Is time all he needs

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Is time all he needs
4
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 8:03pm
I am 19 years old and yes I know that is young. I have a boyfriend who is 23. We have talked about everything from kids to marriage,all of it. I at the start of our relationship I made him end a friendship with and ex girlfriend. Everytime a girl came to be his friend I made him "just say no". Now he and I's rela is kinda weird it just doesn't feel right. He says he feels that at one point he felt he was just down right rude to me. I seperated with him before so that I could see if he was what I needed a while back. I dated someone else. He is the one. I now am always with him I sleep in his bed at night, I travel with he and his fam, I eat with his fam almost everynight, I am to be in his sisters wedding ,we never part. Now he says he needs to find him self again and that means being able to be out with friend female friends. I can't sleep over except on weekends now We now write in journals everyday about how we feel and we are to read a poem to each other every Sat. I am not cool with this "new way" and don't want to run him off or make him cheat what do i do with this year and a half rela. That was the first of it. Now he is taking space but with his friend D I'll call him. D he is 23 or somthing like that is married and his wife 21 or 23 has a single friend that now lives with them. My boyfriend is there all the time he even spends the night. I feel like he is cheating but I don't want to believe that. Yesterday I was upset and went to talk to him I was crying and mad he ws angry too. He then said that he had to go to the movies wth none other then that trio. He came back only after he had really tried to go (he was actually at the movies. I told him I couldn't understand how he could leave me in such a state to go have fun. He says that I have been clingy and annoying to him lately and he needed to get away from me. He says he really wants us to work he has even told his mom that I am her daughter-in -law. We have agreed now to not speak for a month but he is still over D's house all the time. I am scared what do I do now? Does he really just need time or is he looking for somthing more?

Please help


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 5:34am
There is nothing for you to do except relax and stop being so insecure. To forbid your boyfriend from having female friends is ridiculous and is an act of insecurity and jealousy which suggests that you are not operating from a position of strength. Instead of worrying about what your boyfriend is doing, concentrate on yourself and your own life. If your boyfriend sees you thriving and doing well in your own life, this will make you an even more attractive package - men love confident women and if you are busy taking care of yourself and your future in a positive way, your boyfriend will see that and want to be with that.

On the other hand, nothing you do - no amount of begging or pleading will stop your boyfriend from cheating if that's what he wants to do. This is where trust comes in, and trust is a choice. Your boyfriend has said many things that suggest that he is happy and in love with you - until he TELLS you otherwise, why not choose to believe him? Jealousy and insecurity aren't particularly attractive qualities and will simply drive your boyfriend away over time.

Take this time to discover yourself, to be all that you can be in your own life and to see what opportunities are out there for you personally. As I said before, there is nothing more sexy and attractive then a woman who knows herself, knows what she wants and has confidence in herself. Work on the jealousy and insecurity issues and allow your boyfriend the space he needs.

I wish you all the best.

Peace & Love, Pebbles xox

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 10:59am
I am going through a similar situation. My boyfriend and i decided to have a 2 week time apart because things were getting out of hand. if you continue to be insecure and jealouss and too worrisome, it will drive him away. my boyfriend told me my emotional problems were starting to affect him. we already decided we wanted to remain together but need to work on some issues with each other. in july we have to tell each other how we felt throughout the time apart and work on what we have to do to make it better. i have jealousy and insecure issues just like you, he has alot of female friends but you have to understand he only loves you, he is the one you cares about you. his female friends are just that... friends. i have realized this in the 2 days my boyfriend and i havent talked. time to yourself is good. i say let each other have their space....not breaking up just dont hang around each other much. get your self together. thats what i am trying to do, i have a journal and everything to help myself grow. i was going to counseling anyway so that should help too. so when we meet again, my boyfriend and i can sit down and just work it out with clear minds. we been together a little over a yea and both 19 and young too but we can work it out because we love each other very much. good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 5:24pm
Girl thank you everyone is tellin me this and that. Even my mom has planted the seed that he is cheating. I am scared and young thank u for replying,and giving encouraging advice. I know we've got to work through things and so does he I guess i've got to live. But man this is hard I think we can help each other.stay in touch my email is lablackdy@aol.com or lablackdy2000@yahoo.com. Write I think eventhough we don't know each other we can be eaach other support through this
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 8:16pm
If I am the only person you listen to... please let it be me. I am 22 and my husband is 19, we are young, we have been together two and a half years. I very well may have just ruined my marriage over the things you are telling me. Being jealous of friends that are girls, wanting to be with him constantly. If you want it to work let him go. I may have found that out too late. And I love my husband more than anything. I couldn't bare the thought of life without him. And now he is telling me the next few weeks will decide our relationship.. whether he can stand to work this out with me or not because the feelings just are there anymore. My obsessiveness. Get help. Go to someone if you feel alone or scared you are losing him. Hell, even get some medication. They just put me on paxil today, and hopefully that and time will heal our marriage if its already not too late. Don't wait until last minute to realize that you are wrong as well as him. He shouldn't push you off like that, but you have to realize he is a human being who needs interaction from people other than just you. Its unhealthy and he will end up like my husband. Resenting you for it. Don't let it happen!!