thinking about the past

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
thinking about the past
20
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 7:49am

I was not sure where I could post this because it is not really a problem in my current relationship but I think there is no other place so I hope to get some advice on here

I am currently in a loving marriage, it's only been 6 months. He is very good to me, hardworking, loving, everything that I wanted in a husband. Before him I was in a 6 year relationship with a man, we lived together and I always thought that I would be married to him (sooo glad that never happened). He was very emotionally abusive, had no motivation for anything, smoked marijuhana everyday. All these things came to light maybe after 3 years in a relationship, by that time we lived together and I was too attached. I kept on giving him a chance after chance and finally about two years ago I decided to move out because I knew there was no future there for me. We broke up but still talked and I saw him maybe two times after that, we had sex and then I knew for sure that I did not want to be with anymore. I told him that I was done for now and needed time alone, I wanted to go travelling. He asked me if I will give him another chance in the future if he changes, I said maybe but I really wanted to focus on myself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 8:53am

I don't think there is any harm thinking of an ex once in a while as he was part of your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 9:05am

I actually think it's pretty common to feel this way. Your life is in a much better place, you are generally very happy, and you feel even a small amount of guilt over a person who was clearly disturbed. You moved on and are happy for it, but he never healed. I imagine that you pity him in some way. I would, too. He is mentally ill and now that you're finally in a happier life, you see how small he really is.

I know you believe that the best thing you ever did was leaving that relationship, and it's true. It helps to reiterate that to yourself. I wonder if maybe you will consider therapy to talk these feelings out. I don't think you're abnormal at all, I just think it's really common to reevaluate past chapters when you have moved on to a new one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 2:19pm

I do feel relieved that I made a choice to leave him but sometimes I think that I gave him false hope that we will get back together in the future. I know it is hard to understand that I would feel bad but I do and that is my problem and maybe that is why he pops in my mind. I did apologize to him for not telling him first and that he had to find out from a friend because not matter how hard our relationship was, it was still 6 years of my life and we went through a lot together. I don't know why I apologized, I did nothing wrong but I felt at the moment it was right because he was crying.

You are right, I need some closure but unfortunately I don't have access to a therapist at the moments as I am overseas and are yet to find a therapist that speaks english and is affordable, my italian is not that good to do therapy in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 2:26pm

Thank you. And I am not so much worried about if I am over the relationship, I just find it annoying that I would even think of him. Sometimes I tend to compare him to my husband, in a sense if my husband does something nice for me, I would think how my ex never did that. Ahh so annoying but definitely happy where I am right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 4:37pm

The guilt you feel is toward yourself and the abuse you put yourself through by staying and you are simply transferring it to something related to his welfare because it is easier to swallow than self loathing. We all prefer to see ourselves in a positive light over a negative one.

Admit your role, forgive yourself, and I doubt he will even cross your mind again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 7:08pm

I am not sure what you mean Glen...I don't feel guilty for staying and I definitely do not self-loath. The only thing I feel guilty about is that I did not tell him personally because everything happened too fast. I am not sure if I understood your comment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 9:28pm

sounds like you didnt get enough closure on this.. why not write out a long letter to ex and pour out what you would want to say to him on paper.. Then read it a hundred times and then burn it..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 12:27am

Writing a letter is such a good idea....just to get emotions out. Thank

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 12:22pm

Since such projections occur to protect the ego, I would not expect it to make sense to you as that same filter which

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 7:35pm

what ?

I have an idea that we are fooled by our ego but are you saying to associate pain with ego??

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