Things are spiralling down

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2005
Things are spiralling down
15
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 5:28pm
I desperately need some help. My BF and I have a long history. We got back together in July and it was bliss. I was so happy I felt like I was living a dream and now I know I was. Since just before Christmas things have been rough. I was nervous around new years b/c last new year(2005) he woke up and told me he didn't love me anymore. He was majorly depressed until June. We started talking again at the end of June and on July 1st we realized we lots of feelings and love for each and decided to give it another try. So around Jan 1, I was getting scared. We made it thru and there still some trust issues but so far so good. I'm starting to believe he won't cheat on me. For the past month, he does less of everything. We are both medics and we only have 2 days off together. We hardly talk, seems like there's nothing to talk about. We call or visit each other at work and we have nothing to say then either. Well I drive 20 min one way to visit him but he doesn't drive to visit me, he calls. He used to text me when he'd leave for work just to tell me he loved me, not often any more. He used to come home from work and hug me and hold me while I made supper, made me feel so good, like he really loved me so much. Ya that doesn't happen any more at all. I watch his texts and they're all accounted for, so I really don't think there's anyone else. Last night I packed half of my things in front of him. Things are so bad here lately. Argue and sit across from each other all the time. Last night no different. He went to pick up his 3 y/o son but he didn't want to come for a visit. So BF comes home sad so I wanted to be there for him so instead he leaves. Goes to his friends house says "for a bit", he came home 2 1/2 hrs later. I had to go to work today so he wasn't going to see me at all but he leaves anyway. I was in bed when he got home but mad as heck. He had been drinking and he was stoned. Normally I don't care about him doing both of those b/c it's so rare. My beef is that he knew I was upset when he left and he left anyway, then he comes home in a condition that we can't talk about anything. He son came over today, he just a little spoiled and his cousin was there so he didn't want to leave. Everything was fine. As for us, I don't know. He says he doesn't feel like he can talk to me. I said maybe we need time apart so he can figure out his life and he said ya maybe that was a good idea. Wow, that hit me hard. I want to move on and find someone who will love me unconditionally but I really want this man and I want to love him forever. I love him so much but I don't feel he loves me like he says. I think he feels differently inside and won't say. He tells me he wants to take care of me forever and he wants children with me but his actions speak differently. Then there's the possiblity that I'm giving this good man a hard time b/c I'm an endless pit of needs. I don't want to be needy and always wanting more. Any lack of attention from him and I think he's ready to tell me he doesn't love me again. I feel like things are heading the same way but maybe I'm paranoid b/c I've lived it and it hurt so bad. I really feel like I'm losing my mind. I have therapy on Mar 2 for the first time and he says he'll go.
Please help

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 10:49pm

While you were sitting on the couch, did you try to engage him in conversation? Have you talked to him about your concerns about what's happening in your relationship? I'm hoping you aren't just sitting back and waiting to see what he does.


Something that may be at play here is the amount of time you've been together. If you only spent two months together before he went back to his wife and have been together seven months now, you're in the stage of the relationship where you're learning about each other, and what may be happening is that you're both realizing this isn't the right relationship for you. I know you've known him for quite a while before you began a relationship with him, but that doesn't let you know who they are at home, "in real life". How someone appears in the workplace or in conversation and and actually being in a relationship with them can be very different, they can prove to be completely different than it seemed they would be. It may be that the reality of who you're actually in a relationship with is just being discovered. It's also possible that you've both gotten yourselves into a place where you're both in a defensive, antagonistic place, not willing to try to resolve your problems. I think seeing a counselor is the right way to go, I think it will help clear up a lot.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2005
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 2:44pm
Bf and I are done. I've been crying since 11 am and it's not 340pm. I found evidence this morning to my worst fears. After I calmed down I asked him about it and he just rubbed his head. He said it wasn't what I thought but he couldn't explain it either. I've been upset since and he hasn't walked over to me once or spoken to me at all. I left for a while to take a drive and he didn't know I was gone. I have no place to go right away so I'll have to endure this until I find a place. Thank you all for everything. I know the pain will get better with time. My best to all of you.
Robin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 2:57pm

Sweetie, what happened?








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2005
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 9:45pm
Hi
I found kleenex that would have used, well you know. It wasn't used to blow his nose. I asked if he just needed 'lone' time but he said it's not that but can't explain it. I'm tired of not knowing all the time. Every day waking up and wondering if he'll look me in the face again anytime soon and say I don't love you any more or that he's lost it for me and that there's someone else. Dr. PHIL says the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. He says he's a different man and he did that to her b/c he didn't love her but he had a child with her so I don't think it was that bad. But I'm staying here to let it get like that, 2 kids later and 10 yrs invested just to find out he's had someone like he had me, for 2 yrs or more. I'll never get involved in anything like that for the rest of my life. He says he'll do anything. He said if the therapy appt fit his agenda better he'd go. Not too long ago he said he would go. Last night he told me I needed to go alone and fix my problems. When I asked him what ownership he had in our relationship going sour and he said none. He also said he has nothing to go to the therapist for, he was ONLY going to support me in getting help. Wow eh? he feels he has no problems at all. Oh well he can live in denial all he wants but he's going to live there alone. I do have problems and I'm going to fix them, but at least I know it. I'm sad but it's ok.
robin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 11:14pm

Robin, I'm so sorry, It sounds though, like he's making himself perfectly clear in what he's saying and with that, your relationship and your future with him are just as perfectly clear. Based on his statements, and your apprehension about this whole relationship, I'd say you're much better off to do just what you're doing. Go to counseling to work on you and move on to find a relationship that involves two people who are invested in facing and working through problems in a healthy, intelligent manner.


You're right, you will get through this. I know it's hard, but you know what? I think it will get easier faster than you think it will. With as much concern and uncertainty you had about him and your relationship I think you're going to find that being out of it feels like a huge relief. Are you still living with him? Getting outta there will help immensely; until you do I think the pain isn't going to subside at all. If I can offer you a book to cuddle up with (as in get out of there, cuddle up on a couch in your comfortable jammies, a blanket/pillow and a bowl of ice cream (or whatever your comfort food of choice is) and read “Exorcising Your Ex : How to Get Rid of the Demons of Relationships Past” by Elizabeth Kuster . It's tongue-in-cheek, will make you smile and will also help you feel like you're not the only one in the world going through this stuff.


Huge hugs, Robin.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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