Think I overreacted a little?
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Think I overreacted a little?
| Fri, 11-11-2005 - 8:01pm |
This is my first time posting, but I have been on here before reading other's problems and solutions. I don't even know if I'm posting this in the correct area. I feel like I'm going to get some flack for this, and I'm sure I need it, but here it goes. I started a fight last night, one that probably never needed to exist. My BF's ex informed me that her roommate was moving out and to let her know if I know of anyone looking for a room. I brought this up to my BF just in general conversation, you know, so I heard Blah Blah Blah, this that and the other. Then he informed me that she asked him if he wanted to rent the room, and then he informed me that, although he told her no right away, he did later consider the pros and cons. Ok fine, but what the kicker for me was, was that the two cons he told me were 1) if he wanted alone time with their daughter, the ex would end up hogging all the time and 2) his ex hasn't changed, "she's still the same person." Why would anyone consider living with their ex? I just found his cons to be a bit insulting. And maybe I'm hurt that he thought what he did, especially after what his ex has put us through in the past (evil, scheming, immature stuff). He says his first thoughts were on how it would affect him and their daughter and he didn't get far enough in his thought process to think about how it would effect his and my relationship. Regardless, I am still baffled. Anyway, I've probably gone on too long, but I need some feed back. If you are a single parent, who lives half an hour away from your child and the driving back and forth for visitation exchanges is starting to takes its toll on you and your car, would you consider moving in with your ex to be with your child? I for one don't think I would, but I am childless. Was it wrong for me to be upset that he thought about it and then came up with the cons that he did?

She called and asked you if you all knew anybody to rent her extra room, but she had already asked him if he wanted to rent the room (do you two live together now?).
You confront him knowing that you are already bothered by it, he responds obviously thinking that you were open to the conversation and he was honest about his thought process.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
How long have you two been together?
How old is the daughter?
How long were him and the ex together?
It certainly does appear that she was trying to stir up trouble, though I'm sure she'd say she was simply checking every avenue she had in looking for a replacement roommate. I think you got your feelings hurt and you need a little clarification.
A couple of things come to mind as to your boyfriend's response.
You asked if we'd be willing to move in with our ex's to be closer to our children....depends. Does he work in the city his ex lives (if he's trading driving 1.5 hours to work twice a day for seeing his child, that's not workable)? Does he live with you? I could see, if you're in a much better (happier) place than your ex and are in a happy, healthy relationship how living with your ex and flaunting it in front of them would seem appealing....for about three seconds before you realized the crap you'd have to put up with (the stuff that drove you nuts to begin with) to live with your ex -- nothing would be worth that!
I know you didn't ask for this, but I think you might be able to resolve this issue by telling him you were hurt to think he'd consider moving in with his ex (explain why, ask how he'd feel if you indicated to him you were considering the same). If he can understand your response was due to hurt, surprised, threatened feelings he'll likely understand and you'll be able to talk your way through this.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Greetings,
This isnt totally black and white.
Personally I think a half hour drive isnt that bad, its fairly close.
In your situation it would seem very strange for him to live with the ex considering she seems to creat alot of problems. I would not move in with an ex.
I also think you could give him the benifit of a doubt, mayby he didnt get far enough in his thought process to consider how it would effect your relationship (I know it happens between me and my gf once in awhile when things go to fast). However if is something reocurring and you feel him to be incosiderat otherwis, I guess that would change my answer.
Troy
Wow, a lot more comforting responses than I had anticpated. I was almost afraid to check back : ). We have been together for a year and a half and don't live together. The daughter will be 3 in January and him and his ex were together for about 4 years, married for about 1.5. No, a half hour drive is not much to cry about, but on the days he picks her up after work, it does take him about 1.5 to 2 hours to get home. Dirextor, you probably are right, she probably is up to her old tricks, but honestly I'm so naive, I can't even see it most of the time and my BF is so naive that he sees it less than I do. She is an extremely caniving person and I forget that sometimes. The only Pros I'm aware of were that he would be close to his little girl and me (I'm about 10 min away from her home).
cl-2nd_life,you said "I've certainly had plenty of fleeting thoughts that might be better described as a visualization of what the act would look like (in his situation, moving in with his ex) that don't really represent what my decision would be.." Yes, we all do this, I do it everday, but it is certainly difficult to realize this when all you can see is red. I know he was just sharing with me, but you honestly cannot share EVERY thought with your significant other.
You have all given me great insight, and I'm sure if I approach it the way you suggest, cl, he will understand. I was hurt by his thoughts, but also completely baffled at them and that he would admit to something so ridiculous. I also really need to stop forgetting how tricky Ms. Ex can be.
I understand you feeling too naive to see through her tricks, sometimes it's hard to recognize plotting and other deceitful behavior when it's so foreign to anything you'd consider at all -- you just don't expect people to do things like that! And I totally understand not seeing that he may have been "thinking with his mouth open" as I like to call it. When you're upset you're far from your best as far as having the ability to give the benefit of the doubt and be open minded. It's entirely possible too that what I suggested isn't what he was doing, and I have to say, Lilcg, if he is/was in any way, shape or form truly considering moving in with her again, considering that she's conniving, manipulative and has caused a lot of trouble I would see that as a huge red warning flag about this guy. I would have serious doubts about moving forward with a guy who'd seriously consider such a thing in consideration of his experience with her. You'd have to have no self-awareness or self-protection qualities at all to willingly walk back into that. It would cause me to be very leery about a relationship with him and I'd be watching pretty closely for more/other indicators of poor choices. Yes, the argument could be made that living with his daughter would be very tempting, but he already said he realized his ex would hog all that time; if that's the case, living apart would give him more time with her.
If you're ten minutes away from his ex, why doesn't he just look for a place closer to both of you?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
you write: "f you are a single parent, who lives half an hour away from your child and the driving back and forth for visitation exchanges is starting to takes its toll on you and your car, would you consider moving in with your ex to be with your child? I for one don't think I would, but I am childless."
when I was in that situation, what I did was move nearby into my own place so that she and I could be closer to her dad so we both could be involved in her life. It was easier to pick her up from daycare at the time, take her to school, etc. But move in with him? No way.