Things are better but.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Things are better but.......
11
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 5:19pm

I've really listened to many of the posters that gave me their advice/suggestion in my threads and I have really appreciated it. Since I've been initiating affection more, we are a little bit more affectionate. Even my hubby has been initiating affection and it was actually nice having sex the other night. We haven't had sex in about 3 months and when we finially did, I thought things were getting better.

We had a very long discussion; a calm discussion when he got back from his trip. And he stated that just being affectionate isn't just all of it....meaning, just communicating everday. And we don't do that very well. He says "we think different "philosophically". I really have no idea what he means by that and he said he didn't want to explain it because we would end of arguing. I thought just because you think things differently doesn't mean you can't be close, however, he states it does affect it. So, now I'm thinking maybe we can't be close.

There's another thing. We've been both initiated affection these last week. Last night we were watching a movie and he pulled me closer to him. I wrapped my arm around his and for a few minutes I thought "wow, this is really nice"...and then he removes his arms around mine and then just drapes his arm over his chest. I was confused. But I continued watching the movie until it ended. And then after it ended I asked him in a "joking" kind of way, "It was nice to cuddle with you until you moved your arm away" and then he replied "well, your dog was in the way (my dog was nowhere in sight) and then he said "well, my arm was asleep" (there's no way his arm was asleep). So my feelings were hurt.

It seems like my hubby likes to hug and snuggle with his daughter/stepson/my dog longer than he does his own wife. Its like he has a "different" type of affection with me compared to everyone else. I thought "initiating" affection for a week would cure all this distance/tension.

So my question is

1. My hubby thinks we think different "philosophically". How can we communicate better if he thinks this way.

2. Why would he pull away like that?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 5:52pm

"My hubby thinks we think different "philosophically". How can we communicate better if he thinks this way."


Like you, I'm not sure I understand what he means by that and it's hard to give advice about it.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 7:02pm

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My assumption is probably all those that is listed above. For example: We both like golfing very much, but it seems like we don't like golfing together. He has told me I'm not supportive when he hits a bad shot. I disagree, but he already has it in his mind that I'm not supportive. He also stated that now if I start supporting him when he has a bad shot, he's just going to say "yea, right" (because of the fact that he had to mention it). I guess that is one example of thinking "philosophically".

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Like I mentioned in my previous post, it hurt when it "started" to feel good and then BAM, he just moves his arm away. He made me feel like I did something wrong when it was feeling so good. I know you are probably right that I shouldn't analyze it and just appreciate it, but I felt a little bit rejected that it wasn't feeling good to him but me. That to me is not a very good feeling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 11:53pm

Hmmm looks like you can't get rid of me ;-)

He needs support if he hooks a ball into the scrub? Are you serious? That's really weird. Unless someone's a really, really new beginner, they don't get support on the golf course. If that was me and my DH, I'd laugh and enjoy the fact that his score was about to increase.

Moving the arm away? Something similar to that happened on a date I went on once. I snuggled into a guy in the cinema. (We hadn't been dating long). I got a sore back and moved away so that I could sit straight - so as to cause less strain on my back. It turned out that he spent the rest of the movie wondering what he'd done to cause me to move away. Absolutely nothing! The only thing he was guilty of was over analysing. There is no reason to be hurt if someone needs to move to a more comfortable position.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 12:04am

For those who aren't familiar, Casey0201's previous posts can be found here:


I want that loving feeling again
Need some suggestions
My hubby and I have tension








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for jeffkristi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-1998
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 11:25am

Congratulations on things moving in a positive direction.

I can't answer your question about thinking differently philosophically since I'm not sure what he means. If he's saying that one of you is a right-brained, creative thinker and the other is a left-brained logical thinker (I may have the right/left thing backwards, but you get the idea) then there's no reason you can't be close. Instead of worrying about the dfferences, embrace them. Use each other to make yourself more well-rounded. The world would be a pretty dull place if everyone thought alike or even if the only people we were close to thought exactly like us.

As for him pulling his arm away, I agree with iv_aisha2004 in that you may be over analyzing it. Maybe it was just an uncomfortable position or his arm was tired or whatever. Even if it was pulling away like you fear, it's still not all that bad. In one of my previous posts I mentioned not expecting things to get better too quickly. This could be part of the same thing. You 2 have been making strides in the right direction - don't expect everything right away. Things will not always move in a positive direction, but if they are generally going that way then things are good. Think of it like floating on a raft. Sometimes the waves make you go up and sometimes they make you go down, but if the tide is going up at the same time then you are generally going up (even tho there are minor "down" turns). Don't make a big deal out of those lttle downward motions if overall things are on the rise. Does that analogy make sense?

Jeff

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 6:06pm

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Its good to see you post again. Eventhough we have had our difference, I have/do appreciation your responses to my thread.

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Have you ever golfed? Well, it can be a very competitive sport. I do know I am very competitve. I gotta admit that when I do bad, I do like a pick me up when I have a bad shot. And that's all my hubby was implying.

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Ok, maybe I was over anlazying it a bit. However, there is a word called "communication". Why couldn't you have communicated to your date? Just like why couldn't my hubby said "hey honey, my arm is asleep", then I wouldn't have been hurt and I wouldn't have thought all those "initiating" of affection was flushed down the toilet. Please remember one thing....I'm still all new to this initiating of affection. Yea, its only been a week, but it still isn't easy yet.

However, iv_aisha2004, I do get your point.

<>

Yes, it absolutely makes sense. Maybe if it happens again, which I know it will, I will keep this in mind. Maybe if I keep it in mind, it won't hurt my feelings as much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2006
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 6:37pm

As others have said, it's hard to say what your husband meant with that comment about philosophical differences. That's baffling to me.

And also as others have said, the arm thing may have been no big deal. I think right now you're both hyperconscious of initiating affection, and it's easy to read too much into subtle and innocent things when you're both working so hard. Next time he's doing something like that and pulls back, you could speak up, or just take his hand in yours and hold it, or some other gesture, indicating that you liked being close. Maybe he was looking for some reassurance that you were noticing and enjoying the cuddle?

jg

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 11:32pm

>>I thought "initiating" affection for a week would cure all this distance/tension<<

Just a quick note....

This is far too simplistic. First up, you're not going to have to initiate affection for a week to fix this. In order to meet his needs, you're going to have to initiate 50% for the rest of your lives together.

Second, when your husband said "just being affectionate isn't just all of it", he was dead right. In the past, you've referred to the many arguements that the two of you have had. The root causes of your arguements would be the philosophical differences that he refers to. You've only elaborated about 1 arguement so far, so we're not really able to help in identifying what type of differences you have.

Anyway, giving affection is important, but so is learning how to discuss issues without arguing. The distance/tension WILL NOT go away until you've addressed ALL the issues in your marriage.

Lastly, I'd like to bring your attention to your wording about you discussing him moving his arm away. You said "It was nice to cuddle with you until you moved your arm away". Casey, I know you said it in a joking kind of way, but your words are very accusing ..... and very likely to start another arguement. It appears that you're blaming him. There is absolutely no reason to be hurt by him moving to a more comfortable position.

If the same thing should happen again (and you're not in the middle of a fight), ASSUME that he was uncomfortable and cuddle into him in a different position. It's like when you cuddle "spoon position" in bed. One of you gets a sore side, so that person rolls over. So the other partner simply rolls over too.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 11:23am

>> Casey, I know you said it in a joking kind of way, but your words are very accusing.>>

Please explain what I said was "accusing". I don't think it was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 10:36am

>>"It was nice to cuddle with you until you moved your arm away".<<

The better thing would have been to say "I was really enjoying cuddling with you. Is it okay if I cuddle more?" Saying "It was nice UNTIL....." especially if it was because he moved to get comfortable. He probably heard "Well, it was nice and then you had to go and ruin it because you weren't comfortable. Why couldn't you ignore your comfort and just do what I want you to?"

Jen

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