tired of his lack of time

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
tired of his lack of time
7
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 12:05am
Hello, I don't know what to do, i'm probably overreacting, but i hate that my boyfriend soon to be husband spends most of this time at work, we been having a lot of discussions about this, and i want to stop, but i cant i get so desperate that i end up figthing and demanding him time, and i know he's all tired and stressed out 'cause of his work, but it wasnt like this a few months ago, and I'm very insecure, and sometimes i think that he might be cheating on me, but then again i dont think so. We live apart so we dont see each other to sleep, and we're not making love as we used to, 'cause his tired and when he comes to see me he falls asleep, and i get upset about that, and he's not as affectionate with me like he was, he doenst have small details with me like he used to, i know he loves me and really cares about me, but sometimes i feel unloved 'cause of his lack of time and attention, maybe i'm just too needy, and i just want to stop feeling upset and stop the fighting 'cause that is going to damage my relationship, if it hastn already. I think i need help, dont know what to do
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 12:47am

Welcome to the board, Essyvalo ~


You've identified that you're insecure and realize you need help, I agree with you. Continuing to stress and worry about him working more hours isn't going to help anything, but it will continue to damage your relationship. Married or not, throughout your relationship it's likely he (or anyone) will have to work some extra hours or won't be around for one reason or another. If you aren't able to handle that, it's a problem. Sucking it up and pretending like it doesn't bother you won't work because even if you manage to act like you're really okay with it (which I doubt) you won't be okay, you'll be a mess, and that's not good for you. So, why continue to let insecurity have a hold over you and affect your life? See a therapist and work on resolving the issues that caused your insecurity so that you can live the rest of your life free of it. My suggestion is likely incorrect if the reason for your insecurity is based on your fiance, and not based in situations that happened before you became involved with him. Did they? Do you know why you're insecure, what caused it?


I'll say too that if being with someone who accepts jobs that require him to work overtime for prolonged periods isn't acceptable to you, then you should reconsider marriage to this guy, as clearly his views and priorities are very different than yours.


Let me know about the cause of your insecurity, okay?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 12:18pm

Thanks for answering, I actually don't know why i am so insecure, i mean i dont feel pretty at all, and i think that he can find someone prettier and leave me, and well my dad cheated on my mum, and maybe that's why i'm so afraid of my boyfriend cheating on me,'cause my mum told me since i was a child that men are bastards and that they're always going to cheat on women, and it's one of my fears, and i don't want to lose him 'cause i love him very much. And well maybe i dont trust him 'cause at the begining of our relatioship, his ex called him and told him that she wanted to get back together with him, and he told me that, and also told me that he didnt want to return to that relationship, that he was happy with me and that he loved me very much, but the thing was that she kept on calling him and he took her calls and told me that she was a friend, i mean i'm not dumb, and i knew it was her, so i confront him and told him that stop receiving her calls, 'cause even if he didnt wanted anything with her, she mihgt think that he did, so we discuss about that and he told em that he was going to tell her, so for a while it was ok, and then she began to call him again but this time he didnt tell me it was a friend he told me it was her so i told him that he wasnt clear with her and to stop receiving her calls, and well he did, and she stoped bothering us, 'cause of that i stressed myself alot, i got sick and all, 'cause im a really nervous person (english is not my first language so i apologize for the grammar mistakes) and well therapist here in mexico are difficult to find, i just want to be happy with him without getting worried or anxious, want to stop thinking that he's going to cheat on me.

Sorry for bothering you with all this, i just wanted to let it all out.
thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 9:28pm

your insecurity is not his problem to solve: it's yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 12:54am

Essyvalo, you're not bothering anyone so don't worry about that, and it's good to let it out. But, it sounds like you know very well where your insecurity comes from, and with that you must know just as well that you need professional help to get through it and leave it behind. Otherwise it will always be a part of your life and affect your happiness and your success in relationships. Counselors and therapists may be difficult to find, but they are there and you can find the. I'd suggest checking your phone listings, asking your medical doctor for a referral and if that nets you nothing, check at any major hospitals and universities for resources. You say, "i just want to be happy with him without getting worried or anxious, want to stop thinking that he's going to cheat on me." Therapy is where you'll find that.


As far as your issues with your boyfriend, it's easy to understand why you'd be concerned, he gave good reason for your concerns and anxieties to come to the surface. Do you believe he has stayed out of contact with his ex since then? Does he understand and agree with you that what he did was wrong? In other words, do you feel the problem has been really resolved and won't be repeated or do you think he simply stopped because you pushed?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 9:57am

Thanks for answering me again, and well yes he gave me good reason for my anxieties and i believe he has stayed out of contact with her, i dont believe he's still talking with her or looking for her, yet i sometimes worry that he might, and yes he knows what he did was wrong, he says he tried to handle the situation but it got out of hand, and it was his intention to make me feel bad, and what i wonder sometime is what you asked, "do you feel the problem has been really resolved and won't be repeated or do you think he simply stopped because you pushed?" 'cause maybe if i hadn't pushed he might still be in contact with her or not, sometimes i wonder that, but i know that he hasn't see her, and that he's over her and loves me, and i'm trying to trust him and be happy, 'cause i want our relationship to work, 'cause it wasnt like this before, its all gone wrong since may, we've been together 2 years and 5 months, and well its my first relationship so i dunno how to handle certain stuff. Thanks again for listening all my stuff, bye

Sorry for the bad grammar :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 1:47am

Trying to trust him and be happy because you want the relationship to work doesn't work. You need not to focus on a desire for the relationship to work, you need to focus on whether the relationship is making you happy, is good for you, and contains the things you feel are important in a relationship (being trustworthy is very important). Knowing that the relationship will only work if it's right and making that the criteria is appropriate. A healthy, good relationship can't be forced, it comes when it's right for the two people involved. You can try to force yourself to be happy and try to force yourself to trust him, but that won't make your relationship good or happy; in the end it will drive you crazy and make you very unhappy. A good relationship is, a bad relationship is forced.


In your case, you've got a lot of issues involved. Your parent's relationship may have had you choose a man who will cheat, that's very common. Your boyfriend has given you reason for doubt, that's a bad sign. He says he sees he was wrong and has ended it, there are many variables and many reasons for concern. Find that therapist!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:35pm

Hello again, and well the relationship makes me happy, i'm happy with him, i'm very glad that he's in a my life, the problemas i have is 'cause i'm very distrustful and paranoid, yeah he did something to make me anxious but he hastn done anything like that since that incident, and i need to be undestanding with him and his job, 'cause he has to work, and i know that his job is very demanding, and i talk with him this weekend about all of this and we're going to be more undestanding with each other, i'm not going to get mad about everything and he's going to pay more attention to details and showing me that he loves me, 'cause he does, he's just stressed 'cause of his work, he works 12 hrs, a day and its physical work and office work also, and the little time he was he spend it with me, he comes to see me, we go out, and on weekend we spend a lot of time together, right now im seeing things differently 'cause im not mad or hurt, and he's not distant, he was very affectionate and loving, and well i love him very much, and i know that he loves me back, i just hope that everything works out well. And i need to take care of my insecurities 'cause thye're not good, i need to feel good about myself, and that i'm worthy of someones love and affection, thank you very much for replying!

Bye, Essy