Tiny update

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Tiny update
2
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 5:29pm

I'm back. As I told you, you're the only support I have right now and difficult as it is I need support, support, support!
I'm still shocked at how transparent my life was to you all. For the first time in 12 years of a relationship were "we always do what I want", I realised my H manipulates me. God! How blind can I be?
Now my H decided he needs to go to therapy to solve his problems (he didn't last one day without internet, by the way). He didn't blame me, but I noticed he was trying to hide his frustration when I didn't have any reaction to his "efforts".
I told him that my instincts were the only thing that never deceived me so I'm trusting them now and they tell me something is still "fishy" in his story and I'm not living like that anymore.
He told me that maybe it was easier if we weren't in the same house because he didn't want to be without me so it would force him to work on this (we don't really have money for him to be somewhere else right now, it's really bad timing) and I told him to do what he had to do. It felt great to "act strong" but inside I'm torn. I know there's little chance he'll change and it hurts to be hopeful.

I'm going to drown my sorrows in a bucket of ice cream now ;-)
"See" you tomorrow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: i_dontknow
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 7:03pm

For those who aren't familiar with I_dontknow's situation, you can find her previous post here:


Tiny update








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: i_dontknow
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 3:36am

I_dontknow, I'm sorry it took me so long to get here. I had personal business after work, which put me way behind in getting here.


I just posted a response to your other post, and in that I've told you some things about my life that I think you might relate to, especially as it applies to you feeling "blind". I also understand how realization of the facts can come so quickly and so clearly, and how absolutely stunning and obvious they can be, it makes you just speechless that you didn't see it all along. My situation was different than yours, but similar in that I didn't see what was so very obvious. This is so incredulously that it's embarrassing, but I'll tell you anyway. When I realized the truth about my situation I'd been struggling in it for 17 years. I remember clearly the moment I realized the truth. I was thinking about the time I was trying to get back to, the time when we'd been happy and things had been good. As I thought about that time it dawned on me that the time I was focused on had been a two-week period that happened ten years prior. The moment I realized that, I also realized that nothing was going to change, not ever. I swear, it felt like an epiphany, it was that kind of realization. I'd been so blind (so focused on each incident, each issue, each day) that I'd failed to see how much time had passed, and when I took a step back and looked at the whole picture, I didn't see one incident, then another one incident, I saw a pattern, a cycle, the same thing happening again and again. An awful time, followed by a good time (which made me think "getting back to good" was possible), followed by a tense time, then back to bad. Before that I'd seen good times, which gave me hope and encouragement, bad times, which I looked at as a "slip" after him trying so hard during the good time (how can you leave when someone's trying, and how can you not continue to support them when they've had a "slip" after doing so well for a while?). Never had I looked at the whole. Never had I put any thought into how much time was passing. You may feel incredulous that we saw what you didn't, but it's not such a surprise. I completely get it.


Your husband's realization that he has a problem and his decision to get help. Exactly what does he believe his problem is, and what does he base his belief on? How did he come to believe he had a problem? What kind of therapy is he planning to get? What actions is he taking to get the therapy? These are important questions. I hate to say it, but I want you to know that it wouldn't be at all uncommon if his "realization" and decision to get help are excuses to keep you from leaving rather than any kind of real desire to change himself. It's also possible that he truly wants to change, but typically, those kinds of desires come from a deep unhappiness and dislike for what one is doing, not because they got caught. Getting caught is more likely to result in acting like they want to change to keep their partner from leaving.


You're handling him very, very well with what you're saying and how you're acting. I know it's not easy. I know it's hard to see past the hurt, the pain, the betrayal and the hope, but one way or another, it will be better for you. Seeing a therapist yourself to help you deal with this is very important. You're going through a lot, and you need some help. I hope you do that for yourself.


It may sound silly, but diving into a bucket of ice cream is just the thing to do. Being good to yourself is really important when you're dealing with a betrayal like this. At a time when you feel crushed, wounded, stunned, raw, numb, you name it, it's especially important to being good to yourself. Giving yourself little things that spell "treat" to you strokes you, tells you you're important. It soothes you, and it does a ton to make you feel better about yourself. Seems silly, but it's very effective.


Huge hugs, I_dontknow, I'll be back tomorrow.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"