else.  You've done a whole lot of assuming about what his intentions are and where his head is at... it's pointless to debate yourself about where his head is--you have to ask him where it is and you never did.

A couple of good vacations are just that; but once he's home, he's back to doing this thing while you're imagining that you two are emotionally more than what you are.

Now, any reason you may have thought was sound for invading his privacy (they weren't) has been cut off at the knees and now, as far as he's concerned, you're deceitful and that is something he can rightfully hold against you. I am astounded that you would actually pick up his phone and interact with those women pretending to be him--that right there is the nail in the coffin of this relationship.  How can you have thought that was a good idea? Nothing is going to erase that mess.  This might have to be your life lesson learned the hard way. 

Next time, if things aren't adding up, speak up. If in your intuition they still dont' add up, then end the relationship. Don't stoop to deceit because it never works out well in the end.  Life is too short for that level of silliness.  Learn to trust your intuition next time--that way, you never lose the moral high ground.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2013
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 10:52am

Ouch and thanks. The truth hurts. Not that I was looking for someone to tell ME that I had every right. I wanted to hear what you said.  Thanks for being honest, I really do appreciate it.

Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Sat, 02-23-2013 - 11:22pm

Of course you were wrong, you know you were wrong, why are you asking? You snooped, which is a betrayal, and then you started pretending to be him and sending texts in his name. Look, you already knew he was contacting other women, you should act like an adult and stop snooping and deal with HIM not with THEM. I completely understand why he doesn't trust you, and you obviously don't trust him or you wouldn't keep snooping.

Tobermory

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