Tired of paying his phone bill and then some!

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Tired of paying his phone bill and then some!
Thu, 09-06-2012 - 11:21pm



I really need to vent in here since my friends and family would yell at me and judge. Any opinions however, are most welcome by me, and some advice would be lovely.

My boyfriend of 8 years is currently unemployed. He lives with 2 other " starving artists" as I call them, and they are all broke as a joke. I have payed for my boyfriend's phone bill for the last 4 or 5 months and have shelled out money for him so that he can eat. He is 7 years older than me and I am in my late 20s and work at a medical clinic as a medical assistant. I am no millionaire and I am trying to save my hard earned money so that I can move to another city.  I recently had 2 jobs, but had to quit one since I never had time for myself and I had a leg injury and could not stand for so long. My man also has a 19 year old daughter from a previous relationship years and years back, and even she was asking me for money since he was not giving her a dime for a certain time period. When my boyfriend and I lived together a few years back, he was unemployed back then as well, and I always payed for 90% of the rent and the groceries. It held me back so much financially, I had to move in back with my Mom temporarily. It was terrible.

Today I snapped. He called me today to ask me to deposit some money into his bank account and I hung up on him and felt so much rage. I called him back and said that I would leave him if he did not change his ways by December. He said that I am cheap with money, called me a b**ch and that I don't care about his state of being. He also said that he is so desperate for a job, that he is going to MEXICO to see a friend of his that might be able to get him into media.

Help me- am I being a bad girlfriend to him? I do care about him and don't want him to starve, but I just want a MAN! I work so hard and am a very good and warm hearted woman. I feel like most of our relationship, I am the hard worker who has a great work ethic who will work till my fingers bleed. I have always been like that. I have even had jobs in the last 5 years that I despise but kept at it just so I could keep my head above water. He only looks for jobs in media, or to act. When he does have a job, he is not cheap with me with his money,so that makes me feel bad. I just feel like I am the only responsible one. Why do I get angry and jealous when I see a man pay for his woman's shopping spree or expensive dinner? I grew up lower middle class or upper low class, so I dream and fantasize about a man treating me sometimes. But I will never be with someone just for money, I have too many morals.

I fantasize about taking a beautiful vacation one day....or to treat myself to a really nice shopping spree or at a spa retreat.........

He also blamed me for hiding him from my family. I don't bring him to family occasions because he embarrasses me a lot. He asks shocking questions to people just to get reactions from them, or starts going on religion bashing rants and my family is very religious ( I am not). However, its so stressful. I love him and he is a very sweet and passionate person, but lately I don't LIKE him and I am feeling like his Mother instead of his woman.

If anyone has advice or has been here before, it would be very helpful to me. Why am I feeling so much rage? Why do I feel so betrayed? Why do I feel like I am 30 years older than my real age?

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 2:23am
This relationship is obviously stressing you out much more than feeling right. Add to that his being disrespctful by calling you a b---h and expecting you to give him money upon request. That being said, I would suggest you dump this guy and find a man with a REAL job who respects you. You'll never have those things you fantasize about with him and his unstable work record. If you stay in this relationship you will only grow more resentful of him as tme goes on. GOOD LUCK
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 5:45am

Annie, you say that you love him but you don't like him.    This is something I relate to.

Could it be that you love who he used to be...or who he could be?   Or perhaps you haven't yet admitted to yourself that you don't love him anymore?  After so many years, the fact that you may not actually love him IS a hard thing to confront.

At any rate, if you're not happy, it's OK to leave.    You can leave for a good reason, a bad reason or no reason at all.   Just do what you need to do for yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 11:45am

It's obvious that you're on different paths in life.  Some people (like him) like the more bohemian lifestyle or the "starving artist" as you say and can't stand the thought of working a boring job--well that's fine if they are willing to live a very subsistence kind of life.  If you look at most people today who are famous actors, say, before they became famous, they all took normal jobs like waiting tables because people need money to buy food & have a place to live.  If you wanted to give money to help him out, that would be your choice, but he has no right to demand it.  I also wouldn't do that to enable someone who doesn't really want to work.  When my 2nd DH & I were living together but before we were married, he got hurt at work and was on worker's comp so I basically supported him & his DD for almost 2 yrs.  It was stressful but it's not like he didn't want to work--once he started working again, he was working 55 hrs a week, so he definitely was not lazy.  so if you weren't around & didn't give your BF money, then what would he do?  Would he have to resign himself to taking an everyday job cause he needed money?  Well too bad for him--that's what a lot of people have to do.  Instead of saying that you won't pay his phone bill after December, I think I'd tell him that you are cutting him off now--it's not your responsibility to support him.  And given that he's not really compatible with your family, I just think this relationship is not good for you anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 12:41pm

So you sound very busy so when do you have time to see your boyfriend?
So lets say he wants to live his lifestyle. That is fine but he needs to find a way to make money.. There are ways besides sponging off of you or finding a regular job. There are alot of freelance jobs he could do.

He is def. taking advantage of you and you do not have to pay his bills and do not feel bad about it.

Yes; cut him off now and see where it goes.. You should rethink this relationship as its toxic and making you ill..

There are plenty of good guys out there who will be a better match for you.. Yes; take the leap and you will be so much better off unless boyfriend gets a job and changes but its highly unlikely................


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 1:15pm

This relationship sounds like it's causing you to be depressed, which in turn makes you feel how you are feeling.  Until something changes (you), you will go on feeling like this.  Your bf is a grown man, who has made his choices and has exposed himself to be the type of man you don't want to spend the next hour with, never mind the rest of your life.  Just like anything else, you need to take things one day at a time, just keep distancing yourself from him and you may find a big weight off your shoulders.

You two are in completely different places in life, living completely different lives, it does not seem to me to be such a huge leap to move on.


Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002

You are dating a jerk.  Sure, you may have fun on occasion.  But you are paying his bills, and he isn't even grateful.  He is disrespectful towards your family.  Even his 19 year old daughter asks you for money because her Dad can't even afford to care for himself.

And how is he able to afford a trip to Mexico to look for work?  Yet, he needs you to put money into his account.

He maybe generous with his money, when he has it.  But it doesn't sound like he has money very often, and he expects you to pick up the slack when it runs out.


Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 3:53pm
He has every right to be who and what he wants to be, and you have every right to agree or not agree with the way he ends up being.You two have been growing apart little by little over the years and it has finally hit the breaking point. You are looking at being 30 and maybe not where you want to be in life, and definitely not with the kind of person you want to be with. It's no ones fault, no one is to blame here, you have two people who are incompatible in some key areas and unfortunately you are the one who takes issue with the situation as so its incumbent upon you to do the dirty work and break up with him.