Things are spiralling down

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2005
Things are spiralling down
15
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 5:28pm
I desperately need some help. My BF and I have a long history. We got back together in July and it was bliss. I was so happy I felt like I was living a dream and now I know I was. Since just before Christmas things have been rough. I was nervous around new years b/c last new year(2005) he woke up and told me he didn't love me anymore. He was majorly depressed until June. We started talking again at the end of June and on July 1st we realized we lots of feelings and love for each and decided to give it another try. So around Jan 1, I was getting scared. We made it thru and there still some trust issues but so far so good. I'm starting to believe he won't cheat on me. For the past month, he does less of everything. We are both medics and we only have 2 days off together. We hardly talk, seems like there's nothing to talk about. We call or visit each other at work and we have nothing to say then either. Well I drive 20 min one way to visit him but he doesn't drive to visit me, he calls. He used to text me when he'd leave for work just to tell me he loved me, not often any more. He used to come home from work and hug me and hold me while I made supper, made me feel so good, like he really loved me so much. Ya that doesn't happen any more at all. I watch his texts and they're all accounted for, so I really don't think there's anyone else. Last night I packed half of my things in front of him. Things are so bad here lately. Argue and sit across from each other all the time. Last night no different. He went to pick up his 3 y/o son but he didn't want to come for a visit. So BF comes home sad so I wanted to be there for him so instead he leaves. Goes to his friends house says "for a bit", he came home 2 1/2 hrs later. I had to go to work today so he wasn't going to see me at all but he leaves anyway. I was in bed when he got home but mad as heck. He had been drinking and he was stoned. Normally I don't care about him doing both of those b/c it's so rare. My beef is that he knew I was upset when he left and he left anyway, then he comes home in a condition that we can't talk about anything. He son came over today, he just a little spoiled and his cousin was there so he didn't want to leave. Everything was fine. As for us, I don't know. He says he doesn't feel like he can talk to me. I said maybe we need time apart so he can figure out his life and he said ya maybe that was a good idea. Wow, that hit me hard. I want to move on and find someone who will love me unconditionally but I really want this man and I want to love him forever. I love him so much but I don't feel he loves me like he says. I think he feels differently inside and won't say. He tells me he wants to take care of me forever and he wants children with me but his actions speak differently. Then there's the possiblity that I'm giving this good man a hard time b/c I'm an endless pit of needs. I don't want to be needy and always wanting more. Any lack of attention from him and I think he's ready to tell me he doesn't love me again. I feel like things are heading the same way but maybe I'm paranoid b/c I've lived it and it hurt so bad. I really feel like I'm losing my mind. I have therapy on Mar 2 for the first time and he says he'll go.
Please help

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 7:52pm

Welcome back Medic4life ~ I'm in the middle of the usual "Saturday marathon" (shopping, shuttling kids back and forth, etc.) stopped back at home to drop off purchases and took a peek at the board just before heading back out the door. Of course I recognized you as soon as I peeked in. I'm not able to get to respond to your post now, but I wanted to provide the link to your previous post as soon as I could so that others who might be able to get to your post before I do can get a better feel for your situation and history and as a result be better able to offer thoughts and suggestions that fit your actual situation and can be more helpful to you.

You might read through your old post too, many find reading their old posts very helpful and enlightening; they’re able to see situations more clearly than they could when they were in the middle of them and are able to see improvement – or lack of – in their situations. I hope you find it as enlightening as many do:

Need advice

I'll be back as soon as I can!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 1:40am

Hi Medic4life

before I answer, there are a number of points that I'd like some clarification on.

Firstly, the issue of cheating. You say that you're starting to believe that he won't cheat on you and you also admit to spying on his text messages (making sure that they're all accounted for). However, I don't recall any mention of him cheating in the past. So, what's the story? Does he have a history of cheating or are you carrying baggage?

Why did you suggest time apart if you don't want to break up? I find it strange that you should suggest it but you were surprised and "hit hard" when he agreed it may be a good idea.

You wrote "He says he doesn't feel like he can talk to me" and his actions certainly back up his statement. Has he explained why doesn't he feel like he can talk to you? If not, have you got any guesses why he feels this way?

What about your "endless pit of needs". Just how needy are you and to what extent is your neediness damaging the relationship?

You wrote "I have therapy on Mar 2 for the first time and he says he'll go". From the way you wrote this sentence, I'm assuming that it's individual therapy for you (not couples therapy). If I am correct, why is he going along? Considering what you wrote about being needy, wouldn't it be wiser for you and the therapist to tackle your individual issues without him. Are you are aware that you can't resolve issues in this relationship until you have healed from your past?

My gut instinct when reading your message is that he's already checked out of the relationship but for whatever reason, hasn't formally ended it. However, perhaps some more info from you will clarify my assumption somewhat.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2005
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 6:05am
Well to explain more, he does have a past. He was married and cheated on his wife many times. Says he doesn't know why he married her, he wasn't in love with her.
That last sentence you said hurts, do you really think he has checked out? God I hope that isn't true. I think I say we should take a break to hear him say we're ok and we're going thru rough times. I want to hear from him we'll be ok. But maybe the truth is we aren't. The therapy session was made for him and I, couple therapy. He said he doesn't know what he's thinking any more. That scares me. I want this to work out. I love him so much. I cry all the time b/c I'm scared it's over. I know if this relationship isn't healthy then it should end but that hurts so bad. He says he doesn't feel open to talk to me anymore. He won't say if I reacted bad to him or not. I'm needy in the sense that I like to hear that he loves me and won't leave me again like last time. I like it when he comes home and hugs me, gives me a kiss and is happy to be home with me. Maybe I'm depressed. I'm irritable all the time, I cry at the drop of a hat and the least little obscure look from him and I think he's thinking how much he's disgusted by me. I know it's not rational or even like me at all to think this way. Please tell me there's a way to make things good again. I REALLY love this man. I don't want him to be perfect, just love me and adore me like he says but his actions are so different.
HELP
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 4:24pm

thanks for your response - I'm getting a much clearer picture.

Can I ask two more questions? I know that all these questions seem such a pain, but these two will hopefully give both you and us some serious insight.

First of all, what do you love about him? Yes, this is a serious question and please give me as many reasons as you possibly can. Take as much space as you like to answer this one. Based on what you've written, I'm not seeing a whole lot to love.....and I'm wondering if you're still in love with the idea of what 'used to be' rather than what you've got now.

Second, how does he make you feel good about yourself? For instance, my DH makes me feel good inside because I know he wants to spend most of his free time with me and the kids. He makes me feel good because he listens to me and respects my opinions. He makes me feel good because when I'm an idiot he will laugh with me instead of rolling his eyes. For that matter, we often laugh together about different things and this makes me feel good too.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2005
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 5:01pm
Hi, I do worry that maybe I'm in love with who he used to be. He used to be so considerate to me and not that he's always not considerate but sometimes he could be more. He said he knows he doesn't go out of his way to do things all the time but he feels that he does most. My fear is that maybe he does most of the time but I'm freaking out b/c he doesn't all the time. I love how we can be crazy together, he never makes fun of me, when I'm a little crazy he's ok with it. I'm ok when he's a little crazy too. I love how he holds me, he smiles at me, he cooks me supper, he does lots of housework and I never ask, he holds my hand often. All of these things are less frequent now than before so I see this as him pulling back. I love how he is proud of me, I'm a level higher than him as a paramedic and he's really ok with that. It means he has to take orders from me at times but he's never upset about that. He always hugs me at the end and tells me I did a good job. He thinks he's got SAD, seasonal affective disorder. I believe it's true some days. When it's sunny he's good. He tells me things will get better when spring rolls around. I truly hope so, it's wearing me down. He makes me feel good when he comes home and gives me a hug, tells me he loves me , then a kiss. It used to be every time he came into the house and now it's less often. Now it seems like he's trying, like he's forcing himself to do it, not b/c he wants to. But maybe I'm just being too klingy or needy or wanty! New vocabulary eh? I don't know if that ans your question. We've had lots of arguements and each time it changed us. I'm an assertive woman generally and I like to get things done. He is more passive and that usually sparks an arguement, oh byw, our arguements are usually me saying what I think is going wrong and he sits there and ignores me. So I get frustrated and leave the room. Wed night I lost my temper really bad and he hurt me by coming home stoned and drunk when he knows we're having rough times. Doesn't that show lack of respect for me for him to do that. Now 6 months ago I would have put him to bed and then the next day, sat down with him to talk but now I just lose it and then I'm ashamed and sorry for how I've acted. I need therapy badly. I'm selfish because I want to go to therapy alone without him. I want to fix me but we should be able to fix us both together, what do you guys think? Thanks a bunch. Just talking to you and telling my thoughts, getting someone to respond to what I say gives me great stress relief. Talking or whining, I mean to talk not whine. He is a good man. How can things go from being heaven like to this?
Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 12:12am

Wanting to go through therapy on your own without him is smart, not selfish. If you have issues that need to be dealt with that go beyond the relationship (and have been issues before the relationship) it's important to clear those up, and to do that you need individual therapy, not couples. You can't effectively work on the relationship in couples counseling if there are issues that are yours alone that need to be addressed.


Can you give us a timeline of how long you've been together? You mentioned getting back together in July, how long were you together as a couple before that? Sorry for more questions, but it will help ~







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 5:31am

I'm with 2nd-life on the therapy thing.

From what you write, I believe that you've got your own problems that needs solving as well as relationship issues. I can see some things where you probably are too needy and I can see other things where he's probably not giving enough. The therapy will help you clarify which problems are caused by your insecurities and which are caused by relationship issues.

And for the record, him coming home drunk and stoned was disrespectful, but you were also disrespectful when you lost your temper at him. He may well have done what he did BECAUSE you lost your temper at him. (Personally, I do not tolerate anyone raising their voice at me) But the unanswered question remains "why did you loose your temper?"

You wrote "our arguements are usually me saying what I think is going wrong and he sits there and ignores me". Out of curiousity, when you raise the issue of what is going wrong, how do you word it? Could your approach be the problem? Could you be faulting the relationship too often? Or perhaps you are trying to change him in ways that he does not wish to change? Just looking for potential reasons that he would not be responsive when you raise an issue.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2005
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 5:45pm
Sorry it's been days, real busy with work and other things. we got back together in July. We weren't really together to be honest. We are both the result of affairs. I bow my head in shame. I was a coward and instead of leaving my marriage the right way or more of the right way I had an affair. We worked together and still do. I knew him to always be flirtacious but never thought he was the kind of guy to do anything. Then like I said, I was a coward and after realizing my marriage was a fake, done only to please my family, I decided to have an affair. No reason in the world makes what I've done right but it's done and I've learned. He was married as well. I was thousands of miles away studying when I decided to email him and it started from there. The first time we hooked up was Christmas eve, 2003. At first just email stuff and we'd meet when I'd come home from school but when I moved home permanently then it was more often. Then I ended my marriage and he ended his 3 months later. That was in 2005 and Jan 1, 2006 he told me he didn't love me that he thought he could fix his marriage for his son. Anyway, that is our history. The 6 months after all that I didn't see him at all, he went on stress leave until June.
I think I'm starting to get it. This man does not stack up very well. The first 3 yrs of his relationship with the ex were the only yrs out of 16 that he was faithful. He just told me last night while he was stoned of 2 other women he slept with while married. So why do I think I am so special that he won't do it to me? Truth is I don't think I'm that special or miraculous to do that. He claims all the time he won't cheat but he's late coming home from work tonight and when I called he said he was late cause he was getting my b-day gift. I don't believe that for a minute. Maybe he stopped on the side of the road to make a 5-10 minute phone call to someone else like he used to do to me. I read my other posts and it's getting clearer. But what if?????????
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 12:31am

What if what? What if he is cheating, what if he isn't or what if something else entirely???


I'm sorry, but I'm not clear, you said you ended your marriage in 2005 and he ended his three months later, but didn't say when in 2005 those things occurred. How long were you together before he went back to his wife in January 2006?


It seems like you've made a big switch from the beginning of your post, you started saying you were sure he wasn't cheating, but here it sounds like you're pretty suspicious that he is.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2005
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 11:21am
some times I think he is but then other times I don't. Maybe I think cheating b/c I don't trust that he's honest with me about how he feels. Last night we sat on the sofa for 3 hrs and he didn't talk to me. How can we have nothing to talk about. It seems strange but maybe that's normal I don't know. When he got home he explained why he was late and it made sense that it would take that long if he did those things. He's never cheated on me so I guess I'm just suspicious b/c of his past. He swears that he would never hurt another living soul like that again. He says he'll tell me he's lost it for me before he'd cheat on me. More and more I believe we aren't suited and even more than that I think the problem is me. Thursday night I'm going to therapy and I think I'll go alone. He has issues but it's not up to me to bring him there to work on them. he knows the door is open and it's up to him to go. If he doesn't want to fix himself then it's his choice. I'm gonna fix me and see what happens.
Thanks to everyone who wrote. You've made me think about a lot things. Your questions have been helpful. I have no one here to talk to.
oh and to ans your question, my ex and I split in Aug 2005 and he left his wife in Nov. we were only really together 2 months but had talked and shared things everyday since Aug.

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